WOW! Where Have I Been?

Okay, so I've been out of the loop for a while. I suppose you all want an explanation, right? Well, Minions, you're in luck. That's what you're about to get.

Last year was Hell on Earth. So many things happened that seemed like one shit storm after another. We moved into what was suppose to be awesome apartments but turned into the most ghetto place every. How ghetto? They didn't clean the sinks and stove before we moved in... They PAINTED them! Yes, painted. Within a few days sinks started to chip. Sinks I don't care too much about, but the stove? Seriously? They must be out of their mother fucking minds! The damned thing burst into flames as I was fixing Xic's eggs one day. What did the complex say? "Perhaps you should clean your stove more often to stop the grease build up." The fuck did you just say, bitch? How about you replace this deathtrap stove that your guys painted. While you're at it, how about stocking the fire extinguishers too?

Xic was rejected for the police department, so he's still working for a company that hires people who cant spell their way out of a paper bag. Case in point, his supervisor sent an email about "Super Bowel" festivities. Xic said "Is it sponsored by Ex-Lax? Guess I'm going to have a shitty day at work. It's going to stink." Yeah, that's my husband.

We've have an offer in on a house we want to buy. It's a short-sale. Our offer was first put in late October. They replied mid December wanting $25k more than the listing price, we counted, they countered back with $235k, we agreed and signed on January 2. We haven't heard back from them since. Hey, NationStar! Get off you're fucking asses and sign off on the damned thing so we can move the fuck in and get out of this shit hole apartment complex already! I'd also like to get moved before March 11th! Fucktards.

March 11th, in case you're wondering, is when I have surgery to reattach muscles that are torn. In two places. I also have to have at least one hernia repaired. When I fuck up my body, I do it right.

I did find my dad last year, so that's a plus. 30 years of not knowing and him wondering put to rest with one test that proved 99.999% he is my dad. We met and found that even though we never knew each other we're alike in so many ways. We look alike, love the same foods, and our tastes in houses and kitchen designs are the same. Okay, enough sappy shit. I don't need you all crying like Manning after the Super Bowl.

I would like to congratulate the Seattle Seahawks and the 12th Man for the well deserved win. Way to play, Legion of Boom. Oh, and a special shout out to Marshawn Lynch. Thanks to you, Nyx and Nox now run around yelling "Beast MODE! Skittles!" and I have to say I love it. 

~Hekate

Family and Computer Twunt

It's been a Hell of a night already, Minions. Now that my fucking twunt ass computer has decided it wants to work with me and start up, I can now write that ever coveted blog post you've all been dying for. Ready for my twitchy face and clinched fist post? Good. Here we go...

So by now you know about my side of the family, but today I'm going to be writing about the other side. The in-law side.

I love most of my in-laws, but there's always one in every marriage that just gets on your last. Fucking. Nerve. Am I right? Of course I am. That one for me? Sassy.

Sassy was mentioned in a previous post I wrote. I don't talk to Sassy much. Why? She's drama. Not to say other members don't have their share of drama (like most of my side of the family), but Sassy has a knack for EPIC. BULLSHIT. DRAMA. 

She calls me when shes stressed or had a bad day. Seriously, this is the ONLY time she calls me. She even said so. Thanks, bitch. Nice to know I'm only good enough for you to complain to because no one else wants to listen about your shity ass day.

She calls bitching because Xic told her "No" about creating an Instagram account to share photos with her. She proceeds to order  me to make Xic create an account or create one anyway even though he said "No". Yeah, no. That doesn't fly in our house. Mommy and Daddy refuse to be played against one another. It doesn't work for our kids, it sure as Hell won't work for you. Nice try though.

She then bitches about he ex and how he said, she said, blah, blah, fucking blah. Honestly I tuned most of this shit out, but caught the majority of it. After trying to be rational with her about the problem for 45 minutes I realized it was a lost cause and changed the subject. Well, tried to anyway. She ended up going back to it a few minutes later until we hit the last subject of the night.

Here's where I get slightly pissed. Slightly. Had I gone full out pissed I wouldn't have bit my tongue.

"Tell my brother to call and text me more. He never talks to me!" Excuse me? Are you really going to go there? Bitch, please! He texted you more in ONE. FUCKING. DAY. than he did me in a week! You want to know why he avoids your calls? The same reason I'm going to start sending your ass to voice mail and deleting it without listening: YOU'RE TOO MUCH FUCKING DRAMA! 

Oh, and you know how you complained about how your mom (may she rest in peace) rambled on and on and repeated herself 20 times in a call and wouldn't hang up after saying bye 30 minutes straight? Congratufuckinglations, sweet cheeks! You're just like her! I loved your mom. You, not so much. You were a bitch to me from day one and I'm only your favorite person to talk to when no one else wants to deal with your bitchy ass. Here's a tip: If people ignore your calls or keep saying "Hey, I have to go. I need to do (insert some really important, but not too important thing). I'll call you back" but they never do, it's not them. IT'S YOU. 

Oh yeah, thanks for stealing an hour of my life I will never get back. 

Now that my computer has been a fucking twunt for the last time tonight and I got my rant out, sort of, I'm going to go kick Xic's ass in Injustice.

~Hekate

Oi! I'm Still Here!

Yeah, so I've been MIA for a while. Stop bitching, I'm here now with a new post for you all, Minions. My twitching face and clinched fists have calmed down since this event happened, but I'm still writing about it because it happens all too often and it needs to stop.

My dad was in town this weekend... What? Shocked I have a dad? Get the fuck over it and let me get on with my EPIC story!... As I was saying, we all went to watch Verin's Karate tournament on Saturday. On our way home, I'm driving and encounter a Level 80 Fucktard and a Level 80 Douchwaffle at the same time.

