Tuesday, December 11, 2012

DEF-CON 4 Epic

Yesterday produced such a wonderful topic to rant about, Minions. So I had to take time out of the busy holiday season to post this rant for your entertainment and to keep me from giving some douchewaffle who needs to put on their big boy pants and grow a fucking pair a subdural hematoma.

Xic works a security detail and a federal building where we live. He's 6'3 (or 6'4" depending on who measures him) and has arms bigger than my head. He was a military cop so I get he can be intimidating to some, but someone in the building he works at reported him. FOR DOING HIS FUCKING JOB. As if reporting him wasn't enough, the shit went DEF-CON 4 Epic. So what happened? Keep reading, I can't even begin to make this shit up...

Xic does his normal duties for security detail. Checks bags, runs the X-ray machine, patrols floors, responds to alarms or complaints, blah, blah, fucking blah. One of the requirements post 9-11 for a majority, if not all, federal buildings is to remove your shoes, belts, everything from your pockets... No big deal when it comes to safety, right? Suck it up and blame the terrorists and people trying to carry knives and shit into the building.

If you fail to comply to the instructions, you are told to comply and more or less warned that failure to comply can result in being asked to leave the premises to being arrested depending on your fucking attitude. Again, just fucking suck that shit up and take off your damn shoes.

If you continue to bitch and moan because you don't want people to see your webbed feet and sixth toe, the guards can get gruff and tell you in not so many words you're being a douche and they can fuck your shit up if you continue being a complete ass. This is where the report comes in.

Some little bitch ass, would be man reported Xic for being too intimidating. To his friend. A Senator. Really? You tattled to a Senator? You have issues, dude. I should kick your ass for being a bitch. But that's far from the end. I said DEF-CON 4 Epic.

This Senator felt compelled to send this shit further up. How far up? THE WHITE HOUSE. Really?! Now I could understand if we lived in D.C. or something, but we don't. Far from it. Thousands of miles from it.

 So my husband gets reported all the way up to the fucking White House for being too intimidating? What kind of pansy ass, tit sucking, mommy's little bitch are you? I bet your ass broke down crying and wet yourself too. Pussy. Nyx and Nox have more balls than you and they're only 2. And GIRLS at that! Seriously, you're a waste of fucking oxygen. Cry yourself a river, build a fucking bridge, and get the fuck over it. Seriously, if I ever see you, I may punch you on principal.


Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Why I've Been MIA

Yes, Minions, you're beloved Goth Mom has taken a leave of absence for quite some time now. Why? Where do I start?

I have been sick. And tired. And sick and tired of being sick and tired. On top of that, Xic has been working crazy fucking schedules that have us all running around wondering when the fuck things will slow down, if ever. Plus add on the holidays that are here and you have craziness in itself. Add to that demon twins that have entered the oh-so-loved terrible twos. Sprinkle on a bit of family drama and you have a glimpse of my life right now. Fun, right? It gets better...

We're still waiting for the call about Xic's dream job, dealing with "You have insurance. You don't. You do.", doctors still insisting my back problem is still just my leg ,whom I have not gone back to seen since the whole torture session was set up, didn't have that done either, trying to find a dentist that will actually take our insurance and see the demon twins, and dealing with Nox either not adjusting to Xic's schedule and wants more time with him or is now afraid of the dark, and we have a ghost in our house. Seriously. Not making this shit up here. And it may be more than one.

What makes me think we have a ghost? Xic went to open the bedroom door for the twins when he hear, clear as day, "Daddy, let me out!" For those who know the twins, they don't talk that clearly yet. They still babble in their demonic twin speak language that sometimes gives us all chills. Also, things have gone missing and reappear right where it should have been and we just looked. Like what? Keys, wallets, coats, and food. Sloppy Joes and chili cheese dogs leave a trace if someone takes them off your plate. And when you're the only one in the house that can reach the counter and it goes missing and then is right back where it was (right next to the stove, not hard to just miss), shit's going on! One also grabbed my foot the other night and turned it ice cold. It was at least 75 in our room and I was under a heated blanket.

To top it all off, I'm still pissed off that I can't post a blog from my iPad! Fix it, people! I don't feel like lugging my heavy ass laptop with me to visit family and friends! And no, I refuse to get a new light weight laptop. I love my Alienware. I'm a gamer and it meets or exceeds my needs.


Monday, November 5, 2012

The Fuck?!

Rant time, Minions. Hope you're ready for this!

Xic is in the reserves. He used to be active duty but since got out and plays weekend warrior. Now the military has exercises to keep them sharp. No big deal, right? Well it wasn't until what I heard last night. OPSEC be damned:

Military use to hold live fire exercises (real ammo shot during these training periods) until the 80's. why did they stop? Because too many people were getting killed. Seriously, our guys were shooting live ammo at targets yet hitting their own guys. So since then, 30 years ago, they haven't had live ammo exercises.

Our guys go overseas and get shot at by the other side every day. Some are lucky enough to not have to go on tours or get cushy jobs over there. Or guys have firing to keep them efficient with their weapons. They hold exercises at random times and treat it as a real world experience complete with casualties (special effect make-up used here).

So what has me worked up today? Well, I get notified by Xic that now they're bringing back live fire exercises! The fuck, guys? Seriously, our guys getting shot at on foreign soil isn't enough? Now you want to bring back the type of exercise that has our guys shooting live ammo? You're trusting some of these punk wannabe Rambo weekend warriors to not shoot their buddies? What the fuck happens if one freaks out and sprays all over the fucking place? "Collateral damage"? What the fuck do you tell the wives, husbands, kids, parents of the ones who get shot? Your (fill in the blank) was shot during a training exercise this weekend. Friendly fucking fire right here in the states. You want them to train and make sure they're hitting the right target, give them paint balls first! Those fuckers hurt and you know if you're on target.

