Oi! I'm Still Here!

Yeah, so I've been MIA for a while. Stop bitching, I'm here now with a new post for you all, Minions. My twitching face and clinched fists have calmed down since this event happened, but I'm still writing about it because it happens all too often and it needs to stop.

My dad was in town this weekend... What? Shocked I have a dad? Get the fuck over it and let me get on with my EPIC story!... As I was saying, we all went to watch Verin's Karate tournament on Saturday. On our way home, I'm driving and encounter a Level 80 Fucktard and a Level 80 Douchwaffle at the same time.

You see, Minions, the city we live in has a highway that turns into a regular street. It ends in our city. So you go from a 60 MPH zone to 35 MPH zone in a matter of feet. Awesome, right? Yeah, it gets better. See, at the end of said highway is a light. I'm lucky enough to always catch it when it's green. This day was no different. After that light is another light. My lucky day, it's green too. Awesome! Because at this point, Nyx and Nox are in full on DEF-CON 4 EPIC MELTDOWN. So what happens next pissed me 50 shades the fuck off.

Fucktard is in one car (A Cadillac at that) and Douchwaffle is in another (yet another Cadillac). They roll their tinted (and I mean damn near illegal tinted) windows down, slow to a fucking crawl at 15-20 MPH, and start talking to each other. There's a line of cars at least 20 deep behind me and the guy next to me and we're all blaring our fucking horns at this point. After what seemed like 5 minutes Douchwaffle changes lanes and I speed up and pass him. He then proceeds to try to pull up beside me, and I can't help but think he may try to start some shit with my kids in the car. At this point I'm running every scenario in my head: He'll pull a gun and start shooting. He'll jump out with his boys and try to kick our asses (Good luck buddy. Xic and I would destroy you within seconds while Nyx and Nox devour your entrails). Anyway, he ends up not catching up and turns before we have to. Crisis averted. 

But my post doesn't end like this. That wouldn't be fun, now would it? Here comes the Hekate Rage Rant you all have been missing:

Hey asswipes! Yeah, all you wannabe "Gangsta" pussy asses out there. If you're going to try to score or sell drug, do like all the other "Gangsta's" do and buy 20 different fucking cell phones and STOP BLOCKING MY WAY HOME! I sweat to fucking all that is holy and unholy that the next time I see one of you douchewaffling, ass-munching  fucking asshole surfers slowing down and talking to another fucking car while I'm trying to get somewhere I will rear end you at full fucking force so long as my kids aren't with me. Just because you have to support you 20 different baby mama's and the 35 fucking kids you have doesn't give you the right to block the road, fucker. Oh, and pull up your damn pants, "playa". Maybe if you could run without having to grab your pants every two fucking steps or have them fall and you trip you wouldn't get busted by the cops as often. And the next time you try to pull up beside me while I'm driving, it better be to apologize. Otherwise I may run your ass of the fucking road or have to kick your ass. How sad would that be to have all your boys see you get a baseball bat shoved up your poop shoot by a 5'0" goth chick? Come to think of it... Go ahead and do it. Maybe I could get famous on YouTube and call the video "Now THAT'S Gangsta".

~Hekate

Stompy McStomperton from Stompsville

The goth family has officially moved, Minions. Now when I say "moved" that, in no way, means we are unpacked. Not completely, anyway.

Now, if you follow me on Facebook, you have seen me post about Stompy. Let me explain why i call him/her/it this.

Every day without fail since we have moved in, our neighbor starts moving around at 4:30 am. EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. If we're lucky, real lucky, they hold off until 5:00 am. This isn't your normal "Oh, I'm getting ready for work" movement. Oh no. This is "I am Sumo!" stomping. Seriously, I think The Hulk walks more softly in his rage than this fucker on any given day.

This morning stomp continues until 7:30 am. It wakes Nyx and Nox up. They use to sleep until 8:30 or 9:00. Thanks, Stompy. After the twins are up, fucktard leaves for the day. Yeah, thanks asshole. My day now is shot all to Hell because Nyx and Nox are not, I repeat, NOT morning people. If they were older, I'd give them coffee. Massive amounts of coffee.

Guess who comes back at about 5:30 pm? STOMPY! Awesome, right? I get 10 whole hours of quiet. Yeah, you obviously don't know Nyx and Nox. So 5:30, after Xic leaves for work, Stompy comes home. Now I guess dumb ass missed the fucking memo that we have a fitness center on site, because they stomp from kitchen to living room, hall, bedroom, hall, living room, and back to kitchen. 15 MOTHER FUCKING TIMES IN A ROW. Back and forth. Back and forth. Sometimes I wonder how the ceiling hasn't collapsed. This shit continues until 11fucking30 pm. Keep in mind that quiet hours here are from 10 pm to 6 am. You can get called out if your TV is too loud.