You see, Minions, the city we live in has a highway that turns into a regular street. It ends in our city. So you go from a 60 MPH zone to 35 MPH zone in a matter of feet. Awesome, right? Yeah, it gets better. See, at the end of said highway is a light. I'm lucky enough to always catch it when it's green. This day was no different. After that light is another light. My lucky day, it's green too. Awesome! Because at this point, Nyx and Nox are in full on DEF-CON 4 EPIC MELTDOWN. So what happens next pissed me 50 shades the fuck off.

Fucktard is in one car (A Cadillac at that) and Douchwaffle is in another (yet another Cadillac). They roll their tinted (and I mean damn near illegal tinted) windows down, slow to a fucking crawl at 15-20 MPH, and start talking to each other. There's a line of cars at least 20 deep behind me and the guy next to me and we're all blaring our fucking horns at this point. After what seemed like 5 minutes Douchwaffle changes lanes and I speed up and pass him. He then proceeds to try to pull up beside me, and I can't help but think he may try to start some shit with my kids in the car. At this point I'm running every scenario in my head: He'll pull a gun and start shooting. He'll jump out with his boys and try to kick our asses (Good luck buddy. Xic and I would destroy you within seconds while Nyx and Nox devour your entrails). Anyway, he ends up not catching up and turns before we have to. Crisis averted. 

But my post doesn't end like this. That wouldn't be fun, now would it? Here comes the Hekate Rage Rant you all have been missing:

Hey asswipes! Yeah, all you wannabe "Gangsta" pussy asses out there. If you're going to try to score or sell drug, do like all the other "Gangsta's" do and buy 20 different fucking cell phones and STOP BLOCKING MY WAY HOME! I sweat to fucking all that is holy and unholy that the next time I see one of you douchewaffling, ass-munching  fucking asshole surfers slowing down and talking to another fucking car while I'm trying to get somewhere I will rear end you at full fucking force so long as my kids aren't with me. Just because you have to support you 20 different baby mama's and the 35 fucking kids you have doesn't give you the right to block the road, fucker. Oh, and pull up your damn pants, "playa". Maybe if you could run without having to grab your pants every two fucking steps or have them fall and you trip you wouldn't get busted by the cops as often. And the next time you try to pull up beside me while I'm driving, it better be to apologize. Otherwise I may run your ass of the fucking road or have to kick your ass. How sad would that be to have all your boys see you get a baseball bat shoved up your poop shoot by a 5'0" goth chick? Come to think of it... Go ahead and do it. Maybe I could get famous on YouTube and call the video "Now THAT'S Gangsta".

~Hekate

Stompy McStomperton from Stompsville

The goth family has officially moved, Minions. Now when I say "moved" that, in no way, means we are unpacked. Not completely, anyway.

Now, if you follow me on Facebook, you have seen me post about Stompy. Let me explain why i call him/her/it this.

Every day without fail since we have moved in, our neighbor starts moving around at 4:30 am. EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. If we're lucky, real lucky, they hold off until 5:00 am. This isn't your normal "Oh, I'm getting ready for work" movement. Oh no. This is "I am Sumo!" stomping. Seriously, I think The Hulk walks more softly in his rage than this fucker on any given day.

This morning stomp continues until 7:30 am. It wakes Nyx and Nox up. They use to sleep until 8:30 or 9:00. Thanks, Stompy. After the twins are up, fucktard leaves for the day. Yeah, thanks asshole. My day now is shot all to Hell because Nyx and Nox are not, I repeat, NOT morning people. If they were older, I'd give them coffee. Massive amounts of coffee.

Guess who comes back at about 5:30 pm? STOMPY! Awesome, right? I get 10 whole hours of quiet. Yeah, you obviously don't know Nyx and Nox. So 5:30, after Xic leaves for work, Stompy comes home. Now I guess dumb ass missed the fucking memo that we have a fitness center on site, because they stomp from kitchen to living room, hall, bedroom, hall, living room, and back to kitchen. 15 MOTHER FUCKING TIMES IN A ROW. Back and forth. Back and forth. Sometimes I wonder how the ceiling hasn't collapsed. This shit continues until 11fucking30 pm. Keep in mind that quiet hours here are from 10 pm to 6 am. You can get called out if your TV is too loud.

Now, I'm not just going to call up the manager and bitch about them. Sure, I will if it comes to that. I'm going to give them today. Tomorrow I will say something if it happens again. And it will. Now I'll be as nice as I can. Once. If it happens on Friday it may go something like this:

HEY, FUCK ASS! Knock the stomping shit off, you elephant footed douchewaffle, or one of two things will happen. 1. I turn your ass in with the video evidence I have made for the past two fucking weeks and maybe get your ass evicted. Or 2. I break your fucking legs and let Nyx and Nox Zombie Apocalypse your worthless ass. Ever see the Walking Dead? They're worse than that. Your move, ass clown.

Fuck it. If they don't stop in the next 20 minutes I'm going up. Nice is for pussies.

~Hekate

Not My Most Eloquent Post

FUCKING HELL! I hate some of my fucking "family" members sometimes! Not going to mention who it is because I know someone close to them reads this, but FUCKING HELL!

Xic and I have traveled SEVERAL fucking times to visit certain people to show up and be all but ignored. One of these aforementioned persons had the AUDACITY to post on Facebook implying that I do not make an effort to visit all because someone else whom they haven't seen in NINE FUCKING YEARS moved in with them after THEY paid for them to fly there. REALLY?

MOTHER FUCKING, COCK SUCKING, TWATWAFFLE! Xic and I pay for every fucking visit we make! WE pay for OUR motel room! WE pay for OUR gas and travel expenses! YOU pay for NOTHING and don't even acknowledge our fucking existence when we're there! It took you 12 fucking hours to even say "Hi" to me one visit and you only said it because another family member who was visiting called you out on it! And you have the fucking NERVE to post shit on Facebook saying I should come visit YOU and the person whom you paid for to move there? FUCK YOU!

