Dear Apartment Complex:

I am writing this blog/letter/complaint to you and for everyone who has to deal with places like you.

Let's be honest here, the only reason Xic and I decided to move into your place was because all of our other options were either craptacular places or in banjo picking territory. We signed the lease and have followed all the rules to date. We told you when we moved in that we had two cars, you said "No problem. If your garage is full, like most people here, you can park one car in front of the garage and the other in one of the spots on the side." Awesome! No big deal. And then my car crapped out. So Xic and I moved it to the street to open a spot for someone else. We didn't park in that spot for months. One neighbor thought I actually left Xic and took the kids with me. That's how long that spot was open. No one parked there. EVER.

Last month Xic bought me a new car for Christmas. We came back home on December 21st with two cars. I parked in front of the garage and Xic parked in the other spot that no one used. Made more since since he works and leaves almost every day. Guess what happens when he leaves? No one parks in that spot.

You and all your employees drive by here often. You see we're always on the move. So why did you feel the need to leave a note on our door this morning before your office even opened saying we are contributing to the parking problem at our building? Someone fucking complained and I know just what pussy ass, coward bitch said shit too. The middle aged hermit, dried up bitch on the ground floor. We're the only people with two cars, so I know it was directed toward us. Why write a fucking letter? Why not just, oh I don't know, ASK us. Xic works the graveyard shift this week and next but I am always home. You have our number, you could have called and told us that someone was complaining, though I don't know why. What, is she expecting and over sized dildo to be delivered? Because I know for a fact that old smokey back there doesn't get any fucking visitors. Troll face couldn't pay people to visit her! Even Hell Hound runs when he sees her! The fucking community cat wouldn't even go near her and hissed at her when she looked at him! The fuck does that tell you?

I am so fucking glad that we found a new place to move to and can't wait for our lease to be up! Sure we'd have to pay $50 more a month for rent, but we'd get an extra bedroom, more square feet, a patio/balcony, storage room, they have three pools, a hot tub, a tanning bed, fitness center, theater, a playground, and on site movie rental. You don't even have a pool. All you have is... Wait, I know this... OH! A water hose you call a car wash. Gee, I'm so going to miss living here. 

I will come back to visit one of my neighbors, though. That will be the only thing I actually miss.

~Hekate

P.S. Have fun with the carpet in Nyx and Nox's room. When they were sick, they puked and shit on the carpet. LMAO Then there's always the door they tore down. >=D

Lunch at the Mall...

Going to the mall for lunch on a rainy day is a treat for us. The kids can play inside at the play area they have, thus tiring them out and making for easy bedtime. Normally our lunch dates are uneventful. Today was different. Come with me on this "I'm going to spork someone's eyes out" journey...

Xic is hot. Really, REALLY hot. He's also my polar opposite. He's the normal guy and I'm, well... Goth. Now I know my husband is eye candy, but there's a point where it becomes too much. Case in point: Bleach Blonde Bitch with Less than A Tits and a Kid on the Hip.

Now Bleachy was checking Xic out. Hard core. It was so bad that he noticed it. That's saying something. Xic doesn't notice when chick are eyeing him up like he's some Greek God they must claim as their own. I notice, though. All the fucking time. Bleachy wasn't even trying to hide it.

Now a guy spending time with his kids is sexy in itself. Watching a hot guy feeding his kids from his plate of Chinese food is probably sensory overload. When said kids happen to be twin girls who are playing the "I'm cute and I know it" card on daddy, hearts melt and panties get wet. I should know. I was sitting across from Xic as this was going on. Which is what made me get somewhat twitchy faced as Bleachy eyed him up and down like she wanted to play the MILF card on my DILF.

He's a clue, Bleachy: If the guy you're eyeing up and down like he's an all you can eat buffet and he cringes without even looking up at you, you're giving off that creepy, Fatal Attraction vibe. and should just move on.

Now when the guy you're eyeing up is also sitting across from a woman who isn't his mother, doesn't look like his sister, and the kids he's feeding look like a mix of DILF and her, chances are it's his wife or girlfriend. He's another clue to look for: WEDDING RINGS. His was easy to spot since he eats left handed and mine isn't exactly small. Just sayin'.