"They were protective gear, ma'am. There are measures in place to make sure..." Blah blah fucking blah. BULLSHIT! That helmet you give them doesn't stop a stray fucking bullet. Got anything to protect their necks? Didn't think so.

I know our guys get shot every day in war zones. I know our police force get fired upon every day. Why the fuck should we risk our guys getting shot because you think they need more practice? Guess what I think will happen... People will die because some fuck up wannabe hero will start showing off and shit will happen and you'll have to stop the live fire again after getting yelled at by a bunch of pissed off spouses and parents. On top of that, you'll be losing a shit ton of people due to PTSD and lower enlistments than normal.

Have fun with that, guys. I just hope Xic gets his Sleep Apnea claim approved since the fucker likes to quit breathing 34 times a damn night on average. Seriously, he had a sleep study done and they're putting him on an APAP machine for "Severe Sleep Apnea". So now not only do I have to worry and lose sleep because he stops breathing every fucking night, I now have to worry about some dip shit, snot nosed noob shooting him over the fucking weekend at training. Awesome. My solid 2 hours of sleep will become a good 30 minutes now. Fuckers.


P.S. I hate that I can't post shit from my iPad anymore and copying form my email forces me to highlight and change the text. 

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

Lunch at the Mall...

Going to the mall for lunch on a rainy day is a treat for us. The kids can play inside at the play area they have, thus tiring them out and making for easy bedtime. Normally our lunch dates are uneventful. Today was different. Come with me on this "I'm going to spork someone's eyes out" journey...

Xic is hot. Really, REALLY hot. He's also my polar opposite. He's the normal guy and I'm, well... Goth. Now I know my husband is eye candy, but there's a point where it becomes too much. Case in point: Bleach Blonde Bitch with Less than A Tits and a Kid on the Hip.

Now Bleachy was checking Xic out. Hard core. It was so bad that he noticed it. That's saying something. Xic doesn't notice when chick are eyeing him up like he's some Greek God they must claim as their own. I notice, though. All the fucking time. Bleachy wasn't even trying to hide it.

Now a guy spending time with his kids is sexy in itself. Watching a hot guy feeding his kids from his plate of Chinese food is probably sensory overload. When said kids happen to be twin girls who are playing the "I'm cute and I know it" card on daddy, hearts melt and panties get wet. I should know. I was sitting across from Xic as this was going on. Which is what made me get somewhat twitchy faced as Bleachy eyed him up and down like she wanted to play the MILF card on my DILF.

He's a clue, Bleachy: If the guy you're eyeing up and down like he's an all you can eat buffet and he cringes without even looking up at you, you're giving off that creepy, Fatal Attraction vibe. and should just move on.

Now when the guy you're eyeing up is also sitting across from a woman who isn't his mother, doesn't look like his sister, and the kids he's feeding look like a mix of DILF and her, chances are it's his wife or girlfriend. He's another clue to look for: WEDDING RINGS. His was easy to spot since he eats left handed and mine isn't exactly small. Just sayin'.

Now if that wasn't enough to put me in an eye sporking mood what happened next was serious "Twitchy Face, Clinched Fists" worthy...

Bleachy moves on just as I asked Xic if I should spork her eyes out and then comes loads of stares and cringing faces. Apparently people in our town haven't seen a Goth before. Or maybe they're use to seeing Goths with "Their own kind". Then again, they may have thought I was going to eat Nyx and Nox... Either way, it came to me saying "Take a fucking picture, it lasts longer. Oh, I'm sorry, does my look offend you? Then don't fucking look at me, bitch!"

Older people I can forgive because they wonder what's wrong with the youth, but when the older people are saying to us "Oh, what cute babies. You two make such beautiful kids" and the younger crowd is making faces when they look at me makes my blood boil and I lose my cool.

I'm use to stares and whispers. I've dealt with it since I was a kid. It doesn't bother me. What bothers the fuck out of me is when you face a disgusted face at me for the way I'm dressed and my black lipstick when your ass looks like they rolled out of the fucking gutter after taking a facial from no less than 20 fucking guys and smell like 3 week old ass and sweat. Then you have the nerve to tell your 50 rolled friend with the Doritos crumbs on their face and the, what I can only assume, grease stain on their shirt that you "Can't believe she walks around like that and he let's her". Seriously, Cum Dumpster? So yeah, of course I'm going to tell you, in a not so polite voice, to shut your fucking mouth and keep walking before I spork a bitch. Next time you want to say something about the way someone is dressed, look in the fucking mirror and make sure to wipe the cum off your face. Oh, and tell your friend to stop wearing mid drift shirts. I had fucking nightmares last night.


Friday, October 19, 2012

Someone Needs an Ass Kicking...

Right now, Minions, I'm in a very pissed off mood and this could go one of two ways for you:

  1. This chick is funny as FUCK!
  2. Oh damn, I think she's talking about me!

There may be a point where you fit into both. Now, without any further fucking ado, I give you today's post.

I. FUCKING. HATE. CHEATERS. Plain and simple. Any form of cheater. The worst? Relationship cheaters. The douche/twat who just can't be fucking happy with the one person they have so they have more. More flirting, more sex, more what-the-fuck-ever it is they think they need. I've had to deal with cheaters before. More than once. How do I deal? Usually revenge.

Take one of my ex's, Gay-vy. Seemed like a good enough guy. We got "married" (turns out it wasn't legal because some paperwork was misfiled) and after a few months, I found out I was pregnant. I drove home to tell my "husband" the good news to find him in bed with... *pause for dramatic effect*... Another guy. Yep. Home skillet was gay and faked it with me. Not sure if I should think I was that good or if I'm manish... Anyway, after the fight and shit that happened after I found out, I took his credit card, bank card, and the car. I drove and got my tongue pierced, bought a shit ton of new goth clothes since eh destroyed all of my old ones, and fucked his car up hard core. I then drove back and tossed him the keys and took what money he had left and hopped on the train to The Oracle's in sunny SoCal. Next thing I hear, Deep Throater was driving when the engine started acting up (odd?) and a tire blew out (new tires, odd again?) and he flipped his car. Oh, the kicker... He was in the hospital getting his... Member... stitched up because his boyfriend bit him during the rollover. Just say NO to road head.