You even want some other twatwaffle to come visit whom you haven't seen in eight years and expect me to be nice to them after the shit they said about me on Facebook? FUCK THAT AND FUCK THAT GORILLA FACE WHORE TOO! I don't give a rat's ass if they are "family"!

You all can suck my metaphorical dick and choke on it, assholes! I'm fucking DONE. Oh I'll play nice for a while, but only for my children's sake and only for a few more years. Once time is out, you all can fuck off and stay the Hell out of our lives. I didn't need you for 30 fucking years and I won't need you for the next 30!

~Hekate

Hekate and Ambien

Oh, Minions. Your beloved Goth mom has a hilarious read for you tonight.

I've been suffering from insomnia for quite some time. At first I thought it was just a stress thing and it would pass. Nope. Then my doctor suggested I take Melatonin. Didn't help. So the next step was a wonderful little pill called Ambien. I'm sure you've all heard of it. You've seen the commercials, heard horror stories about hallucinations or psychotic episodes. Yep. THAT pill.

My first experience with Ambien was a few years back. I was pregnant, but they thought I was going to lose the baby. I wasn't sleeping. At all. So they gave me Ambien. I thought I just went to sleep one night and woke up refreshed the next morning thinking I had a great nights sleep. I walked into my kitchen to find I had made a 13 egg omelette own the floor. Onions, peppers, ham, cheese, the works. Yeah. That was REAL fun to clean up.

Fast forward to the past few months. It's been a real roller coaster ride in the Goth house. Xic's schedule is all over the place, mostly working nights, and has been working since Friday and will work until Monday. Yep. 11 days in a row. Awesome. This not only takes a toll on him, but me as well. I finally had a breakdown in my doctor's office yesterday that led him to prescribe me Ambien so I could get some sleep. Oh, I got sleep alright. I felt great this morning. Seriously. I woke up HAPPY. That never happens. But then I read through chats on Line that we had with out Alliance members from Marvel War of Heroes... I'll just let you read them:

I just pissed myself laughing at this shit.

~Hekate

Car Alarm Rage

Minions, promise me you will NEVER be the person with the annoying car alarm that goes off repeatedly. Promise? Good. Now, time for a bedtime rant from your favorite Goth Mom.

Once upon a time in the land of the Goths there was a Goth Mom named Hekate. One dark, rainy night her husband, Xic, had to work a graveyard shift. This was nothing new to the Goth family, as it was just about every weekend that Xic's evil, maniacal boss scheduled him for this particular shift because he's a condescending fucktard who treats all his employees like they're five-year-old children.

On this night, after the Gothlings were in bed, Xic was getting ready for work when it happened. A car alarm went off. The constant honking of the horn was rather annoying. Xic tried to ask Hekate something, but she couldn't hear him over the fucking horn beeping over and over again. After about three minutes, give or take, the alarm stopped and all was well again. Until....

*BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!* The alarm started again an hour after Xic had left. Hekate was somewhat annoyed now, since it was getting late and she was trying to watch a movie. The alarm stopped after 10 agonizing minutes and Hekate resumed watching her movie.

*BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP!* Again the alarm started just a few minutes after it stopped. Over and over the horn blared. And the lights flashed. As soon as it would stop, it started again. NINE. FUCKING. TIMES. 

"Who the fuck owns this car?" Hekate wondered aloud. "Fucking noisy ass, piece of shit! I'm recording this bitch now!" and she proceede to take out her phone and record the nuisance when the owner appeared. 

"Uh... What do you think you're doing?" Said the twatwaffle owner. "You can't just take picture of my car!"

"Oh, I wasn't taking pictures, I was about to record your car since you obviously don't know how to control ten alarm on it and show it to the owners of the complex. That way if they get a call on you again, your car will be towed...." Hekate said as she walked away. She stopped, turned and said, "That is, unless one of our neighbors or I decide to disable your alarm next." 

The owner quickly moved their car and didn't come back. 

The End

I seriously hate when visitors here park wherever the Hell they want and have annoying fucking alarms that go off at odd hours or they sit and play with their panic buttons for fun. Fucking assholes. They're lucky my kids didn't wake up or I would have bashed their car with a bat, my battle axe, and whatever else I got my hands on. My doc put me on a new med that's suppose to make me happy, instead it's made me sick, tired, twitchy, and pissed off even more, the last thing I need right now is some fuckers damned car alarm blaring all fucking night while I try to relax and possibly go comatose sometime around 2-3 am if I'm lucky!  Seriously, Minions, don't be that person. EVER!

~Hekate

FINALLY!

I can now post from my iPad again! About fucking time, google.

So, a quick fill in of events taken place in the Goth home:

Xic is still waiting to hear from his dream job. It seems when you want people to hurry the fuck up they slow down even more. In the meantime he's been working crazy hours and shifts. Who the Hell schedules someone with two-year-olds running around their house for graveyard shifts every week? Seriously? The money's great but the hours suck ass.

Nyx and Nox have been reminding me several times a day that the "Terrible Twos" are here. HELP! Between the tantrums, meltdowns, hitting, pushing, stage diving practice, kicking the other off of things, and trying to be zombies (seriously, they try to chew through my skull), I'm going crazy! Someone pass me a bottle of something strong.

Mother Nature is being a whore this month. I'm either going to spontaneously combust, freeze to death, die from massive amounts of blood loss, or end up in the Psych Ward at the local hospital. I am counting down the days to Menopause! Can someone hit the fast forward button on that for me?

My mood swings are giving Xic whiplash. Hell, my mood swings make me want to punch MYSELF in the throat! But Xic isn't completely innocent either. Between his memory loss (he claims old age, I claim Man Syndrome), his own mood swings, crazy work schedule, and talking in his sleep, I don't get much sleep or time to relax. Though I do find out some interesting things from the conversations we have when he's asleep. (Word of advice: If you're a sleep talker, secrets come out. Like what you got your spouse for Christmas.)

