Hekate's Crazy Fan

It was only a matter of time, Minions. And here I thought no one read my blog except a select few, and maybe a few misguided clicks. I, Hekate Jahi, have received my first "Crazy Fan". And not just your round of the mill crazy. I'm talking "There's a reason I stay anonymous and this is it" cray cray. Shall I tell you what was said?

WARNING! THE FOLLOWING IS EXPLICIT AND DISTURBING. DO NOT READ IF YOU HAVE A WEAK CONSTITUTION!

Hekate, I am falling in love with you. You are EVERYTHING I want and need. You make my heart skip a beat when I read your words. Please don't deny me, you know you want me too. I can feel it! It's like you write for me and only me. You understand me like no other. 

-SHIT GETS INSANE NOW-

I want to put a funnel in your pussy, make you cum over and over. I want to bottle your sweet Heaven honey and drink it throughout the day. I would even use your juices on my salad as a dressing. I need you, and I know you need me too!! I masturbate to your words each and every night and day!! I want to worship at the temple that is Hekate's pussy! Take me to church every night!! Don't deny me your words and beauty!! I would die without you!!

Orion

Are you all done puking? I'm not...

Well, Orion, what can I say? I guess thank you for reading my blog? I'm glad you like, nay, love it? No, that's not right. Give me a minute to think of what I really want to say. I'm still dry heaving from the "juices on my salad" bit.

Dude, you've got some serious fucking issues! You are BEYOND bat shit crazy. You need to check yourself into the nearest metal hospital and have all sharp objects hidden from you. Thanks for thinking I'm beautiful, but you do realize that the picture here isn't me? Obviously not, you're too busy eating paste and jacking off to my blog. Wow. That thought made me vomit in my mouth...

Seriously, WTF is wrong with you?!? I'm too disturbed to even think of some smart ass shit to say. Thanks, you sick twisted fucktard. You have made the infamous Hekate speechless in a bad way. It's because of people like you that I stay anonymous and don't divulge my location or even hint at where I might be. I don't need some Private Pyle looking mother fucker showing up at my door, zip tying my hands and ankle together, duct taping my mouth, and placing funnels in any part of me trying to harvest any type of fluid. Damn! You're more twisted than anyone I have EVER known. Good job, shit stick.

I'm going to go scrub myself with bleach now and try to feel clean again.

~Hekate

FINALLY!

I can now post from my iPad again! About fucking time, google.

So, a quick fill in of events taken place in the Goth home:

Xic is still waiting to hear from his dream job. It seems when you want people to hurry the fuck up they slow down even more. In the meantime he's been working crazy hours and shifts. Who the Hell schedules someone with two-year-olds running around their house for graveyard shifts every week? Seriously? The money's great but the hours suck ass.

Nyx and Nox have been reminding me several times a day that the "Terrible Twos" are here. HELP! Between the tantrums, meltdowns, hitting, pushing, stage diving practice, kicking the other off of things, and trying to be zombies (seriously, they try to chew through my skull), I'm going crazy! Someone pass me a bottle of something strong.

Mother Nature is being a whore this month. I'm either going to spontaneously combust, freeze to death, die from massive amounts of blood loss, or end up in the Psych Ward at the local hospital. I am counting down the days to Menopause! Can someone hit the fast forward button on that for me?

My mood swings are giving Xic whiplash. Hell, my mood swings make me want to punch MYSELF in the throat! But Xic isn't completely innocent either. Between his memory loss (he claims old age, I claim Man Syndrome), his own mood swings, crazy work schedule, and talking in his sleep, I don't get much sleep or time to relax. Though I do find out some interesting things from the conversations we have when he's asleep. (Word of advice: If you're a sleep talker, secrets come out. Like what you got your spouse for Christmas.)

So here I am, sitting in bed in the middle of the night when I should be sleeping, freezing my ass off (though that may not be a bad thing) while sweating, wishing I could just fucking sleep, writing this post, waiting for the weekend to be over with so I can make yet another pointless doctors appointment, and waiting for Xic to get home so I can sleep next to him for all of two hours, get up, make breakfast for the kids, and start my daily routine. I need a vacation!

On a good note, we did find a babysitter willing to watch the demon twins! Let's see how long that lasts..