Then there was Constant Flirt. No matter what, this one had to flirt with every fucking bitch with a pussy. I swear. Shit became too much so I started flirting too. Only, I flirted with everyone. Guy, girls, it didn't matter. He flipped the fuck out and left because it was too much for him to handle. Watching the girl he wanted to marry flirt with everyone with no regard for his feelings. Boo fucking hoo. Zero fucks were given when he left.

Then there was Lilith (not her real name). I thought she was perfect. She was the first real person I knew. No games with her. Or so I thought. I was wrong. Bitch was running game for days! She was with a different guy every time I was on a shoot (I was a model and actress back in the day) and a different chick when I was working in The Haunted Hotel. So what did I do? Put hot sauce on her vibe. She wanted to be Miss Hot Crotch, fine. I'd help her along. Childish, yes. But funny as fuck when I saw her the week after I left. She couldn't figure out why she had blisters and burns. (Hint: Soak that fucker for a few days if it's silicone or something that is absorbent.)

The worst thing ever is someone who thinks about cheating, plans on cheating, cheats, and fucking talks in their damn sleep about the fucking shit! Cheese and fucking rice! It's bad enough that you have/are doing the deed, but I don't need to fucking here about it in detail when you're sleeping! I have seriously thought of severing vocal cords. Same goes wen you flirt knowing that shit is wrong and you fucking call me their name as you cuddle into me. I should have fucking beat your ass with a bat then and there, fucker. But I didn't. No, what I did was worse. I let Karma deal with your ass. Then when shit happened again, I didn't do anything again because Crazy Bitch did it herself. Repeatedly. For months. Then there was the sexting that I was forwarded as well (all of this happened within a few months) from another source. Fucking really? When the fuck were you going to learn? My guess, NEVER. Shit just kept fucking happening. Then one day... It stopped. Just like that. It was a "What the fuck just happened?" moment. I forgave shit that normally would have had me walking after inflicting horrible pain and torture on you. Forgave, never forgotten. Shit still hurts to this day.

So, for all you fuckers out there who think you won't get caught, you're too slick and have far too much game: WRONG, ASSHOLES! Shit always gets found out. Someway or another. If you're a sleep talker, you might as well just fess up to every thought you ever had. Seriously, because someone might start hitting you with random objects on night. Or you end up on the six o'clock news when your body is found several miles down a river bank. Just sayin'.


Wednesday, October 17, 2012


No, I'm not talking about me being anonymous. I have my reason for hiding behind my pen name: To protect my kids. No, no. This post is about the hacking group Anonymous. Say what you want about the group of hacktivists, but after the video and info I saw on YouTube (now removed) I FUCKING LOVE THEM!

If you don't know the story of Amanda Todd, it's one of torment, extortion, bullying, and ultimately resulted in her death.

She's not the first person to be bullied to death and sadly I know she won't be the last. I take this topic very seriously as I myself was bullied and extorted by people when I was younger. I tried to kill myself the justice system failed me, but luckily I had a true friend to save me from myself. But that's another story entirely.

Amanda lost her "friends" and respect of her peers all because some fucktard decided they wanted to get their rocks off and exploit her. I use the term "friends" lightly because true friends wouldn't turn their back on you or do the things these immature assholes did. That info will come later...

Now, as for the person(s) involved in the release of her picture: These type of people are the lowest forms of life among us. They have such pathetic, insignificant lives that they need to manipulate anyone they can. Sadly, it's our youth that is the easiest to target. Now, thanks to Anonymous, they release the identity of one of these sleazebags (and another I believe, but I don't have that info right now). I don't care if people say "Oh, this does more harm than good." I say BULL SHIT! This is the best thing EVER! Why? Because if he's responsible, even if he's just a second or third in command, this guy is now exposed for what he is: A Pedophile! He's a sick fuck. Thank you, Anonymous, for releasing his info. And if I lived closer, I might just kick down this fuckers door and beat the fuck out of him, take pictures, and plaster them all over the interwebs for all to see a bruised, bloody, pathetic, waste of oxygen have his ass kicked by a survivor of this shit.

Now, as for the "friends" who turned their backs on Amanda when she needed them the most: You're no fucking better! How dare you claim to be a friend and then post and tag her in pictures of the shit you did! If you all were my kids, I'd fuck you up. Your asses would be drinking your fucking meals through a straw for the rest of your life if I let you fucking live. You deserve to be punished just as harshly for causing her death. Her death may be ruled a suicide, but believe me when I say that you and her tormentors killed her! It's murder in my eyes, you little bastards! I hope the though haunts you for the rest of your existence. I hope you are labeled as a bully and a killer. I hope you're exposed during the investigation, people learn your true nature, and charges are brought against you.

Now before you all get preachy on me and send me nasty emails about how I'm being mean and shouldn't wish ill on these "misguided" kids and the persons behind the leaking of Amanda's photo let me remind you: MY BLOG, MY OPINION, AND I DON'T GIVE A FUCK. Are we clear? Think how you would feel if it were your child being extorted. Maybe even yourself. You would want retribution, correct? In any form you could get, right? Yeah, so shut the fuck up with your "Two wrongs don't make a right" bull shit and jump on the vent wagon with me.


Saturday, October 13, 2012

Hekate? With a Purse?

If you haven't read my previous post Shout Out to an Awesome Crafter, I'm going to fill you in one this person here.

Okay, she makes purses out of... Ready? Duct Tape! Seriously. And before you start thinking "Uh, no thanks. That just sounds weird." Don't knock it yet.

Now I'm not talking about plain silver Duct Tape that you see. No, not at all. I'm talking all the prints you see. Skulls, checkerboard, plaid, dragons... This chick is good!