Now if that wasn't enough to put me in an eye sporking mood what happened next was serious "Twitchy Face, Clinched Fists" worthy...

Bleachy moves on just as I asked Xic if I should spork her eyes out and then comes loads of stares and cringing faces. Apparently people in our town haven't seen a Goth before. Or maybe they're use to seeing Goths with "Their own kind". Then again, they may have thought I was going to eat Nyx and Nox... Either way, it came to me saying "Take a fucking picture, it lasts longer. Oh, I'm sorry, does my look offend you? Then don't fucking look at me, bitch!"

Older people I can forgive because they wonder what's wrong with the youth, but when the older people are saying to us "Oh, what cute babies. You two make such beautiful kids" and the younger crowd is making faces when they look at me makes my blood boil and I lose my cool.

I'm use to stares and whispers. I've dealt with it since I was a kid. It doesn't bother me. What bothers the fuck out of me is when you face a disgusted face at me for the way I'm dressed and my black lipstick when your ass looks like they rolled out of the fucking gutter after taking a facial from no less than 20 fucking guys and smell like 3 week old ass and sweat. Then you have the nerve to tell your 50 rolled friend with the Doritos crumbs on their face and the, what I can only assume, grease stain on their shirt that you "Can't believe she walks around like that and he let's her". Seriously, Cum Dumpster? So yeah, of course I'm going to tell you, in a not so polite voice, to shut your fucking mouth and keep walking before I spork a bitch. Next time you want to say something about the way someone is dressed, look in the fucking mirror and make sure to wipe the cum off your face. Oh, and tell your friend to stop wearing mid drift shirts. I had fucking nightmares last night.

~Hekate

Give Me a Fucking Break!

11 fucking days. I've been in pain for 11 mother fucking days! Nonstop. Head, neck, back, legs and arms going numb. This is beyond fucking crazy and needs to stop. NOW! And to the fucking doctor who still thinks this is just my damned leg: Kiss my ass! If you think this is still just in my leg then you're a bigger douchewaffle then I thought.

In other news, Apple released their iOS 6 update. Good? Bad? I'm mixed but leaning to HORRIBLE! Why? Because it's fucking with me! First day and here's what went down:

YouTube app that came standard with iPhone/iPod/iPad: GONE. They dropped it! Now we have to download the app Google released if we want a YouTube app. I hope you all signed in and saved your favorites and history, otherwise it's gone.


"Where in the bloody Hell are my bookmarks?" Yep, every single bookmark and favorite I had was wiped out after the update. When I started to add my bookmarks back, IT WOULDN'T LET ME! It would not save a single one. I tried everything and nothing worked. I showed Xic, who checked his devices. His were fine. I went to show him mine wouldn't work and guess what? They were all back now. Are you fucking kidding me? Thanks for the raise in blood pressure, Apple.

Normally after an update, I don't have to re-authenticate all of my games or apps. This time I did. There are passwords that I had forgotten and I had to reset them all. This is good and bad. Good because now anyone who was close to hacking some of my accounts can't and bad because now I have to log 12 different passwords (Yeah, I'm one of the few who doesn't use the same password for everything). FML. 

So, now that the feeling of wanting to throw all of my Apple devices out the fucking window and smash them to bits has passed, I'll resume use of them. But mark my words, next time I may be switching to Android!

~Hekate

The Date is Set...

3 OCT 2012 at 3:00 pm I will undergo one of the most torturous tests in the medical world. An EMG (Electormyogram/ Nerve conduction study). They will be shoving a fucking needle into my muscles and near nerves and shocking them with electricity to check for any abnormalities. Sounds fun, right? Yeah, real fucking fun. I had one of these done back in 2007 and the damn thing made me twitch and have seizures for the rest of the fucking day. 

So why am I having another one done? Because Dr. Fucker decided to order one and if I don't get it done, he can (and probably would) drop me as a patient. Why do I care? Because I need my seizure meds and there are no other doctors in our area right now accepting new patients. Great. Fuck my luck.