~Hekate

You Messed With the Wrong Gamer, Dude.

Hello again, Minions. I know I've been lacking in the blogging area as well as my Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram posts. What can I say, life is crazy sometimes. And when you have demon twins that tag team the tantrums during the terrible twos you end up most days wondering "Where the Hell is the Tequila?"

One of the few things that I do is game. I'm one of the gamers that plays a wide variety genres. I play table top RPGs, MMORPGs, card based games, mind benders, dance, pretty much anything. I play apps on my iPhone and iPad as well. This post is about one of those apps and a guy who just doesn't understand you don't mess with Hekate and her games.

The app: Rage of Bahamut
Game type: Card based battle/Fantasy

In RoB we have events called Holy Wars. You battle other orders in the effort to rank highest in the world to get the uber cards. The way it works is one member will declare war and the search is on for an order that is similar in size as yours. Common sense dictates that you make sure other order members are online and ready for battle before you declare war. You ask on the forum, KiK, Palringo, Line, Text, or whatever method you choose to make contact with as many members as you can. But there's always that one person who doesn't think.

Mobage account Godzrule76 Remember that screen name, for that is the one fucktard who wrecks havoc by being blissfully ignorant. This guy joins the order I'm in the day the Holy Wars started. No big deal, right? WRONG! This kid declares war, no big deal, except no one was on to fight. We lose. He declares another, hits one person one time, no one else is on, we lose. Declares another, hits once, a few people are on, we win by a few points. This kid declared every single war yesterday and all but one so far today, hit once or twice when he did fight, and never once paid any attention to the forum wall or his own news feed of us, including yours truly, saying "Knock that shit off, douchewaffle!" Okay, so we can't say that in the game because it gets censored, but you can bet your sweet ass I was thinking it and typed it a few times before I settled on calling him a jerkoff.

Now this kid (face it, anyone younger than me is a kid) messaged the order leader in Facebook apologizing and pleading that he just "didn't know how Holy Wars work", so I won't blast his real name and Facebook profile. This time. Yeah, I must be getting old. I'm going soft. Damn it.

So to close this post, I'm going to say everything I was thinking and wanted to say to him in game:

Godzrule76, What the fuck is your problem, dickweed? What gives you the right to declare war after war after war and not do a damn thing, fucker? Seriously?! And only because you see now that we're pissed off do you try to kiss ass and apologize? The fuck, asshole? Do you ever fucking sleep? Cheese and rice! As soon as one war ends you declare another! What the Hell is wrong with you? OMFG If I could reach you, I'd fucking throttle you while Xic or the order leader sold tickets for people to watch! (Hey, gotta make money somehow). Think a chick can't hit? Ask Xic. I don't do that scratching, hair pulling thing bitches do. Hell no! I'm a curb stop your ass, if you have hair I use it to slam your face and head on the ground only to pull you back up to punch you and repeat kind of chick! I take my games seriously, and I'm competitive as fuck! I want to win, and your leeching ass is just dragging me down! Now either back the fuck off or man the fuck up and fight with us instead of making us lose, asshole!

~Hekate

Dear Apartment Complex:

I am writing this blog/letter/complaint to you and for everyone who has to deal with places like you.

Let's be honest here, the only reason Xic and I decided to move into your place was because all of our other options were either craptacular places or in banjo picking territory. We signed the lease and have followed all the rules to date. We told you when we moved in that we had two cars, you said "No problem. If your garage is full, like most people here, you can park one car in front of the garage and the other in one of the spots on the side." Awesome! No big deal. And then my car crapped out. So Xic and I moved it to the street to open a spot for someone else. We didn't park in that spot for months. One neighbor thought I actually left Xic and took the kids with me. That's how long that spot was open. No one parked there. EVER.

Last month Xic bought me a new car for Christmas. We came back home on December 21st with two cars. I parked in front of the garage and Xic parked in the other spot that no one used. Made more since since he works and leaves almost every day. Guess what happens when he leaves? No one parks in that spot.