So here I am, sitting in bed in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping, freezing my ass off (though that may not be a bad thing) while sweating, wishing I could just fucking sleep, writing this post, waiting for the weekend to be over with so I can make yet another pointless doctors appointment, and waiting for Xic to get home so I can sleep next to him for all of two hours, get up, make breakfast for the kids, and start my daily routine. I need a vacation!

On a good note, we did find a babysitter willing to watch the demon twins! Let's see how long that lasts..

~Hekate

You Messed With the Wrong Gamer, Dude.

Hello again, Minions. I know I've been lacking in the blogging area as well as my Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram posts. What can I say, life is crazy sometimes. And when you have demon twins that tag team the tantrums during the terrible twos you end up most days wondering "Where the Hell is the Tequila?"

One of the few things that I do is game. I'm one of the gamers that plays a wide variety genres. I play table top RPGs, MMORPGs, card based games, mind benders, dance, pretty much anything. I play apps on my iPhone and iPad as well. This post is about one of those apps and a guy who just doesn't understand you don't mess with Hekate and her games.

The app: Rage of Bahamut
Game type: Card based battle/Fantasy

In RoB we have events called Holy Wars. You battle other orders in the effort to rank highest in the world to get the uber cards. The way it works is one member will declare war and the search is on for an order that is similar in size as yours. Common sense dictates that you make sure other order members are online and ready for battle before you declare war. You ask on the forum, KiK, Palringo, Line, Text, or whatever method you choose to make contact with as many members as you can. But there's always that one person who doesn't think.

Mobage account Godzrule76 Remember that screen name, for that is the one fucktard who wrecks havoc by being blissfully ignorant. This guy joins the order I'm in the day the Holy Wars started. No big deal, right? WRONG! This kid declares war, no big deal, except no one was on to fight. We lose. He declares another, hits one person one time, no one else is on, we lose. Declares another, hits once, a few people are on, we win by a few points. This kid declared every single war yesterday and all but one so far today, hit once or twice when he did fight, and never once paid any attention to the forum wall or his own news feed of us, including yours truly, saying "Knock that shit off, douchewaffle!" Okay, so we can't say that in the game because it gets censored, but you can bet your sweet ass I was thinking it and typed it a few times before I settled on calling him a jerkoff.

Now this kid (face it, anyone younger than me is a kid) messaged the order leader in Facebook apologizing and pleading that he just "didn't know how Holy Wars work", so I won't blast his real name and Facebook profile. This time. Yeah, I must be getting old. I'm going soft. Damn it.

So to close this post, I'm going to say everything I was thinking and wanted to say to him in game:

Godzrule76, What the fuck is your problem, dickweed? What gives you the right to declare war after war after war and not do a damn thing, fucker? Seriously?! And only because you see now that we're pissed off do you try to kiss ass and apologize? The fuck, asshole? Do you ever fucking sleep? Cheese and rice! As soon as one war ends you declare another! What the Hell is wrong with you? OMFG If I could reach you, I'd fucking throttle you while Xic or the order leader sold tickets for people to watch! (Hey, gotta make money somehow). Think a chick can't hit? Ask Xic. I don't do that scratching, hair pulling thing bitches do. Hell no! I'm a curb stop your ass, if you have hair I use it to slam your face and head on the ground only to pull you back up to punch you and repeat kind of chick! I take my games seriously, and I'm competitive as fuck! I want to win, and your leeching ass is just dragging me down! Now either back the fuck off or man the fuck up and fight with us instead of making us lose, asshole!

~Hekate

Dear Apartment Complex:

I am writing this blog/letter/complaint to you and for everyone who has to deal with places like you.

Let's be honest here, the only reason Xic and I decided to move into your place was because all of our other options were either craptacular places or in banjo picking territory. We signed the lease and have followed all the rules to date. We told you when we moved in that we had two cars, you said "No problem. If your garage is full, like most people here, you can park one car in front of the garage and the other in one of the spots on the side." Awesome! No big deal. And then my car crapped out. So Xic and I moved it to the street to open a spot for someone else. We didn't park in that spot for months. One neighbor thought I actually left Xic and took the kids with me. That's how long that spot was open. No one parked there. EVER.

Last month Xic bought me a new car for Christmas. We came back home on December 21st with two cars. I parked in front of the garage and Xic parked in the other spot that no one used. Made more since since he works and leaves almost every day. Guess what happens when he leaves? No one parks in that spot.

You and all your employees drive by here often. You see we're always on the move. So why did you feel the need to leave a note on our door this morning before your office even opened saying we are contributing to the parking problem at our building? Someone fucking complained and I know just what pussy ass, coward bitch said shit too. The middle aged hermit, dried up bitch on the ground floor. We're the only people with two cars, so I know it was directed toward us. Why write a fucking letter? Why not just, oh I don't know, ASK us. Xic works the graveyard shift this week and next but I am always home. You have our number, you could have called and told us that someone was complaining, though I don't know why. What, is she expecting and over sized dildo to be delivered? Because I know for a fact that old smokey back there doesn't get any fucking visitors. Troll face couldn't pay people to visit her! Even Hell Hound runs when he sees her! The fucking community cat wouldn't even go near her and hissed at her when she looked at him! The fuck does that tell you?

I am so fucking glad that we found a new place to move to and can't wait for our lease to be up! Sure we'd have to pay $50 more a month for rent, but we'd get an extra bedroom, more square feet, a patio/balcony, storage room, they have three pools, a hot tub, a tanning bed, fitness center, theater, a playground, and on site movie rental. You don't even have a pool. All you have is... Wait, I know this... OH! A water hose you call a car wash. Gee, I'm so going to miss living here. 

I will come back to visit one of my neighbors, though. That will be the only thing I actually miss.