Now, I'm not just going to call up the manager and bitch about them. Sure, I will if it comes to that. I'm going to give them today. Tomorrow I will say something if it happens again. And it will. Now I'll be as nice as I can. Once. If it happens on Friday it may go something like this:

HEY, FUCK ASS! Knock the stomping shit off, you elephant footed douchewaffle, or one of two things will happen. 1. I turn your ass in with the video evidence I have made for the past two fucking weeks and maybe get your ass evicted. Or 2. I break your fucking legs and let Nyx and Nox Zombie Apocalypse your worthless ass. Ever see the Walking Dead? They're worse than that. Your move, ass clown.

Fuck it. If they don't stop in the next 20 minutes I'm going up. Nice is for pussies.

~Hekate

Not My Most Eloquent Post

FUCKING HELL! I hate some of my fucking "family" members sometimes! Not going to mention who it is because I know someone close to them reads this, but FUCKING HELL!

Xic and I have traveled SEVERAL fucking times to visit certain people to show up and be all but ignored. One of these aforementioned persons had the AUDACITY to post on Facebook implying that I do not make an effort to visit all because someone else whom they haven't seen in NINE FUCKING YEARS moved in with them after THEY paid for them to fly there. REALLY?

MOTHER FUCKING, COCK SUCKING, TWATWAFFLE! Xic and I pay for every fucking visit we make! WE pay for OUR motel room! WE pay for OUR gas and travel expenses! YOU pay for NOTHING and don't even acknowledge our fucking existence when we're there! It took you 12 fucking hours to even say "Hi" to me one visit and you only said it because another family member who was visiting called you out on it! And you have the fucking NERVE to post shit on Facebook saying I should come visit YOU and the person whom you paid for to move there? FUCK YOU!

You even want some other twatwaffle to come visit whom you haven't seen in eight years and expect me to be nice to them after the shit they said about me on Facebook? FUCK THAT AND FUCK THAT GORILLA FACE WHORE TOO! I don't give a rat's ass if they are "family"!

You all can suck my metaphorical dick and choke on it, assholes! I'm fucking DONE. Oh I'll play nice for a while, but only for my children's sake and only for a few more years. Once time is out, you all can fuck off and stay the Hell out of our lives. I didn't need you for 30 fucking years and I won't need you for the next 30!

~Hekate

WTFH?

Minions, I've been called a few names in my life. Bitch. Whore. 'Spic bitch. Freak. You name it, I've probably been called it. But today... Today I was called a new name.

I was on my way to Walmart when I pulled up to a stop sign. I did my normal slow to a stop, like you're suppose to do, when this car comes speeding up behind me, slams on his breaks, screeches to a stop, and proceeds to follow me in a fast rage to Walmart.

When I parked, this Merle wannabe jumps out of his car and yells at me. Here is what was said:

Him: Learn to drive you Spasian bitch!

Me: The fuck is a Spasian?

Him: A 'Spic Asian!

Me: I can see where you might think I'm Asian, but I'm not. And perhaps you should learn to read you white trash asshole. Stop means STOP, not Skid Tires On Pavement. Fucking dick.

Him: ... (walks away)

I spent the rest of the time at Walmart wondering where he heard Spasian from. No way in Hell he was smart enough to come up with that on his own.

Anyway, back to the move. I'm hoping we're done on Thursday. Until then, I'll be MIA for a while. BTW, I hate moving...

~Hekate

A Serious Case of Mangina

Minions, in the apps I play (i.e. Marvel War of Heroes) we have "trainings" or "wars" with other alliances. Sometimes we win, sometimes we get our asses handed to us. The point is, win or lose we take its in stride and learn from what we did wrong. Usually it falls on us not having enough people online or calling one in before we fully recharged our attack power. Now when we win, sometimes it's EPIC. Last night was one of those EPIC times.

We went to war against an alliance we massacred once before. No big deal. Last nights war was close for a while. We pulled ahead, then they caught up. Then they were ahead and we caught up. Close to the end three or four of us unleashed a beating that they couldn't come back from if they were Dr. Who. (Is my geek showing again?)