"But, Hekate... How do you know?"

Glad you asked that. Because yesterday I got my purse from her! Yes, Minions, your favorite Goth Mom is rocking a purse. Now I don't carry purses, I usually just have a wallet in my back pocket. Linkin Park one at that, but I digress. Yesterday I got the package I had been waiting for. My very own Dragon Clutch Purse by Em.

I just got up.

The picture doesn't do it justice. But since Xic has my preferred camera in the trunk of his car, I had to use my web cam. 

It's not heavy like you would think. It's light, soft, flexible, has a magnetic closure, mine has a gold chain, it's just fucking awesome!

If you're interested in getting one like mine, or want to check out her other projects (trust me, you do), head on over to her shop. She has a discount going on right now for 15% off until further notice. So what are you waiting for? There's something for everyone. Let her know I sent you.


P.S. Em, if you're reading this: I made a special trip to the store last night after I got it just to show it off!

Monday, October 1, 2012

There's Stereotypes, Then There's You

Yes, Annoying Neighbor Across the Lot, I am referring to you. You moved in a little over a month ago and I can't help but notice you play to EVERY FUCKING STEREOTYPE bestowed upon you and then some extra. How so? Where do I start?

First off, when you moved in you had "Ya boyz" (as you said) help unload everything at night so "The Spic Bitch across the way" wouldn't tell her million family members what you had. Nice to know you had me pegged from day one. And it's 2 million, asshole.

Second, during the day you walk around with your do rag on, pants hanging halfway off your ass, smoking a Black n Mild (I can smell it over here). If that wasn't enough into the stereotype, you then came home four days a week for three weeks with KFC. Someone's gonna have high cholesterol!

What came next was just too damn much. You drove home a few weeks ago driving a Cadillac Escalade with the bass so high our windows rattled and smoke rolling out of the windows. Really? The kicker, it smelled like burning trash. Hmm... Wonder what you were smoking?

The other night, you and "Ya Boyz" were hanging out in your garage drinking and conversing about any and every "Big booty bitch" who had the pleasure of riding your dick. Nice. And it lasted well past 1:00 am. We had to close our windows so Xic could sleep for work. 

Speaking of work. What the fuck do you do? You never leave for extended periods of time, but your wife, or girlfriend, or whatever she is does. So what is it that you do? Never mind. I don't know if I want to know.

Today was just too much that I couldn't help but laugh my ass off when drove up. You get out of your Escalade with yet another bucket of KFC (BTW I'm fucking jealous now cause I want some extra crispy), Black n Mild in your mouth, pants falling down, do rag in place. You go inside come back out and take a watermelon out of the back and a bag with three big things of Grape Kool-Aid mix (I know my Kool-Aid, don't ask).

How the fuck am I NOT suppose to think the stereotype bestowed upon you? I fucking HATE stereotypes with a passion! Everyone lumps me into several different ones: The "Spic Bitch with family out the Yin Yang and a shit ton of kids, The Drunken Indian who lives off casino money (I wish!), The Smelly Indian who eats a shit ton of curry (Uh, yuck!), The Goth Bitch who is pissed off at the world and lets everyone know it (Okay, half true), The Emo Chick who had a charmed life and cuts herself (Emo's make me sick and it's too close to Elmo), and last, but not least, The Wiccan Witch who will put a curse on you if you look at her wrong. I have too many to keep up with! 

Some I play with when I know it freaks people out, but I fucking hate being labeled. So why, Annoying Neighbor Across the Lot, why do you play into it yet get pissed off if someone brings it to your attention? Like your "Cuz" a few minutes ago? Jeez, he drives a Honda Accord and was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt that fit. So for now, while you still deny you're playing into the stereotype, I am going to keep facepalming when you do and laugh my ass off when you get carried away with it.


P.S. Take your cousin's advice and pull up your damned pants. You do, in fact, look like a fucking idiot.

Friday, September 28, 2012

Where I've Been...

Ever been in pain for more than two weeks and going on a month and it not be from an operation or recent injury? Yeah, that's been my life for the last few weeks. Remember the nerve test that was going to be done? Not any more. My insurance never cleared it so it's not happening. Thank you insurance! Seriously. I hate that fucking test.

Now on top of this pain that won't go the fuck away, I have a virus. Not sure if it's a 24 hour, 48 hour, or what right now. It just hit me this morning. Sure it did. It's only Xic's first day back at work. Why wouldn't it hit now?

The neighbors have been quiet since my last rant about them, so they're no fun to write about now. Damn them. I did find out that there is one neighbor who hasn't been scared off by me and doesn't think I'm too weird for playing "Zombie Apocalypse" with Nyx and Nox (I chase them around moaning "Braaaaaains" and proceed to chew on their heads when I catch them). How do I know she's not put off by us? Xic and I were taking the rails to the cribs down to the garage the other day and she almost cried thinking we were moving. When we explained what we were doing, she let out a sigh of relief. Guess the twins stole yet another heart.

Nyx and Nox have been obsessed with Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel movie. Nox goes all fan girl on me. She'll be standing, waiting for the movie to start. The second she hears Alvin laugh and say "We're baack!" she pulls her hands to her mouth, eyes big, smiling and holding back a squeal. Every. Single. Time. At least it's Alvin and not *vomit* Justin Bieber.

So that's about it. Nothing exciting has happened. Maybe soon Hecate will post a blog. I know she's had some interesting, crazy, fucked up shit happen to her! Poor sis. But it should be entertaining as Hell! lol


Sunday, September 23, 2012

Give Me a Fucking Break!

11 fucking days. I've been in pain for 11 mother fucking days! Nonstop. Head, neck, back, legs and arms going numb. This is beyond fucking crazy and needs to stop. NOW! And to the fucking doctor who still thinks this is just my damned leg: Kiss my ass! If you think this is still just in my leg then you're a bigger douchewaffle then I thought.