You and all your employees drive by here often. You see we're always on the move. So why did you feel the need to leave a note on our door this morning before your office even opened saying we are contributing to the parking problem at our building? Someone fucking complained and I know just what pussy ass, coward bitch said shit too. The middle aged hermit, dried up bitch on the ground floor. We're the only people with two cars, so I know it was directed toward us. Why write a fucking letter? Why not just, oh I don't know, ASK us. Xic works the graveyard shift this week and next but I am always home. You have our number, you could have called and told us that someone was complaining, though I don't know why. What, is she expecting and over sized dildo to be delivered? Because I know for a fact that old smokey back there doesn't get any fucking visitors. Troll face couldn't pay people to visit her! Even Hell Hound runs when he sees her! The fucking community cat wouldn't even go near her and hissed at her when she looked at him! The fuck does that tell you?

I am so fucking glad that we found a new place to move to and can't wait for our lease to be up! Sure we'd have to pay $50 more a month for rent, but we'd get an extra bedroom, more square feet, a patio/balcony, storage room, they have three pools, a hot tub, a tanning bed, fitness center, theater, a playground, and on site movie rental. You don't even have a pool. All you have is... Wait, I know this... OH! A water hose you call a car wash. Gee, I'm so going to miss living here. 

I will come back to visit one of my neighbors, though. That will be the only thing I actually miss.

~Hekate

P.S. Have fun with the carpet in Nyx and Nox's room. When they were sick, they puked and shit on the carpet. LMAO Then there's always the door they tore down. >=D

Holidays and Hekate

Oh Minions, I'm sure by now everyone has been wondering what has become of your beloved Goth Mom over the holidays. Well, you're in luck. I'm about to spin a story for you that will have you saying, "Maybe my family isn't that bad after all!"

Let's start with Thanksgiving. Well, we traveled 5 1/2 hours a few days before to visit family since Xic had to work on Thanksgiving. If Nyx wasn't crying, Nox was. When they finally fell asleep we had to wake them up to eat lunch. Never, I repeat, NEVER wake a sleeping toddler Well, unless you want to deal with screaming and crying for 3 hours. We make it to our destination and what followed was semi fun and frustrating as fuck. I visited with my aunt I hadn't seen in 23 years. That as the fun part. Me being the big kid I am, I sat in her lap and she rocked me like she use to when I was a kid. Stop laughing fuckers! I'm still a bad ass, my aunt is just that fucking awesome. We drive back home and I have to make Thanksgiving dinner while Xic is working. I'll say this: My Hekate Original Brine fucking rocks. Best. Turkey. EVER.

Fast forward to December. Christmas is usually a fun time. Usually. The week before Christmas I almost got taken out by some bad cheese. Sounds lame, right? Yeah, keep reading... I have allergies. Mushrooms, tree nuts, Penicillin, stuff like that. So why was I almost taken out by cheese? It was in the beginning stages of mold. What is mold but home grown Penicillin. Why did I eat moldy cheese? Funny thing you ask. It didn't look molded, didn't smell moldy, and it didn't taste like it either. It was in the very early stage of it. Me being the sensitive one, I broke out in hives and started having trouble breathing. So 40 minutes and an ambulance ride later I was given EpiPens and told to stop taking my seizure meds because it could make it worse. Awesome.

Later that day Nyx tossed her cookies. Twice. I thought it was just stress of the EMTs being there, turns out my little table licker got sick from licking a table at the pizza place we went to the day before. Luckily it lasted a day. Bad news is she gave it to Nox. Nox was worse. Nyx slept most of the time she was sick and wanted to be held. Nox, not so much. She stayed awake for 24 hours and went into rage mode. She didn't want to be touched, held, comforted, or be left alone. After 24 hours, she crashed and crashed hard. She was feeling better the next day. Me, not so much. I got sick around the same time as Nox, but mine lasted 2-3 days. I don't really remember too much except it was the first time in a long time that I drank just water. If you know me, you know I don't drink plain water. But all was well after a few days and everyone is back to our normal.

So now it's a new year, Nyx and Nox are 2, Verin is turning 10, and I've got a birthday coming up soon. All I want is to get my hair dyed black with red streaks again. That's it. Yeah, I'm simple. Plus Xic got me a new tattoo and a new car for Christmas so what else could I possibly want or need? Okay, a Zombie Themed birthday party would be nice too... Mmm... BRAINS!