Now sometimes you have gracious losers who send messages like "Man, good fight! If you ever want to merge alliances let me know!" Or "LOL And I though we had you when we were trailing by only 11k points!" Sometimes, though, we encounter the epitome of the sad existence of man. The cry babies who just refuse to except that they lost in a fair fight and have to whine, bitch, moan, and threaten with tattling on you to the mods of the game. Case in point: Mobage player L8RG8RS1

                                      

Ooh! Your going to tell on us for beating your team? OH NOES! PUH-LEASE don't tell on us for playing fair! Seriously, you basement dwelling, pansy ass, momma's boy? Get the sand out of your mangina, grow a fucking pair, and get the fuck over yourself. Take the loss and deal with it. You don't like losing? Too fucking bad, numb nuts. That's part of life. You may have grown up where everyone got a participation ribbon so the sniveling little shits like you didn't feel left out, but in the real world that doesn't happen. It's a fucking game, you lost, DEAL WITH IT! It's pretty fucking pathetic that a chick has to tell you that. Douchewaffle. Oh, did I hurt your feelings? Too fucking bad, asswipe. Go suck on your mommy's tits and hope she'll comfort you because you lost in a damned game. Also, the next time you think about messaging one of us bitching because your magina is bleeding, don't. Take a fucking Midol, shove a tampon in the bitch, shut the fuck up, and move on.

~Hekate

Hekate and Ambien

Oh, Minions. Your beloved Goth mom has a hilarious read for you tonight.

I've been suffering from insomnia for quite some time. At first I thought it was just a stress thing and it would pass. Nope. Then my doctor suggested I take Melatonin. Didn't help. So the next step was a wonderful little pill called Ambien. I'm sure you've all heard of it. You've seen the commercials, heard horror stories about hallucinations or psychotic episodes. Yep. THAT pill.

My first experience with Ambien was a few years back. I was pregnant, but they thought I was going to lose the baby. I wasn't sleeping. At all. So they gave me Ambien. I thought I just went to sleep one night and woke up refreshed the next morning thinking I had a great nights sleep. I walked into my kitchen to find I had made a 13 egg omelette own the floor. Onions, peppers, ham, cheese, the works. Yeah. That was REAL fun to clean up.

Fast forward to the past few months. It's been a real roller coaster ride in the Goth house. Xic's schedule is all over the place, mostly working nights, and has been working since Friday and will work until Monday. Yep. 11 days in a row. Awesome. This not only takes a toll on him, but me as well. I finally had a breakdown in my doctor's office yesterday that led him to prescribe me Ambien so I could get some sleep. Oh, I got sleep alright. I felt great this morning. Seriously. I woke up HAPPY. That never happens. But then I read through chats on Line that we had with out Alliance members from Marvel War of Heroes... I'll just let you read them:

I just pissed myself laughing at this shit.

~Hekate

Car Alarm Rage

Minions, promise me you will NEVER be the person with the annoying car alarm that goes off repeatedly. Promise? Good. Now, time for a bedtime rant from your favorite Goth Mom.

Once upon a time in the land of the Goths there was a Goth Mom named Hekate. One dark, rainy night her husband, Xic, had to work a graveyard shift. This was nothing new to the Goth family, as it was just about every weekend that Xic's evil, maniacal boss scheduled him for this particular shift because he's a condescending fucktard who treats all his employees like they're five-year-old children.

On this night, after the Gothlings were in bed, Xic was getting ready for work when it happened. A car alarm went off. The constant honking of the horn was rather annoying. Xic tried to ask Hekate something, but she couldn't hear him over the fucking horn beeping over and over again. After about three minutes, give or take, the alarm stopped and all was well again. Until....

*BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!* The alarm started again an hour after Xic had left. Hekate was somewhat annoyed now, since it was getting late and she was trying to watch a movie. The alarm stopped after 10 agonizing minutes and Hekate resumed watching her movie.

*BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!* Again the alarm started just a few minutes after it stopped. Over and over the horn blared. And the lights flashed. As soon as it would stop, it started again. NINE. FUCKING. TIMES. 

"Who the fuck owns this car?" Hekate wondered aloud. "Fucking noisy ass, piece of shit! I'm recording this bitch now!" and she proceede to take out her phone and record the nuisance when the owner appeared. 

"Uh... What do you think you're doing?" Said the twatwaffle owner. "You can't just take picture of my car!"

"Oh, I wasn't taking pictures, I was about to record your car since you obviously don't know how to control ten alarm on it and show it to the owners of the complex. That way if they get a call on you again, your car will be towed...." Hekate said as she walked away. She stopped, turned and said, "That is, unless one of our neighbors or I decide to disable your alarm next." 

The owner quickly moved their car and didn't come back. 

The End

I seriously hate when visitors here park wherever the Hell they want and have annoying fucking alarms that go off at odd hours or they sit and play with their panic buttons for fun. Fucking assholes. They're lucky my kids didn't wake up or I would have bashed their car with a bat, my battle axe, and whatever else I got my hands on. My doc put me on a new med that's suppose to make me happy, instead it's made me sick, tired, twitchy, and pissed off even more, the last thing I need right now is some fuckers damned car alarm blaring all fucking night while I try to relax and possibly go comatose sometime around 2-3 am if I'm lucky!  Seriously, Minions, don't be that person. EVER!

~Hekate