"But Hekate, I thought you were a bad ass who didn't care?" I don't care about fucking idiots and what they think. However when it comes to shoving damned needles repeatedly into my leg and shocking the fuck out of the muscles and nerves I care. I have to take care of my Gothlings and I can't do that very fucking well when Xic is at work and I'm twitching like a motherfucking addict or seizing, now can I? But do these fucking doctors give two shits? No. "Why not schedule it for when Xic is off?" You fuckers think I didn't think of that? The problem is the first available appointment is on a day he works and the one I scheduled for is unknown because they haven't made it that far ahead yet. "Why not get help from family or friends?" Uh, maybe because most of my family lives 5 hours away and wouldn't even visit unless I paid them and I have no friends in the area and don't care for most of the people here anyway. On top of that, I don't think these so-called normal people here could handle Nyx and Nox in full on zombie mode.

So I'm fucking stuck with getting stabbed and shocked. Again. Fuck. My. Luck.

I need a new doctor and just start from scratch. If we get the town we're hoping for, I may just do that. 

~Hekate

The Monday That Would NOT END!

Oh, Minions, are you ready for a fucking hilarious post? Of course you are! That's why I love you all! Except you... No no, not you... YOU! Yeah, I tolerate you. You know who you are. Anyway, on with the show!

So first off, Nyx and Nox are finally asleep. Over eight hours awake, refusing to take a nap, tossing food on the floor at dinner time, and Nox being extremely clingy to me today. It ended with a banshee cry from Hell for about 20 minutes straight from Nox before she passed the fuck out from being tired. And at one point I was on the phone with one of my SIL, Xeno (her name she gave herself), CC's mom. Her call is one reason tonight's post is going to be fucking EPIC! Shall we?

Phone rings and it's Xeno. "I've got something for you to blog about and I needed to tell somebody." Oh I am all ears and taking note, Minions. This is how you get Goth Mom fame:

"So I had a job interview with people from Goodyear today," she starts. Now what I translate form my half ass, short hand, sloppy notes goes something like this. The interview is in Ohio, she lives in a different state and I'm not saying where in case one of you is a stalking type. (I'm looking at you again.) So the airport is about 45 minutes away, so yesterday she drives there and goes in to get her tickets. She's standing in line and the woman can't find her tickets. The fuck? Then just as she's pulling something up, the board behind her says "United Airlines Flight 555 Cancelled" The excuse? Bad weather in Chicago. The real reason? Fucking mechanical failures that resulted in a fire mid-fucking-flight on one plane. Nice try there, sweet cheeks, but people have phones equipped with internet now. Think they can't/won't find out? STFU and just stand there looking half ass pretty, okay? So she tries to find another flight out but says none are available. Are you for real now? An entire fucking airport and not one single flight has a seat? I call bullshit. So Xeno calls the people at Goodyear to let them know. They get in touch with their travel agent and get her a flight on Delta Airlines. Goodyear and Delta save the day! The bad news is it delayed her by four hours. Fucking luck. 

When she gets to her destination she goes to pick up her rental car. The fucking bastards gave it to someone else since she was late. Yeah, yeah, they can do that. I know. But for fucks sake, it's not her damned fault! So they said they could put her in a minivan or a Ford Flex. Uh, duh! Ford Flex, please! Who the fuck wants to rock a minivan? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller? Fuck you if you think that's not funny! So now to the hotel. She's staying at the Hilton. Sounds nice right? Yeah, sure. I guess. She gets there at 1:00 am. She types up her portfolio and sends it to the wireless printer they all brag about. She goes down to the desk to pick up her work and the guy says "We don't have that here." FUCK YOU HILTON! Don't brag about shit you don't fucking have you cock sucking assholes! The worse news, she didn't back it up. Now it's Tuesday, but it's fucking Monday luck.

Next day she goes to her interview. It's at 8 am and suppose to be an hour long. Six. Fucking. Hours. Long. And with six different people. Xeno is diabetic and needs to eat. For crying out loud, people! Offer her some damned chips, fruit, something! I'm surprised she didn't snap all your fucking heads off and drink your blood! Oh wait... That's my thing. Sorry.

