Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Oi! I'm Still Here!

Yeah, so I've been MIA for a while. Stop bitching, I'm here now with a new post for you all, Minions. My twitching face and clinched fists have calmed down since this event happened, but I'm still writing about it because it happens all too often and it needs to stop.

My dad was in town this weekend... What? Shocked I have a dad? Get the fuck over it and let me get on with my EPIC story!... As I was saying, we all went to watch Verin's Karate tournament on Saturday. On our way home, I'm driving and encounter a Level 80 Fucktard and a Level 80 Douchwaffle at the same time.

You see, Minions, the city we live in has a highway that turns into a regular street. It ends in our city. So you go from a 60 MPH zone to 35 MPH zone in a matter of feet. Awesome, right? Yeah, it gets better. See, at the end of said highway is a light. I'm lucky enough to always catch it when it's green. This day was no different. After that light is another light. My lucky day, it's green too. Awesome! Because at this point, Nyx and Nox are in full on DEF-CON 4 EPIC MELTDOWN. So what happens next pissed me 50 shades the fuck off.

Fucktard is in one car (A Cadillac at that) and Douchwaffle is in another (yet another Cadillac). They roll their tinted (and I mean damn near illegal tinted) windows down, slow to a fucking crawl at 15-20 MPH, and start talking to each other. There's a line of cars at least 20 deep behind me and the guy next to me and we're all blaring our fucking horns at this point. After what seemed like 5 minutes Douchwaffle changes lanes and I speed up and pass him. He then proceeds to try to pull up beside me, and I can't help but think he may try to start some shit with my kids in the car. At this point I'm running every scenario in my head: He'll pull a gun and start shooting. He'll jump out with his boys and try to kick our asses (Good luck buddy. Xic and I would destroy you within seconds while Nyx and Nox devour your entrails). Anyway, he ends up not catching up and turns before we have to. Crisis averted. 

But my post doesn't end like this. That wouldn't be fun, now would it? Here comes the Hekate Rage Rant you all have been missing:

Hey asswipes! Yeah, all you wannabe "Gangsta" pussy asses out there. If you're going to try to score or sell drug, do like all the other "Gangsta's" do and buy 20 different fucking cell phones and STOP BLOCKING MY WAY HOME! I sweat to fucking all that is holy and unholy that the next time I see one of you douchewaffling, ass-munching  fucking asshole surfers slowing down and talking to another fucking car while I'm trying to get somewhere I will rear end you at full fucking force so long as my kids aren't with me. Just because you have to support you 20 different baby mama's and the 35 fucking kids you have doesn't give you the right to block the road, fucker. Oh, and pull up your damn pants, "playa". Maybe if you could run without having to grab your pants every two fucking steps or have them fall and you trip you wouldn't get busted by the cops as often. And the next time you try to pull up beside me while I'm driving, it better be to apologize. Otherwise I may run your ass of the fucking road or have to kick your ass. How sad would that be to have all your boys see you get a baseball bat shoved up your poop shoot by a 5'0" goth chick? Come to think of it... Go ahead and do it. Maybe I could get famous on YouTube and call the video "Now THAT'S Gangsta".