In other news, Apple released their iOS 6 update. Good? Bad? I'm mixed but leaning to HORRIBLE! Why? Because it's fucking with me! First day and here's what went down:

YouTube app that came standard with iPhone/iPod/iPad: GONE. They dropped it! Now we have to download the app Google released if we want a YouTube app. I hope you all signed in and saved your favorites and history, otherwise it's gone.

"Where in the bloody Hell are my bookmarks?" Yep, every single bookmark and favorite I had was wiped out after the update. When I started to add my bookmarks back, IT WOULDN'T LET ME! It would not save a single one. I tried everything and nothing worked. I showed Xic, who checked his devices. His were fine. I went to show him mine wouldn't work and guess what? They were all back now. Are you fucking kidding me? Thanks for the raise in blood pressure, Apple.

Normally after an update, I don't have to re-authenticate all of my games or apps. This time I did. There are passwords that I had forgotten and I had to reset them all. This is good and bad. Good because now anyone who was close to hacking some of my accounts can't and bad because now I have to log 12 different passwords (Yeah, I'm one of the few who doesn't use the same password for everything). FML. 

So, now that the feeling of wanting to throw all of my Apple devices out the fucking window and smash them to bits has passed, I'll resume use of them. But mark my words, next time I may be switching to Android!


Monday, September 17, 2012


In case you don't know, FFS is "For fuck sake!" So why, Minions, did I choose this as the title? Well, you're in luck. Things are about to get ranty up in here.

Five days. Five. Fucking. Days. I have been in the same damn pain since Thursday! Nothing is fucking helping. So what pain is this? Neck pain that shoots up to my head, mostly on the left side, and affects my arms. On top of that, yesterday it fucked my vision so bad that I relied on auto correct and keyboard memory. As if that wasn't enough, my lower back (Doc: read leg) has been feeling like I have a knife stuck in it. When I stand, my legs want to give out. When I lay down, automatic numbness and tingling from my waist down. When I walk, I'm borderline dragging my right leg. If I lay on my left side, my right side feels better, but my left side stings and feels like I have napalm running through me. If I lay on my right side, my left feels better, but now my right side screams "WTF are you doing?" If I lay on my stomach, I can't breath thanks to separated abdominal muscles that the docs refuse to fix and my back feels like it's going to break. An inversion table would be nice, but I'd probably get a nose bleed.

So, what does the doc say? Nothing, actually. He hasn't returned my calls. All I get from the nurse is do exactly what I've been doing and go to my EMG (nerve test) on the 3rd. So, in the words of Nyx and Nox, SHUT UP! YOU SUCK! And in my own words, FUCK YOU! How much Tylenol and Motrin can I possibly take before I start to sound like a pill bottle when I walk? How many fucking warm/hot showers and baths can I take before I boil myself? How many fucking ice/heat packs can I use before I get frost bite or burn myself? What other fucking options can you give me, Doc? That's what you get paid for! You get paid to fucking fix me, asshole! Instead you ignore my concerns and past medical history, order tests that have already been done and showed that my leg is not the fucking problem, and offer no suggestions on how to deal with this pain.

So it's my move. Ready for this? I will go to this fucking test, but I will no longer be seeing you. I will call when I need a refill on my seizure meds, but that's it. I will wait until we get settled in our final city before ever going back to a doctor. I will go for acupuncture and hypnotherapy to cope and find ways to live with the constant fucking pain that has made me cry like a little fucking bitch for five fucking days.



Thursday, September 13, 2012

The Return of the Twitchy Face and Clinched Fists.

As if waking up before Xic's alarm went off this morning (about 5:40 am) wasn't bad enough, shortly after 6 our lovely neighbors decided it would be a great time to play musical fucking cars. This game is played by douchewaffles and twatwaffles. The rules are simple. 

  1. Turn your craptacular music up so loud it rattles windows a mile away and makes your car vibrate harder and faster than your mom's Pocket Rocket. 
  2. Make sure your friend does the same so it's in stereo. 
  3. Go from car to car slamming the doors every five seconds making sure to wake everyone in your neighborhood up including babies and toddlers. Let's face it, parents don't need sleep, right?
  4. Make sure you rev your engine and speed off just as the last baby/toddler screams out because they were woken up far before they were ready to be.

The last part is important, because if you don't speed off, you're probably going to encounter a very pissed off mom or dad that may or may not slam your head into the window of your car, punch you in the fucking throat, slam your head in the door two or 20 times, and proceed to bitch slap you while the rest of your neighbors cheer them on.

So heed my warning douchers everywhere. Next time think about what your doing, because you never know when a parent of a pissed off kid might repel down the side of their house ninja style and beat the shit out of you and then vanish just as quick.

Now I have to deal with two very pissed off toddlers who could not go back to sleep and won't nap until around 11 (if I'm lucky). All vocalization of what they want has gone from short words and signs to screams, grunts, and whines. No amount of toys, music, or hugs make this any better, so I will follow suit and throw an all out hissy fucking fit with them until nap time.

Again, thank you neighbors. And remember, payback's a bitch. 


Wednesday, September 12, 2012

The Date is Set...

3 OCT 2012 at 3:00 pm I will undergo one of the most torturous tests in the medical world. An EMG (Electormyogram/ Nerve conduction study). They will be shoving a fucking needle into my muscles and near nerves and shocking them with electricity to check for any abnormalities. Sounds fun, right? Yeah, real fucking fun. I had one of these done back in 2007 and the damn thing made me twitch and have seizures for the rest of the fucking day. 

So why am I having another one done? Because Dr. Fucker decided to order one and if I don't get it done, he can (and probably would) drop me as a patient. Why do I care? Because I need my seizure meds and there are no other doctors in our area right now accepting new patients. Great. Fuck my luck.