~Hekate

P.S. Have fun with the carpet in Nyx and Nox's room. When they were sick, they puked and shit on the carpet. LMAO Then there's always the door they tore down. >=D

Holidays and Hekate

Oh Minions, I'm sure by now everyone has been wondering what has become of your beloved Goth Mom over the holidays. Well, you're in luck. I'm about to spin a story for you that will have you saying, "Maybe my family isn't that bad after all!"

Let's start with Thanksgiving. Well, we traveled 5 1/2 hours a few days before to visit family since Xic had to work on Thanksgiving. If Nyx wasn't crying, Nox was. When they finally fell asleep we had to wake them up to eat lunch. Never, I repeat, NEVER wake a sleeping toddler Well, unless you want to deal with screaming and crying for 3 hours. We make it to our destination and what followed was semi fun and frustrating as fuck. I visited with my aunt I hadn't seen in 23 years. That as the fun part. Me being the big kid I am, I sat in her lap and she rocked me like she use to when I was a kid. Stop laughing fuckers! I'm still a bad ass, my aunt is just that fucking awesome. We drive back home and I have to make Thanksgiving dinner while Xic is working. I'll say this: My Hekate Original Brine fucking rocks. Best. Turkey. EVER.

Fast forward to December. Christmas is usually a fun time. Usually. The week before Christmas I almost got taken out by some bad cheese. Sounds lame, right? Yeah, keep reading... I have allergies. Mushrooms, tree nuts, Penicillin, stuff like that. So why was I almost taken out by cheese? It was in the beginning stages of mold. What is mold but home grown Penicillin. Why did I eat moldy cheese? Funny thing you ask. It didn't look molded, didn't smell moldy, and it didn't taste like it either. It was in the very early stage of it. Me being the sensitive one, I broke out in hives and started having trouble breathing. So 40 minutes and an ambulance ride later I was given EpiPens and told to stop taking my seizure meds because it could make it worse. Awesome.

Later that day Nyx tossed her cookies. Twice. I thought it was just stress of the EMTs being there, turns out my little table licker got sick from licking a table at the pizza place we went to the day before. Luckily it lasted a day. Bad news is she gave it to Nox. Nox was worse. Nyx slept most of the time she was sick and wanted to be held. Nox, not so much. She stayed awake for 24 hours and went into rage mode. She didn't want to be touched, held, comforted, or be left alone. After 24 hours, she crashed and crashed hard. She was feeling better the next day. Me, not so much. I got sick around the same time as Nox, but mine lasted 2-3 days. I don't really remember too much except it was the first time in a long time that I drank just water. If you know me, you know I don't drink plain water. But all was well after a few days and everyone is back to our normal.

So now it's a new year, Nyx and Nox are 2, Verin is turning 10, and I've got a birthday coming up soon. All I want is to get my hair dyed black with red streaks again. That's it. Yeah, I'm simple. Plus Xic got me a new tattoo and a new car for Christmas so what else could I possibly want or need? Okay, a Zombie Themed birthday party would be nice too... Mmm... BRAINS!

~Hekate

DEF-CON 4 Epic

Yesterday produced such a wonderful topic to rant about, Minions. So I had to take time out of the busy holiday season to post this rant for your entertainment and to keep me from giving some douchewaffle who needs to put on their big boy pants and grow a fucking pair a subdural hematoma.

Xic works a security detail and a federal building where we live. He's 6'3 (or 6'4" depending on who measures him) and has arms bigger than my head. He was a military cop so I get he can be intimidating to some, but someone in the building he works at reported him. FOR DOING HIS FUCKING JOB. As if reporting him wasn't enough, the shit went DEF-CON 4 Epic. So what happened? Keep reading, I can't even begin to make this shit up...

Xic does his normal duties for security detail. Checks bags, runs the X-ray machine, patrols floors, responds to alarms or complaints, blah, blah, fucking blah. One of the requirements post 9-11 for a majority, if not all, federal buildings is to remove your shoes, belts, everything from your pockets... No big deal when it comes to safety, right? Suck it up and blame the terrorists and people trying to carry knives and shit into the building.

If you fail to comply to the instructions, you are told to comply and more or less warned that failure to comply can result in being asked to leave the premises to being arrested depending on your fucking attitude. Again, just fucking suck that shit up and take off your damn shoes.

If you continue to bitch and moan because you don't want people to see your webbed feet and sixth toe, the guards can get gruff and tell you in not so many words you're being a douche and they can fuck your shit up if you continue being a complete ass. This is where the report comes in.

Some little bitch ass, would be man reported Xic for being too intimidating. To his friend. A Senator. Really? You tattled to a Senator? You have issues, dude. I should kick your ass for being a bitch. But that's far from the end. I said DEF-CON 4 Epic.

This Senator felt compelled to send this shit further up. How far up? THE WHITE HOUSE. Really?! Now I could understand if we lived in D.C. or something, but we don't. Far from it. Thousands of miles from it.

 So my husband gets reported all the way up to the fucking White House for being too intimidating? What kind of pansy ass, tit sucking, mommy's little bitch are you? I bet your ass broke down crying and wet yourself too. Pussy. Nyx and Nox have more balls than you and they're only 2. And GIRLS at that! Seriously, you're a waste of fucking oxygen. Cry yourself a river, build a fucking bridge, and get the fuck over it. Seriously, if I ever see you, I may punch you on principal.

~Hekate

Why I've Been MIA

Yes, Minions, you're beloved Goth Mom has taken a leave of absence for quite some time now. Why? Where do I start?

I have been sick. And tired. And sick and tired of being sick and tired. On top of that, Xic has been working crazy fucking schedules that have us all running around wondering when the fuck things will slow down, if ever. Plus add on the holidays that are here and you have craziness in itself. Add to that demon twins that have entered the oh-so-loved terrible twos. Sprinkle on a bit of family drama and you have a glimpse of my life right now. Fun, right? It gets better...