Back to the airport, drop off the rental car, gets to her terminal, catches plane, lands in Atlanta for her transfer, and looks for a place to eat. Quizno's. That's it? One fucking place and it's Quizno's? Whatever. So she orders one sandwich (don't ask, I don't remember and can't read what the fuck I wrote), the chick calls back a completely different sandwich, and then proceeds to make said fucked up order. Xeno corrects her and she gets all pissy "Well this is what you ordered!" Actually, sweet tits, it isn't. Clean the cum out of your ears and listen next time. So Cumdumb makes the right sandwich and the guy's next to Xeno. Xeno pays $12.85 for a sub and a Mt. Dew, heads to her gate, starts to charge her phone and dives into... What the fuck is this shit? Cumdumb gave her the guy's fucking sandwich and, according to Xeno, was fucking disgusting! She paid $12.85 for a fucking sandwich she couldn't eat. FUCK YOU, QUIZNO'S!

Anyway, she made it back to her car and called me while she was driving the 45 minutes back home. Thanks, Monday, for sticking around for another day. If you show your fucking face here tomorrow, I'll punch you in the throat! Got it?

~Hekate

Moving, Drinking, Driving, IDIOTS!

Okay Minions, this is another heated rant. Right now, I need to hop up on my soap box and bitch a little. Okay, a lot!

First thing on today's rant list: PCS. PCS is a move for military and their family. It stands for Permanent Change of Station. When in the military, you move around. Sometimes a lot. If you're lucky (or not for some) you stay at the same base for an entire enlistment. However, if you find yourself in a PCS, you have movers pack up all your belongings in two separate moves. The first one should be "Unaccompanied Baggage". This is the stuff you'll want upon arrival at your next base. Things like professional gear (vests, boots, uniforms), pots and pans, dishes, sheets, towels... You get the idea. The next is HHG (Household Goods). This is everything else in your house. Now here where the rant starts...

My twin, Hecate, is in the middle of a PCS with her husband, Kobal. Now remember I said unaccompanied baggage first? Yeah, the fucking idiot, assholes at their current base set up HHG to be packed and picked up first. Now with any PCS, you have a weight limit. For them, it was 9000 lbs. The reason for unaccompanied to be packed first it to avoid my Hecate's situation they're facing: Over the weight limit. Why is this a problem? Because their HHG weighed in over 12,000 lbs the base is refusing to take their unaccompanied baggage. Including their pro-gear! Mother fuckers need to ship that shit! THEY. CAN'T. WORK. WITHOUT. IT. I'd be kicking some major fucking ass if I were still their! This is something they can't take with them. At all. Why the fuck did this base set it up backward? Because it is becoming a backward mother fucking base that's going to Hell in a hand basket pretty damn quick! I'm fucking fuming about this! Ship their stuff out, you fucking douchewaffles! Now Hecate said she might be able to call in a favor with the Wing Commander. Yeah, she's that fucking awesome that she can call in favors to him. That's just how we roll, Minions. I hope for the base's sake that they ship their stuff. Because if they don't, I have a feeling we'll be seeing on the news "Woman Burns Military Base to Ground Alone". And that's only because I'm not there to help.

Second thing on the rant list: Drink Drivers. As I was talking to Hecate on Skype about the fucktards at their base, she informs me of a DUI that resulted in a crash. Being that they are overseas, this is even worse. Military members and their families are ambassadors for the US. Nice way to fucking make the host country think this is how all Americans are! It wasn't just one person in the accident either. Two people, at 8:00 am were drunk off their asses and crashed into a pole. At least that's what they're saying at the moment. It was so bad they had to transfer one guy from the military hospital to an off base one to treat him. The other guy, still not sure if he was the driver, was immediately discharged from the military. It was THAT fucking bad! So here it goes:

Why the fuck are you drunk that fucking early? Seriously! And being THAT drunk and driving makes you the winner of Fucking Douchewaffle Idiot of the Year. I can't stand fucking drunk drivers! You people are the fucking scum beneath the scum of the Earth! You should all be lined up and have be stoned to death by anyone who has lost a loved one to a drunk driver! I don't care if you drink and get shit faced in your off time, but you need to have at least half a fucking brain cell to get someone else to drive you! Call a fucking cab if you have to and pick your damned car up the next fucking day! And any "friend" who lets someone drive drunk is no better and should be stabbed in the fucking jaw. Oh, and if you have a fucking friend in the car and you're both fucking wasted at eight in the fucking morning maybe you should have rolled and either become fucking vegetables, paralyzed, or died because you're obviously real fucking winners. 