"But Hekate, I thought you were a bad ass who didn't care?" I don't care about fucking idiots and what they think. However when it comes to shoving damned needles repeatedly into my leg and shocking the fuck out of the muscles and nerves I care. I have to take care of my Gothlings and I can't do that very fucking well when Xic is at work and I'm twitching like a motherfucking addict or seizing, now can I? But do these fucking doctors give two shits? No. "Why not schedule it for when Xic is off?" You fuckers think I didn't think of that? The problem is the first available appointment is on a day he works and the one I scheduled for is unknown because they haven't made it that far ahead yet. "Why not get help from family or friends?" Uh, maybe because most of my family lives 5 hours away and wouldn't even visit unless I paid them and I have no friends in the area and don't care for most of the people here anyway. On top of that, I don't think these so-called normal people here could handle Nyx and Nox in full on zombie mode.

So I'm fucking stuck with getting stabbed and shocked. Again. Fuck. My. Luck.

I need a new doctor and just start from scratch. If we get the town we're hoping for, I may just do that. 


Monday, September 10, 2012

Someone Needs a Punch in the Nuts...

Minions, if you follow sports (or read front page news on Yahoo!) you know about the guy who ganked the baseball from two kids. I'm a little late on writing about this, but here it goes:

To the dick who likes to steal from kids: GROW THE FUCK UP! This goes for any person over the age of 12 at a sports event who Cock Blocks kids. You all deserve a punch in the fucking nuts. I hope the next fucking kid you do this too is one of mine, because I will yell out for them to do exactly that. And I hope it's Nyx and Nox who do it. You all deserve a fucking double nut punch. Oh, and if it is one or more of my kids, believe me, after they punch you, I will too. All while simultaneously stomping your fucking head on the stairs. What the fuck are you "grown" ass people doing? Unless you're helping your kid(s), STEP THE FUCK BACK! If you are helping your kids that are too young to catch a ball on their own, your ass better be right behind them or holding them. Only a fucking douchewaffle, cock blocking, mother fucking, insecure little prick would steal from a kid. What's the matter? Didn't you get a ball when you were a kid? No? Daddy wouldn't take you to a game? TOO FUCKING BAD! Go buy a fucking ball and get the fuck over it. If I were the guy sitting behind you as you took that ball, I would have shoved your ass over the fucking wall! You, troll faced mother fucker, are a waste of fucking oxygen.

To the parents of kids: Seriously, teach them to nut punch a fucker who does this. Let them serve as a lesson, steal from kids, get punched in the sack. And hope it get's broadcast on T.V. so others can see it! If not, YouTube that shit! Just make sure you give me a shout out in the video.

Now I said 12 for age, but this is a give or take age. I say the absolute cut off is 13 for fighting for this shit unless there are no kids around. Then it's fair game for all. But at the first sight of a kids, your ass needs to back the fuck off and let a kid get a ball or get punched in yours.

Ah yes, Hekate is getting back to her usual self now.


Saturday, September 8, 2012


I know, I know... You all missed me. I've been leaving you wanting more, right minions? Well life took over for a bit, but I'm back. So I'll catch you up on what's been going on:

Xic had the past week off from work, so we've been geocaching almost every day. Several a day. We started a geocaching team: The Geovengers

Yeah, I made our logo. Problem? 

Fuck you if you think we're lame. I don't live for your approval. Did you forget that in my absence? 

So why this logo? Glad you asked, Minions. Each piece represents us. The shield is Xic. Mister boy scout fancies himself as Captain America. Okay, I agree with him. He's just too damn nice sometimes. The double katanas are me. I see myself like Deadpool. The Merc with the Mouth. He's bad ass and my comic crush. The M-16s with 203 grenade launchers are Nyx and Nox. Total and utter destruction! That's them. To the fucking T. We're fucking screwed when they're older. The black belt is Verin. He's all about karate right now. Working up to his black belt and, in a way, holds us all together.

So why The Geovengers? Because I thought about asking Verin what his favorite superhero group was or if he was a superhero, what would his group be called. For some reason, The Avengers came to mind. Bad ass movie, bad ass team. Then that little voice in my head added "Geo" for geocaching and BOOM! The Geovengers were born.

So besides that, Xic tested for a job on Thursday for a spot in one city and had an interview in a different city yesterday. The first one was close so it was no big deal. The second one took us all on a road trip. Out of the two, I hope he gets the second one. Seriously. It's perfect. It's a small town, there's national and state parks, trails to hike, and events that happen almost year round. I may be goth, but I love camping, hiking, and all that shit too. I'm one of those "Hybrid Goths" that does it all.

Okay, I think you're caught up. If not, I'll post again later. For now, I'm off to relax. Trust me, I'll be back to ranting about my craptacular neighbors soon enough.


Monday, September 3, 2012

The Six Videos Nyx and Nox MUST Watch

I have had to download these to my iPad so Nyx and Nox can be entertained while we're out and about. These six videos are a must before bed every night as well. Enjoy and good luck getting these out of your head for a while.

Thanks Titi (Hecate)!

Blame Xic for this!

This one is my fault... 

As well as this one...

And this one...

And this one because I LOVE Animal!


Sunday, September 2, 2012

10 Things I Hate About Walmart Pharmacy:

  1. They short me on my seizure meds. Every. Single. Time.
  2. Their "generic" brands aren't that much more affordable.
  3. They hire high school kids to play assistants.
  4. The older workers are cranky and as rude as the younger assistants.
  5. The pharmacist treats me like I'm there to score my next fix. (Hey dumb ass, I don't get high off of seizure meds.)
  6. I always get stuck behind someone with extremely toxic gas.
  7. I always get stuck in front of the mom with 5 kids that all start having insane meltdowns at the same time.
  8. There's always one weird person who stares me down until I leave.
  9. There's always one person who asks me "What are you getting today?"
  10. It's at Walmart and it's the only damn pharmacy in our area that accepts our insurance.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Can It Be Friday?

I tell you, Minions, this has been the week from Hell so far. Between doctors, Xic's commitments, and family bullshit drama, I need the fucking weekend to be here... STAT!