We're still waiting for the call about Xic's dream job, dealing with "You have insurance. You don't. You do.", doctors still insisting my back problem is still just my leg ,whom I have not gone back to seen since the whole torture session was set up, didn't have that done either, trying to find a dentist that will actually take our insurance and see the demon twins, and dealing with Nox either not adjusting to Xic's schedule and wants more time with him or is now afraid of the dark, and we have a ghost in our house. Seriously. Not making this shit up here. And it may be more than one.

What makes me think we have a ghost? Xic went to open the bedroom door for the twins when he hear, clear as day, "Daddy, let me out!" For those who know the twins, they don't talk that clearly yet. They still babble in their demonic twin speak language that sometimes gives us all chills. Also, things have gone missing and reappear right where it should have been and we just looked. Like what? Keys, wallets, coats, and food. Sloppy Joes and chili cheese dogs leave a trace if someone takes them off your plate. And when you're the only one in the house that can reach the counter and it goes missing and then is right back where it was (right next to the stove, not hard to just miss), shit's going on! One also grabbed my foot the other night and turned it ice cold. It was at least 75 in our room and I was under a heated blanket.

To top it all off, I'm still pissed off that I can't post a blog from my iPad! Fix it, people! I don't feel like lugging my heavy ass laptop with me to visit family and friends! And no, I refuse to get a new light weight laptop. I love my Alienware. I'm a gamer and it meets or exceeds my needs.

~Hekate

The Fuck?!

Rant time, Minions. Hope you're ready for this!

Xic is in the reserves. He used to be active duty but since got out and plays weekend warrior. Now the military has exercises to keep them sharp. No big deal, right? Well it wasn't until what I heard last night. OPSEC be damned:

Military use to hold live fire exercises (real ammo shot during these training periods) until the 80's. why did they stop? Because too many people were getting killed. Seriously, our guys were shooting live ammo at targets yet hitting their own guys. So since then, 30 years ago, they haven't had live ammo exercises.

Our guys go overseas and get shot at by the other side every day. Some are lucky enough to not have to go on tours or get cushy jobs over there. Or guys have firing to keep them efficient with their weapons. They hold exercises at random times and treat it as a real world experience complete with casualties (special effect make-up used here).

So what has me worked up today? Well, I get notified by Xic that now they're bringing back live fire exercises! The fuck, guys? Seriously, our guys getting shot at on foreign soil isn't enough? Now you want to bring back the type of exercise that has our guys shooting live ammo? You're trusting some of these punk wannabe Rambo weekend warriors to not shoot their buddies? What the fuck happens if one freaks out and sprays all over the fucking place? "Collateral damage"? What the fuck do you tell the wives, husbands, kids, parents of the ones who get shot? Your (fill in the blank) was shot during a training exercise this weekend. Friendly fucking fire right here in the states. You want them to train and make sure they're hitting the right target, give them paint balls first! Those fuckers hurt and you know if you're on target.

"They were protective gear, ma'am. There are measures in place to make sure..." Blah blah fucking blah. BULLSHIT! That helmet you give them doesn't stop a stray fucking bullet. Got anything to protect their necks? Didn't think so.

I know our guys get shot every day in war zones. I know our police force get fired upon every day. Why the fuck should we risk our guys getting shot because you think they need more practice? Guess what I think will happen... People will die because some fuck up wannabe hero will start showing off and shit will happen and you'll have to stop the live fire again after getting yelled at by a bunch of pissed off spouses and parents. On top of that, you'll be losing a shit ton of people due to PTSD and lower enlistments than normal.

Have fun with that, guys. I just hope Xic gets his Sleep Apnea claim approved since the fucker likes to quit breathing 34 times a damn night on average. Seriously, he had a sleep study done and they're putting him on an APAP machine for "Severe Sleep Apnea". So now not only do I have to worry and lose sleep because he stops breathing every fucking night, I now have to worry about some dip shit, snot nosed noob shooting him over the fucking weekend at training. Awesome. My solid 2 hours of sleep will become a good 30 minutes now. Fuckers.

~Hekate

P.S. I hate that I can't post shit from my iPad anymore and copying form my email forces me to highlight and change the text. 

Lunch at the Mall...

Going to the mall for lunch on a rainy day is a treat for us. The kids can play inside at the play area they have, thus tiring them out and making for easy bedtime. Normally our lunch dates are uneventful. Today was different. Come with me on this "I'm going to spork someone's eyes out" journey...

Xic is hot. Really, REALLY hot. He's also my polar opposite. He's the normal guy and I'm, well... Goth. Now I know my husband is eye candy, but there's a point where it becomes too much. Case in point: Bleach Blonde Bitch with Less than A Tits and a Kid on the Hip.

Now Bleachy was checking Xic out. Hard core. It was so bad that he noticed it. That's saying something. Xic doesn't notice when chick are eyeing him up like he's some Greek God they must claim as their own. I notice, though. All the fucking time. Bleachy wasn't even trying to hide it.

Now a guy spending time with his kids is sexy in itself. Watching a hot guy feeding his kids from his plate of Chinese food is probably sensory overload. When said kids happen to be twin girls who are playing the "I'm cute and I know it" card on daddy, hearts melt and panties get wet. I should know. I was sitting across from Xic as this was going on. Which is what made me get somewhat twitchy faced as Bleachy eyed him up and down like she wanted to play the MILF card on my DILF.

He's a clue, Bleachy: If the guy you're eyeing up and down like he's an all you can eat buffet and he cringes without even looking up at you, you're giving off that creepy, Fatal Attraction vibe. and should just move on.