~Hekate

DEF-CON 4 Epic

Yesterday produced such a wonderful topic to rant about, Minions. So I had to take time out of the busy holiday season to post this rant for your entertainment and to keep me from giving some douchewaffle who needs to put on their big boy pants and grow a fucking pair a subdural hematoma.

Xic works a security detail and a federal building where we live. He's 6'3 (or 6'4" depending on who measures him) and has arms bigger than my head. He was a military cop so I get he can be intimidating to some, but someone in the building he works at reported him. FOR DOING HIS FUCKING JOB. As if reporting him wasn't enough, the shit went DEF-CON 4 Epic. So what happened? Keep reading, I can't even begin to make this shit up...

Xic does his normal duties for security detail. Checks bags, runs the X-ray machine, patrols floors, responds to alarms or complaints, blah, blah, fucking blah. One of the requirements post 9-11 for a majority, if not all, federal buildings is to remove your shoes, belts, everything from your pockets... No big deal when it comes to safety, right? Suck it up and blame the terrorists and people trying to carry knives and shit into the building.

If you fail to comply to the instructions, you are told to comply and more or less warned that failure to comply can result in being asked to leave the premises to being arrested depending on your fucking attitude. Again, just fucking suck that shit up and take off your damn shoes.

If you continue to bitch and moan because you don't want people to see your webbed feet and sixth toe, the guards can get gruff and tell you in not so many words you're being a douche and they can fuck your shit up if you continue being a complete ass. This is where the report comes in.

Some little bitch ass, would be man reported Xic for being too intimidating. To his friend. A Senator. Really? You tattled to a Senator? You have issues, dude. I should kick your ass for being a bitch. But that's far from the end. I said DEF-CON 4 Epic.

This Senator felt compelled to send this shit further up. How far up? THE WHITE HOUSE. Really?! Now I could understand if we lived in D.C. or something, but we don't. Far from it. Thousands of miles from it.

 So my husband gets reported all the way up to the fucking White House for being too intimidating? What kind of pansy ass, tit sucking, mommy's little bitch are you? I bet your ass broke down crying and wet yourself too. Pussy. Nyx and Nox have more balls than you and they're only 2. And GIRLS at that! Seriously, you're a waste of fucking oxygen. Cry yourself a river, build a fucking bridge, and get the fuck over it. Seriously, if I ever see you, I may punch you on principal.

~Hekate

Why I've Been MIA

Yes, Minions, you're beloved Goth Mom has taken a leave of absence for quite some time now. Why? Where do I start?

I have been sick. And tired. And sick and tired of being sick and tired. On top of that, Xic has been working crazy fucking schedules that have us all running around wondering when the fuck things will slow down, if ever. Plus add on the holidays that are here and you have craziness in itself. Add to that demon twins that have entered the oh-so-loved terrible twos. Sprinkle on a bit of family drama and you have a glimpse of my life right now. Fun, right? It gets better...

We're still waiting for the call about Xic's dream job, dealing with "You have insurance. You don't. You do.", doctors still insisting my back problem is still just my leg ,whom I have not gone back to seen since the whole torture session was set up, didn't have that done either, trying to find a dentist that will actually take our insurance and see the demon twins, and dealing with Nox either not adjusting to Xic's schedule and wants more time with him or is now afraid of the dark, and we have a ghost in our house. Seriously. Not making this shit up here. And it may be more than one.

What makes me think we have a ghost? Xic went to open the bedroom door for the twins when he hear, clear as day, "Daddy, let me out!" For those who know the twins, they don't talk that clearly yet. They still babble in their demonic twin speak language that sometimes gives us all chills. Also, things have gone missing and reappear right where it should have been and we just looked. Like what? Keys, wallets, coats, and food. Sloppy Joes and chili cheese dogs leave a trace if someone takes them off your plate. And when you're the only one in the house that can reach the counter and it goes missing and then is right back where it was (right next to the stove, not hard to just miss), shit's going on! One also grabbed my foot the other night and turned it ice cold. It was at least 75 in our room and I was under a heated blanket.

To top it all off, I'm still pissed off that I can't post a blog from my iPad! Fix it, people! I don't feel like lugging my heavy ass laptop with me to visit family and friends! And no, I refuse to get a new light weight laptop. I love my Alienware. I'm a gamer and it meets or exceeds my needs.

~Hekate