Dear Apartment Complex:

I am writing this blog/letter/complaint to you and for everyone who has to deal with places like you.

Let's be honest here, the only reason Xic and I decided to move into your place was because all of our other options were either craptacular places or in banjo picking territory. We signed the lease and have followed all the rules to date. We told you when we moved in that we had two cars, you said "No problem. If your garage is full, like most people here, you can park one car in front of the garage and the other in one of the spots on the side." Awesome! No big deal. And then my car crapped out. So Xic and I moved it to the street to open a spot for someone else. We didn't park in that spot for months. One neighbor thought I actually left Xic and took the kids with me. That's how long that spot was open. No one parked there. EVER.

Last month Xic bought me a new car for Christmas. We came back home on December 21st with two cars. I parked in front of the garage and Xic parked in the other spot that no one used. Made more since since he works and leaves almost every day. Guess what happens when he leaves? No one parks in that spot.

You and all your employees drive by here often. You see we're always on the move. So why did you feel the need to leave a note on our door this morning before your office even opened saying we are contributing to the parking problem at our building? Someone fucking complained and I know just what pussy ass, coward bitch said shit too. The middle aged hermit, dried up bitch on the ground floor. We're the only people with two cars, so I know it was directed toward us. Why write a fucking letter? Why not just, oh I don't know, ASK us. Xic works the graveyard shift this week and next but I am always home. You have our number, you could have called and told us that someone was complaining, though I don't know why. What, is she expecting and over sized dildo to be delivered? Because I know for a fact that old smokey back there doesn't get any fucking visitors. Troll face couldn't pay people to visit her! Even Hell Hound runs when he sees her! The fucking community cat wouldn't even go near her and hissed at her when she looked at him! The fuck does that tell you?

I am so fucking glad that we found a new place to move to and can't wait for our lease to be up! Sure we'd have to pay $50 more a month for rent, but we'd get an extra bedroom, more square feet, a patio/balcony, storage room, they have three pools, a hot tub, a tanning bed, fitness center, theater, a playground, and on site movie rental. You don't even have a pool. All you have is... Wait, I know this... OH! A water hose you call a car wash. Gee, I'm so going to miss living here. 

I will come back to visit one of my neighbors, though. That will be the only thing I actually miss.

~Hekate

P.S. Have fun with the carpet in Nyx and Nox's room. When they were sick, they puked and shit on the carpet. LMAO Then there's always the door they tore down. >=D

There's Stereotypes, Then There's You

Yes, Annoying Neighbor Across the Lot, I am referring to you. You moved in a little over a month ago and I can't help but notice you play to EVERY FUCKING STEREOTYPE bestowed upon you and then some extra. How so? Where do I start?

First off, when you moved in you had "Ya boyz" (as you said) help unload everything at night so "The Spic Bitch across the way" wouldn't tell her million family members what you had. Nice to know you had me pegged from day one. And it's 2 million, asshole.

Second, during the day you walk around with your do rag on, pants hanging halfway off your ass, smoking a Black n Mild (I can smell it over here). If that wasn't enough into the stereotype, you then came home four days a week for three weeks with KFC. Someone's gonna have high cholesterol!

What came next was just too damn much. You drove home a few weeks ago driving a Cadillac Escalade with the bass so high our windows rattled and smoke rolling out of the windows. Really? The kicker, it smelled like burning trash. Hmm... Wonder what you were smoking?

The other night, you and "Ya Boyz" were hanging out in your garage drinking and conversing about any and every "Big booty bitch" who had the pleasure of riding your dick. Nice. And it lasted well past 1:00 am. We had to close our windows so Xic could sleep for work. 

Speaking of work. What the fuck do you do? You never leave for extended periods of time, but your wife, or girlfriend, or whatever she is does. So what is it that you do? Never mind. I don't know if I want to know.

Today was just too much that I couldn't help but laugh my ass off when drove up. You get out of your Escalade with yet another bucket of KFC (BTW I'm fucking jealous now cause I want some extra crispy), Black n Mild in your mouth, pants falling down, do rag in place. You go inside come back out and take a watermelon out of the back and a bag with three big things of Grape Kool-Aid mix (I know my Kool-Aid, don't ask).

How the fuck am I NOT suppose to think the stereotype bestowed upon you? I fucking HATE stereotypes with a passion! Everyone lumps me into several different ones: The "Spic Bitch with family out the Yin Yang and a shit ton of kids, The Drunken Indian who lives off casino money (I wish!), The Smelly Indian who eats a shit ton of curry (Uh, yuck!), The Goth Bitch who is pissed off at the world and lets everyone know it (Okay, half true), The Emo Chick who had a charmed life and cuts herself (Emo's make me sick and it's too close to Elmo), and last, but not least, The Wiccan Witch who will put a curse on you if you look at her wrong. I have too many to keep up with! 

Some I play with when I know it freaks people out, but I fucking hate being labeled. So why, Annoying Neighbor Across the Lot, why do you play into it yet get pissed off if someone brings it to your attention? Like your "Cuz" a few minutes ago? Jeez, he drives a Honda Accord and was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt that fit. So for now, while you still deny you're playing into the stereotype, I am going to keep facepalming when you do and laugh my ass off when you get carried away with it.

~Hekate

P.S. Take your cousin's advice and pull up your damned pants. You do, in fact, look like a fucking idiot.