If you fucking disagree, that's cool. I don't fucking care what you think because this is how I feel. If you have a fucking friend or family member that drinks and drive and you know it and try to defend them by saying "Well, what if it was your family member who did it? How would you feel if they died?" Uh, I would say THEY FUCKING DESERVED IT! I don't care. If my kids ever did it and lived through a crash, I would probably kill them myself. Would I mourn the loss of my kid if they died from their drinking and driving? Yeah. Only a heartless fucker wouldn't. But that doesn't change the fact that I would be pissed the fuck off for them being an idiot even if it was a one time lapse of judgement. No excuses.

The the "What if it was your family member" question I would also ask "How would you feel if one of your other family members was killed by the other? A child in the same car? A sister in the car that was hit? A mother talking a walk around the block?" Because what you would feel for the innocent family member is how every person who has lost someone because of a drunk driver feels every fucking day. So to all the assholes who have and still drive drunk thinking it will never happen to you because you're always in control: FUCK YOU, YOU DEGENERATE, INSIGNIFICANT, CRETIN! BURN IN HELL!

Okay, I think I'm done. I'll shut up and try to get back to funny shit soon.

~Hekate

The Mildly Boring, Yet Somewhat Entertaining, Day

T'was another hot day here in Gothland, Minions. At least I didn't have a sick baby today, which pleases me knowing it wasn't anything serious and that it wasn't anything a good nights sleep couldn't cured.

So it started off as a boring day, but soon shit got interesting. Crazy with a 100% chance of twitchy face. Take a journey with me through today's event:

Xic has reserve duty this weekend. No biggie, one weekend a month, two weeks a year. Yeah, no biggie. He just has to wake up at 0430 to get ready and his alarm is the annoyingly loud, obnoxious one that could send someone into immediate fight mode with stabbing tendencies. Oh how I abhor that alarm. Yeah, new word for you. I may use my extensive vocabulary at times, but trust me, most of the time it will be "Fuckity, fuck, fucking, fucker". Okay, back to today. Xic leaves for duty and I go back to sleep for a few more hours before the Gothlings wake up. I get a text around 8:00 am saying that the unit Xic is in is going to try to force him through his "medical shit." Short back story: Xic has been told he may have sleep apnea and needs a sleep study. Therefore he can't deploy for his two week time when it hits. He has an appointment for the referral on Monday and they'll schedule his sleep study as soon as they can. May be a week, may be a month, may be more. So I kind of get pissy and rant to Xic about it. Spouting off the condition, how it's a risk to speed through it all, and they can't send him out against a medical profile, blah, blah, fuckity blah. Yeah, so that got out of my system quick. Sorry, Xic! Yeah, take note that that will probably be the only time I apologize.

Day goes on, not much happens. Same shit, different day. Nyx and Nox fight over toys, books, blankets... If you have kids, you know that after a while, you only respond if there's the sound of something breaking, you smell smoke, or hear the blood curdling scream that says something is wrong. Every other cry gets the "Work it out yourself" response. Most of the time. Well my little demons have taken their fights to the next level. Level: Toddler Epic. What's Toddle Epic? That would be the smashing books, toys, and whatever else they can get their grubby little hands on over the other one's head. On. Purpose. Not like the normal "What happens if I do this?" but the "You took my toy? Oh Hell no!" hit. This one I respond to because I hear the smack followed by the "Oh my gawd, the sky is falling" cry. If that isn't enough, they now push each other off of the bed. While standing and jumping. Or climb on the toy bin and push the other off. 

