The Monday That Would NOT END!

Oh, Minions, are you ready for a fucking hilarious post? Of course you are! That's why I love you all! Except you... No no, not you... YOU! Yeah, I tolerate you. You know who you are. Anyway, on with the show!

So first off, Nyx and Nox are finally asleep. Over eight hours awake, refusing to take a nap, tossing food on the floor at dinner time, and Nox being extremely clingy to me today. It ended with a banshee cry from Hell for about 20 minutes straight from Nox before she passed the fuck out from being tired. And at one point I was on the phone with one of my SIL, Xeno (her name she gave herself), CC's mom. Her call is one reason tonight's post is going to be fucking EPIC! Shall we?

Phone rings and it's Xeno. "I've got something for you to blog about and I needed to tell somebody." Oh I am all ears and taking note, Minions. This is how you get Goth Mom fame:

"So I had a job interview with people from Goodyear today," she starts. Now what I translate form my half ass, short hand, sloppy notes goes something like this. The interview is in Ohio, she lives in a different state and I'm not saying where in case one of you is a stalking type. (I'm looking at you again.) So the airport is about 45 minutes away, so yesterday she drives there and goes in to get her tickets. She's standing in line and the woman can't find her tickets. The fuck? Then just as she's pulling something up, the board behind her says "United Airlines Flight 555 Cancelled" The excuse? Bad weather in Chicago. The real reason? Fucking mechanical failures that resulted in a fire mid-fucking-flight on one plane. Nice try there, sweet cheeks, but people have phones equipped with internet now. Think they can't/won't find out? STFU and just stand there looking half ass pretty, okay? So she tries to find another flight out but says none are available. Are you for real now? An entire fucking airport and not one single flight has a seat? I call bullshit. So Xeno calls the people at Goodyear to let them know. They get in touch with their travel agent and get her a flight on Delta Airlines. Goodyear and Delta save the day! The bad news is it delayed her by four hours. Fucking luck. 

When she gets to her destination she goes to pick up her rental car. The fucking bastards gave it to someone else since she was late. Yeah, yeah, they can do that. I know. But for fucks sake, it's not her damned fault! So they said they could put her in a minivan or a Ford Flex. Uh, duh! Ford Flex, please! Who the fuck wants to rock a minivan? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Fuck you if you think that's not funny! So now to the hotel. She's staying at the Hilton. Sounds nice right? Yeah, sure. I guess. She gets there at 1:00 am. She types up her portfolio and sends it to the wireless printer they all brag about. She goes down to the desk to pick up her work and the guy says "We don't have that here." FUCK YOU HILTON! Don't brag about shit you don't fucking have you cock sucking assholes! The worse news, she didn't back it up. Now it's Tuesday, but it's fucking Monday luck.

Next day she goes to her interview. It's at 8 am and suppose to be an hour long. Six. Fucking. Hours. Long. And with six different people. Xeno is diabetic and needs to eat. For crying out loud, people! Offer her some damned chips, fruit, something! I'm surprised she didn't snap all your fucking heads off and drink your blood! Oh wait... That's my thing. Sorry.

Back to the airport, drop off the rental car, gets to her terminal, catches plane, lands in Atlanta for her transfer, and looks for a place to eat. Quizno's. That's it? One fucking place and it's Quizno's? Whatever. So she orders one sandwich (don't ask, I don't remember and can't read what the fuck I wrote), the chick calls back a completely different sandwich, and then proceeds to make said fucked up order. Xeno corrects her and she gets all pissy "Well this is what you ordered!" Actually, sweet tits, it isn't. Clean the cum out of your ears and listen next time. So Cumdumb makes the right sandwich and the guy's next to Xeno. Xeno pays $12.85 for a sub and a Mt. Dew, heads to her gate, starts to charge her phone and dives into... What the fuck is this shit? Cumdumb gave her the guy's fucking sandwich and, according to Xeno, was fucking disgusting! She paid $12.85 for a fucking sandwich she couldn't eat. FUCK YOU, QUIZNO'S!

Anyway, she made it back to her car and called me while she was driving the 45 minutes back home. Thanks, Monday, for sticking around for another day. If you show your fucking face here tomorrow, I'll punch you in the throat! Got it?

~Hekate

Hellooooo Nurse!

So yesterday, SIL and I went to get a massage. We went to this local shop that, from the outside, makes you think, "$5 me sucky sucky." Seriously, it's in a strip mall, on the side that you would really have to know about it to find it. Location, location, location. We walk in and, of course, a little Asian woman walks up and greats us. The decor is nice inside, but still gives you the vibe of bow chicka bow wow.


So Fook Mi shows us to our rooms. Very tranquil feeling for me, now. I'm a certified massage therapist, so I know what I want. Fook Mi takes on SIL and Fook Yu comes into my room. I can no longer vouch for what happens with SIL, but here's what happened with me. Shit gets interesting.


Fook Yu puts on some music that I can not understand, but the beat is nice. Holy fucking shit, here comes that voice in my head saying "You're about to get yours!" but it's in the run for your fucking life tone instead of the yeah, baby tone. At this point in time I'm just laying there under that sheet in all my goth glory hoping I don't have to go all Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon on miss thang. Then it starts...


Mama-san put me in drool inducing sleep in a heart beat. She stretched my back, kneaded my muscles, and did me right in the right way. I didn't realize how many knots I had in my back until she hopped up on the table with me, straddled me, and put an elbow right into my shoulder. Oh my fucking GAWD! I am fucking jello now. Then things get crazy.


Fook Yu Right starts working on my arse. Yep, she pulls that sheet down and digs in full force. Let me say that at first I was thinking 'It's fucking COLD!" then I was quickly taken to "Oh shit!" state. Now weather this was the plan or not, it fucking happened. She is kneading and rolling, massaging and stretching my lower back and arse so good my fucking toes curled, I saw in full HD technicolor, and... Soaked the fucking sheets. Not even fucking kidding here, Minions. It. Was. EPIC.


As I'm laying there thinking "This never fucking happened before" she keeps working on me, moves to my legs, and doesn't even seem to care. She gets warm towels and lays one on my back and starts to clean off the oil, then my legs. She has me roll over which, at this point, I'm thinking "Yes ma'am!" She massages my arms, hands, quads, and scalp. When she finishes she quietly says she's finished and walks out. I lay there for a minute not wanting to move but reluctantly get up ad get dressed. I look back and all I can think is Mama-san did me fucking right! All without the actual sucky sucky, licky licky part.


Bills gets paid and tips are giving and we head back to my house, but first, we need food. Hey, I get hungry after happy endings. Teriyaki, here we come!


~Hekate