I didn't write too much as the drama went down because I was so infuriated with what transpired that I was close to ousting everyone involved, including myself. I need my anonymity to protect my kids, so I held off until I could formulate words without using names. If you're ready, I'll take you on a trip about this.

So on Monday, as you all know, I had my doctors appointment. And you know how that went. Well, the same day I get a message from SIL that says she's deleting everyone from her Facebook. I find out that she calls Xic out in a post about something she heard from a third party. As most people know, third party information usually stinks like any Justin Bieber song. She was informed that Xic said she and another SIL were uneducated, dependent on others, he didn't trust anyone (including me), and only trusted Xeno. She sends me a message saying she was also told that Xic, nor I, cared for her at all. I told her that I would call anyone out on that fucking statement. And I still would! As I punch them in the damn throat and cut out their tongue for lying and starting family fucking drama. I thought this was suppose to be a fairly recent conversation. It turned out it was one I had actually be present for and the information she got was fabricated on so many fucking levels.

So what was said? Did Xic really call them uneducated? No. What he said was they didn't finish high school. Does that sound the same at all? Not to me. It sounds like they didn't finish high school. Did Xic really say they were dependent on others? That's left for interpretation. He said one SIL was married and had X amount of kids before XX age for whatever reason and is supported by her husband. Okay, so she's dependent on her husband. Other SIL has kids and gets money for disabilities (though I believe he said in a somewhat joking/loving manner she was broken). So she's dependent on that check? Aren't we all dependent on some check in one form or another? Did Xic really say he only trusted Xeno? No. What he did say was out of his siblings, he does trust her the most. Why? Because she's the closest one to him. They're close in age, got in trouble together growing up, and all that happy shit. Does he doubt what he hears from his other siblings? Sometimes, yes. Why? Most of the information he gets from them is from, drum roll please.... A THIRD PARTY!

Does all of this mean we don't care for/about them? No. What does it mean? Exactly what it says. Third party information sucks and we don't believe most of it, is some form or another we're all dependent on someone to give us money and shit, and they didn't finish high school. Guess what? A lot of Americans don't finish high school. Some get their GED later in life, some are already working doing what they want and don't feel the need to continue, and some just said fuck it. Did we, at any time, label them as one or another? Not that I know of. I know I didn't. If Xic did, I don't know. What I do know is everything that he did say in the conversation in question was stuff he had already said before and it was no secret to anyone.

So all fucking week I've been looking at this from every fucking side I could and came to this conclusion:

You believe third party information, delete me from Facebook (*sniff* That really hurt), delete your own siblings as well (really?), all because a phone conversation was over heard and what wasn't actually heard was made up. Fine. No sweat off my back. But here's the fucking kicker. You ready for this? When you realize that all of this information was made up for whatever reason, be it trying to read between the line or for personal entertainment value (let's face it, some people just want to watch the world burn), and you want to call, text, or add me back to Facebook... I. Won't. Be. There. Why? Because I listened to your problems. I was an outlet for you to vent to. I was there when one, or both, of these other people pissed you off so royally that you wouldn't talk to them. I called you to check up on you when you were sick, when shit went down on your end, and let you cry to me when no one else would listen. I was fucking there for you in a way that most sisters-in-law wouldn't. Why? Because I saw you as family. No in-law on that. Just family. You said you thought you knew me better than to say I didn't care for you, yet you believed it anyway. Guess what... Fuck you, then! I won't be your fucking go to when shit goes down again. 

You think you're a force to be reckoned with when you get mad? Honey, I've been through more shit than I let you know about and I intentionally let people underestimate me. ALL. THE. FUCKING. TIME. So please, if you're feeling froggish, LEAP. Go ahead and try to blast Xic and me for what you think you know about us and our life and who you think we are. You don't really know me. Not the real me. Even Xic isn't completely sure of the destruction that I am capable of. And since I know members of your family read this, that you will in turn see this. I don't give a fuck. There is nothing you could ever do that would break me. NOTHING. So if you really want to try, feel free. I'm resourceful beyond belief. Don't believe me? Ask my Minion who sent me a message about homeboy that tried to rip her off. I got his name and everything, blasted him, and guess who shut down his operation and refunded her money?


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

Doctor! Doctor! Give Me the News...

I've got a bad case of wanting to punch you! Yeah, remember back I was talking about my doctor who seemed like he wanted to help me, get me in with a neurosurgeon to fix my herniated disc? Yeah, not so happy with him now...

Yesterday I went back for a follow-up and here's what he said:

      "I don't think the problem is in your back. I want to do a nerve conduction test because I think you have a lesion on a nerve in your leg. Plus, you don't need to get addicted to pain pills"

  2. How the fuck is a lesion on a leg nerve going to cause pain IN MY BACK?
  3. You want me to get a huge ass needle shoved into various parts of my leg and shock the nerves again and think I'm going to be okay with that? FUCK YOU!

I'm beginning to think you're just trying to milk me for money now, doc. Guess what? Not. Going. To. Happen. Why would I subject myself to the same fucking test again that showed there was no fucking lesion on any fucking nerve in my leg? They also checked on an MRI for nerve lesions as well as brain lesions. Guess what it showed? NOTHING. No lesions anywhere. 

But hey, what do I know? I'm just the bitch who has the pain in her fucking back that radiates down her legs to her feet and also down my fucking arms. How could that possibly be a problem in my back? You know what they did find on my MRI? A herniated fucking disc. Know what I had done for said problem? Physical Therapy, X-Ray Guided Epidural Injections, rest, massage, and then Vicodin from you. 

I have exhausted every fucking solution for the fucking problem and was told by the doc who gave me the injections "These did not work at all. You need surgery." I was told by you "You need surgery." Now you're telling me it's not my fucking back at all? You sound like a doc I had before who called me a "Fainting Goat" because I have an arrhythmia in my heart. He also started that conversation with "How many kids do you have and how old are the little bastards?" and followed with "You don't even have HIV. What's a girl like you suppose to do?" Know what happened to that doc? He got fired and was lucky I didn't spork his fucking eyes out. I would have bitten his jugular and drank his blood but I didn't want to catch his smug attitude. Fucking House wannabe.