I yelled at a neighbor, or visitor I don't know or care, today. We have assigned parking here for some spots. Xic is gone and our space is open. So what do you think doucher did? Yep, parked in our spot right in front of our garage clearly marked with our apartment number/letter. Douchwaffle isn't even in our building so there's no excuse. So I go down and say, as nicely as I can since my uterus is about to go nuclear on me, that he can't park in our space and will need to move as I am expecting my husband back soon. It wasn't a lie either, Xic should would have been back within an hour. So SlimEnDim says "I can park where ever the fuck I want to park. No trick bitch can make me move!" Oh buddy, you just fucked up. So I reply, again as nicely and now sarcastically, "If you stay in out spot my husband will end up blocking you in. But hey, you're call." As I start to walk away he yells, "If he does, then I'll just ram his fucking car out of my way when I leave!" Twitchy face, clinched fists, and ready to throw down I say, "Fine. You do that. Oh, but if you don't move your car in 3 fucking minutes, I will call the tow company and have it removed. If my husband gets back and you ram his car, be prepared to have your car tagged, buckets of paint poured on it, the windows smashed, tires slashed, bloody fucking tampons and pads glues to it, and rancid shitty diapers smeared on the inside and left. I have a diaper genii filled with them. Your move, asshole." His jaw dropped and he immediately moved his car without a single word spoken after that. Okay, maybe my day wasn't that boring. I'm just use to this shit.

Xic had to go back to base and now I'm waiting for him to get home. In theory he should have been back, or at least on his way, by now. Gotta love the military. So I'm sitting here, listening to the sounds our neighbor kids fighting and can't help but laugh at the mom saying they fight worse than any other siblings. I doubt that. I think for now, Nyx and Nox hold the title of "Craziest Sibling Fights". Or is it normal for toddlers to slam each other's head into the walls leaving dents and laughing after it's over?

ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?!?

Minions, every once in a while I'll rant about douchewaffles, twatwaffles, and complete fucking jackasses I encounter, but this takes the fucking cake one fucking idiot and wins the Fucked Up Parent Award in my book!

I hate the news because it's fucking depressing as Hell, but this caught my eye and as a parent I am screaming at my computer "What the fuck was he thinking?!?" Seriously! Now I have rode a few motorcycles in my time, some as a kid and some as an adult, but never would I think, nor would any sane mother fucking person, put a one-year-old baby between the handle bars and themselves! A child that age can't even hold on for piggy back rides well, what the Hell was this "father" thinking? On top of that, he was going over the 10 MPH limit set in their complex! Was he actively trying to kill himself and his child? Was this just a lapse of judgment on his part? Was he drunk and not thinking clearly? Seriously! 

I know the boys mother is in Hell right now morning the death of her baby boy, and I do feel bad for her. No parent should have to go through that. Ever. But where was she when this was going on? Did she allow the guy to do this? Was she at work and had no idea? If she didn't know, then I feel even worse for her. How the fuck ever, if she knew this was going on and didn't fucking try to stop this shit, she's just as much to blame as the father.

As for Douche-bag Dad, he may feel guilty about this, but he's the fucking moron who did this shit and put his son's life in danger and it cost a little boy his life! That's something you just don't do as a parent! You spend your every waking moment protecting your kids! You do everything in your power to keep them safe! I hope he's haunted every fucking day with the image of his son's last moments alive. I hope he lives in fucking torment knowing he killed his son. And I hope they press charges against him and put him in prison for reckless endangerment and vehicular homicide! On top of that, I hope every fucking person in the prison he's in finds out what he did and throws him a blanket party!

Am I pissed off? Damn right I am! And it's not even my child or a relative! Imagine what the fuck I would do and say if it were? If Xic ever pulled a stunt like that, he would hope he died from injuries because I would be his worst fucking nightmare and he knows it. I swear, fucking people need a licence to have kids!

I hope the mother of this boy didn't know that the dad was doing this. I really do. Because if she knew, she should be charged with reckless endangerment and an accessory to homicide and deserves the same fucking treatment as the dad. If they manage to work a deal and get a slap on the wrist sentence, they better hope I never meet them or see them walking in my town, because I will beat the shit out of them and torture them for days before ending their life in a slow and painful way. Again, I'm not even related to this baby and I have these feelings. I get this way with every report I hear about a child being abused or killed.

If you don't agree with me, that's fine. That's your right. But this is my blog and I'll voice my opinion and thoughts about whatever I want. Don't expect an apology from me, either.

I'm done for now. I'm going to give Nyx and Nox their bath now and hug them extra tight tonight before they push me, proceed to tackle me from behind, and use me as their personal tree to climb. And I'll love every second of it even though I'll complain at the time.

~Hekate