Now when the guy you're eyeing up is also sitting across from a woman who isn't his mother, doesn't look like his sister, and the kids he's feeding look like a mix of DILF and her, chances are it's his wife or girlfriend. He's another clue to look for: WEDDING RINGS. His was easy to spot since he eats left handed and mine isn't exactly small. Just sayin'.

Now if that wasn't enough to put me in an eye sporking mood what happened next was serious "Twitchy Face, Clinched Fists" worthy...

Bleachy moves on just as I asked Xic if I should spork her eyes out and then comes loads of stares and cringing faces. Apparently people in our town haven't seen a Goth before. Or maybe they're use to seeing Goths with "Their own kind". Then again, they may have thought I was going to eat Nyx and Nox... Either way, it came to me saying "Take a fucking picture, it lasts longer. Oh, I'm sorry, does my look offend you? Then don't fucking look at me, bitch!"

Older people I can forgive because they wonder what's wrong with the youth, but when the older people are saying to us "Oh, what cute babies. You two make such beautiful kids" and the younger crowd is making faces when they look at me makes my blood boil and I lose my cool.

I'm use to stares and whispers. I've dealt with it since I was a kid. It doesn't bother me. What bothers the fuck out of me is when you face a disgusted face at me for the way I'm dressed and my black lipstick when your ass looks like they rolled out of the fucking gutter after taking a facial from no less than 20 fucking guys and smell like 3 week old ass and sweat. Then you have the nerve to tell your 50 rolled friend with the Doritos crumbs on their face and the, what I can only assume, grease stain on their shirt that you "Can't believe she walks around like that and he let's her". Seriously, Cum Dumpster? So yeah, of course I'm going to tell you, in a not so polite voice, to shut your fucking mouth and keep walking before I spork a bitch. Next time you want to say something about the way someone is dressed, look in the fucking mirror and make sure to wipe the cum off your face. Oh, and tell your friend to stop wearing mid drift shirts. I had fucking nightmares last night.

~Hekate

Hekate? With a Purse?

If you haven't read my previous post Shout Out to an Awesome Crafter, I'm going to fill you in one this person here.

Okay, she makes purses out of... Ready? Duct Tape! Seriously. And before you start thinking "Uh, no thanks. That just sounds weird." Don't knock it yet.

Now I'm not talking about plain silver Duct Tape that you see. No, not at all. I'm talking all the prints you see. Skulls, checkerboard, plaid, dragons... This chick is good!

"But, Hekate... How do you know?"

Glad you asked that. Because yesterday I got my purse from her! Yes, Minions, your favorite Goth Mom is rocking a purse. Now I don't carry purses, I usually just have a wallet in my back pocket. Linkin Park one at that, but I digress. Yesterday I got the package I had been waiting for. My very own Dragon Clutch Purse by Em.

I just got up.

The picture doesn't do it justice. But since Xic has my preferred camera in the trunk of his car, I had to use my web cam. 

It's not heavy like you would think. It's light, soft, flexible, has a magnetic closure, mine has a gold chain, it's just fucking awesome!

If you're interested in getting one like mine, or want to check out her other projects (trust me, you do), head on over to her shop. She has a discount going on right now for 15% off until further notice. So what are you waiting for? There's something for everyone. Let her know I sent you.

~Hekate

P.S. Em, if you're reading this: I made a special trip to the store last night after I got it just to show it off!

There's Stereotypes, Then There's You

Yes, Annoying Neighbor Across the Lot, I am referring to you. You moved in a little over a month ago and I can't help but notice you play to EVERY FUCKING STEREOTYPE bestowed upon you and then some extra. How so? Where do I start?

First off, when you moved in you had "Ya boyz" (as you said) help unload everything at night so "The Spic Bitch across the way" wouldn't tell her million family members what you had. Nice to know you had me pegged from day one. And it's 2 million, asshole.

Second, during the day you walk around with your do rag on, pants hanging halfway off your ass, smoking a Black n Mild (I can smell it over here). If that wasn't enough into the stereotype, you then came home four days a week for three weeks with KFC. Someone's gonna have high cholesterol!

What came next was just too damn much. You drove home a few weeks ago driving a Cadillac Escalade with the bass so high our windows rattled and smoke rolling out of the windows. Really? The kicker, it smelled like burning trash. Hmm... Wonder what you were smoking?

The other night, you and "Ya Boyz" were hanging out in your garage drinking and conversing about any and every "Big booty bitch" who had the pleasure of riding your dick. Nice. And it lasted well past 1:00 am. We had to close our windows so Xic could sleep for work. 

Speaking of work. What the fuck do you do? You never leave for extended periods of time, but your wife, or girlfriend, or whatever she is does. So what is it that you do? Never mind. I don't know if I want to know.

Today was just too much that I couldn't help but laugh my ass off when drove up. You get out of your Escalade with yet another bucket of KFC (BTW I'm fucking jealous now cause I want some extra crispy), Black n Mild in your mouth, pants falling down, do rag in place. You go inside come back out and take a watermelon out of the back and a bag with three big things of Grape Kool-Aid mix (I know my Kool-Aid, don't ask).

How the fuck am I NOT suppose to think the stereotype bestowed upon you? I fucking HATE stereotypes with a passion! Everyone lumps me into several different ones: The "Spic Bitch with family out the Yin Yang and a shit ton of kids, The Drunken Indian who lives off casino money (I wish!), The Smelly Indian who eats a shit ton of curry (Uh, yuck!), The Goth Bitch who is pissed off at the world and lets everyone know it (Okay, half true), The Emo Chick who had a charmed life and cuts herself (Emo's make me sick and it's too close to Elmo), and last, but not least, The Wiccan Witch who will put a curse on you if you look at her wrong. I have too many to keep up with! 

Some I play with when I know it freaks people out, but I fucking hate being labeled. So why, Annoying Neighbor Across the Lot, why do you play into it yet get pissed off if someone brings it to your attention? Like your "Cuz" a few minutes ago? Jeez, he drives a Honda Accord and was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt that fit. So for now, while you still deny you're playing into the stereotype, I am going to keep facepalming when you do and laugh my ass off when you get carried away with it.

~Hekate

P.S. Take your cousin's advice and pull up your damned pants. You do, in fact, look like a fucking idiot.

Where I've Been...

Ever been in pain for more than two weeks and going on a month and it not be from an operation or recent injury? Yeah, that's been my life for the last few weeks. Remember the nerve test that was going to be done? Not any more. My insurance never cleared it so it's not happening. Thank you insurance! Seriously. I hate that fucking test.

Now on top of this pain that won't go the fuck away, I have a virus. Not sure if it's a 24 hour, 48 hour, or what right now. It just hit me this morning. Sure it did. It's only Xic's first day back at work. Why wouldn't it hit now?

The neighbors have been quiet since my last rant about them, so they're no fun to write about now. Damn them. I did find out that there is one neighbor who hasn't been scared off by me and doesn't think I'm too weird for playing "Zombie Apocalypse" with Nyx and Nox (I chase them around moaning "Braaaaaains" and proceed to chew on their heads when I catch them). How do I know she's not put off by us? Xic and I were taking the rails to the cribs down to the garage the other day and she almost cried thinking we were moving. When we explained what we were doing, she let out a sigh of relief. Guess the twins stole yet another heart.

Nyx and Nox have been obsessed with Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel movie. Nox goes all fan girl on me. She'll be standing, waiting for the movie to start. The second she hears Alvin laugh and say "We're baack!" she pulls her hands to her mouth, eyes big, smiling and holding back a squeal. Every. Single. Time. At least it's Alvin and not *vomit* Justin Bieber.

So that's about it. Nothing exciting has happened. Maybe soon Hecate will post a blog. I know she's had some interesting, crazy, fucked up shit happen to her! Poor sis. But it should be entertaining as Hell! lol

~Hekate

Give Me a Fucking Break!

11 fucking days. I've been in pain for 11 mother fucking days! Nonstop. Head, neck, back, legs and arms going numb. This is beyond fucking crazy and needs to stop. NOW! And to the fucking doctor who still thinks this is just my damned leg: Kiss my ass! If you think this is still just in my leg then you're a bigger douchewaffle then I thought.

In other news, Apple released their iOS 6 update. Good? Bad? I'm mixed but leaning to HORRIBLE! Why? Because it's fucking with me! First day and here's what went down:

YouTube app that came standard with iPhone/iPod/iPad: GONE. They dropped it! Now we have to download the app Google released if we want a YouTube app. I hope you all signed in and saved your favorites and history, otherwise it's gone.


"Where in the bloody Hell are my bookmarks?" Yep, every single bookmark and favorite I had was wiped out after the update. When I started to add my bookmarks back, IT WOULDN'T LET ME! It would not save a single one. I tried everything and nothing worked. I showed Xic, who checked his devices. His were fine. I went to show him mine wouldn't work and guess what? They were all back now. Are you fucking kidding me? Thanks for the raise in blood pressure, Apple.

Normally after an update, I don't have to re-authenticate all of my games or apps. This time I did. There are passwords that I had forgotten and I had to reset them all. This is good and bad. Good because now anyone who was close to hacking some of my accounts can't and bad because now I have to log 12 different passwords (Yeah, I'm one of the few who doesn't use the same password for everything). FML. 

So, now that the feeling of wanting to throw all of my Apple devices out the fucking window and smash them to bits has passed, I'll resume use of them. But mark my words, next time I may be switching to Android!

~Hekate

FFS!

In case you don't know, FFS is "For fuck sake!" So why, Minions, did I choose this as the title? Well, you're in luck. Things are about to get ranty up in here.

Five days. Five. Fucking. Days. I have been in the same damn pain since Thursday! Nothing is fucking helping. So what pain is this? Neck pain that shoots up to my head, mostly on the left side, and affects my arms. On top of that, yesterday it fucked my vision so bad that I relied on auto correct and keyboard memory. As if that wasn't enough, my lower back (Doc: read leg) has been feeling like I have a knife stuck in it. When I stand, my legs want to give out. When I lay down, automatic numbness and tingling from my waist down. When I walk, I'm borderline dragging my right leg. If I lay on my left side, my right side feels better, but my left side stings and feels like I have napalm running through me. If I lay on my right side, my left feels better, but now my right side screams "WTF are you doing?" If I lay on my stomach, I can't breath thanks to separated abdominal muscles that the docs refuse to fix and my back feels like it's going to break. An inversion table would be nice, but I'd probably get a nose bleed.

So, what does the doc say? Nothing, actually. He hasn't returned my calls. All I get from the nurse is do exactly what I've been doing and go to my EMG (nerve test) on the 3rd. So, in the words of Nyx and Nox, SHUT UP! YOU SUCK! And in my own words, FUCK YOU! How much Tylenol and Motrin can I possibly take before I start to sound like a pill bottle when I walk? How many fucking warm/hot showers and baths can I take before I boil myself? How many fucking ice/heat packs can I use before I get frost bite or burn myself? What other fucking options can you give me, Doc? That's what you get paid for! You get paid to fucking fix me, asshole! Instead you ignore my concerns and past medical history, order tests that have already been done and showed that my leg is not the fucking problem, and offer no suggestions on how to deal with this pain.

So it's my move. Ready for this? I will go to this fucking test, but I will no longer be seeing you. I will call when I need a refill on my seizure meds, but that's it. I will wait until we get settled in our final city before ever going back to a doctor. I will go for acupuncture and hypnotherapy to cope and find ways to live with the constant fucking pain that has made me cry like a little fucking bitch for five fucking days.

As for you, Doc: GO FUCK YOURSELF IN THE ASS WITH A RAZOR BLADED DILDO AND NO KY!

~Hekate