So doc, what to do with you? Should I call my insurance and tell them I need/want a second opinion or let you subject me to a battery of tests that will show what they have in the past and be inconclusive? I'll fucking humor you one time and get this fucking painful ass test done. How the fuck ever, if it shows the same damn thing it did in the past, I'm switching doc faster than you can say "Turn your head and cough."

Monday, August 27, 2012

Buyer Beware!

I like to help my Minions in any way I can. They vent to me, and I will gladly blast anyone they have a problem with. Why? Because I don't give a fuck what others think. What are they going to do? Send me hate mail? Ooh, I'm shaking in my Demonia Boots. Anyway, on with today's tasty treat.

                   Dear Hekate,

           I hope you can help. If nothing else, spread the word about this guy. Three Months ago     I placed an order with Fresh Racks ClothingThis young twerp is a rip off and I had to fight to get him to respond to me. I sent my order and about 1.5 months ago I tried emailing, then calling, and then Facebook messaged him. In total I have tried to contact him 12-13 times and just this morning on the second phone call to him, I woke him up.  Freakin' lil shit stain. He yelled at me, talked over me, was down right rude and told me there wasn't anything he could do for me until 5 mins later I convinced him to refund the shipping and resend it with a tracking number. I also had to explain to him that APO was a US address because he was wondering why I didn't have to pay international. Dumb fuck. I'm not the only one to complain about him either, but I gave him a benefit of doubt. Don't buy from him if you want it to be an easy sale. Kid sounded like a high schooler and was less than polite with me (yelling over the phone). Do not ever buy anything from Fresh Racks Clothing!

Pissed, drained, and fucking tired

Okay, where do I start? Well first off PDFT, you did the right thing contacting me. I hate fucking snot nosed, little know-it-all, pricks who think they can run a "business" from home and can fuck people over. They only do it because they are probably the nerdy ass kid who hides behind their keyboard on World of Warcraft calling everyone n00bs and pwning everyone they can because at school they're the awkward little shit who thinks the world is against them, is a pussy and will probably never get laid because they'll spend their entire life living in mom's basement. Or attic, depending on how horribly disfigured and/or derp they are. So what to do about our said loser. Well I'm about to go Level EPIC tehuberl33tpwntsauce on his ass. 

Oh mister man, you fucked over the wrong person. Having me as outlet to vent to end with someone crying in the corner sucking their thumb, and it's not me. So you douchewaffle, muddy turtle, level 80 dick-weed, fucktard, either start treating your customers better or one day you'll end up with someone on your doorstep beating the fuck out of you and trashing your "sweet" ride, which we all know is your mom's station wagon. Stop masturbating to your dad's porn stash, since that's all you have left of him because he probably left your whiny ass because he saw you'd never amount to shit, and do the right thing. Send the fucking shipments when they are placed. Don't put it off because you have to defeat the overlord right now or you might die. Get the fuck back to reality, you little shit, and run your so-called business or GTFO and leave it to the big boys and girls who care. Oh, and stop trying to sell those knock of Rolex watches out of your locker. That's just sad.

And for anyone who wants to try to defend this basement dwelling troll, feel free to email me. And if you yourself are said troll, I dare you to say shit. Why? Because I don't fucking care what you think. You, however, should care what your customers think. Otherwise you end up on the interwebs in blogs like this.


Sunday, August 26, 2012

The Sad, the Good(?), and the WTF?!

The sad news is we lost an American Hero. Neil Armstrong passed away yesterday at the age of 82. It was cited to be from complications from heart surgery. We're sad to see you go, Commander Armstrong. You will be missed bay family and friends and forever remembered in history.

The good(?) news is Jersey Shore star Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi gave birth to a boy around 3 am. Why this made Yahoo! front page news and came before the article about Commander Armstrong confounds me. It's always nice to see what Americans find more important. Perhaps the monkeys who work at Yahoo! are more impressed with her than the rest of the world. Maybe they just want to hit it, just once. Hey monkeys! I think everyone has hit it by now.

So for the WTF news (and it's going to be twisted and if you're easily offended, GTFO now): I believe in reincarnation. Do you think Neil was reincarnated as Snooki's baby? If so, do you think he came out saying "One small step for man. One giant leap for... WTF is that?!"


Friday, August 24, 2012

Just Shoot Me!

Dark greetings, Minions. I was not doing much yesterday due to pain and felling ill. So for your entertainment, I shall rant about yesterday and why I chose this specific title. Come with me on this fucked up journey...

Yesterday started out with me thinking is was Friday. I thought it was going to be a good day because it was Friday. I was wrong. Horribly wrong. Nyx and Nox woke up early so I fixed them breakfast and gave them milk. When they were done, I do as I always do when I'm on my own.: Pick up Nyx, set her down in the hall, close the baby gate, and gram Nox. Wrong. Fucking. Move. For unknown reasons, and besides just to make me cringe, Nyx lets out a ear piercing scream. I just close my eyes and go about my duty of grabbing Nox. As I set Nox down so I can grab diapers to change them, Nox follows her sister's actions and begins throwing an all out hissy fit. Again, I just close my eyes and got about getting what I need to change them.

Once they were changed, Nyx continued her fit. Throwing herself on her bed, rolling around like a crocodile doing it's death roll, a low, but loud, yell. All this time, not one tear was shed. So I just sit there thinking, "It's okay. It's Friday." Perhaps I should have paid more attention to the date on my cell phone...

As she's throwing her fit, I drag some toys out for them to play with. Nox sets her sight on the stacking cups and make a beeline for them. As she grabs them, Nyx decides she wants them, and comes out of her fit to stake her claim on the coveted cups. Nox has her hands on them and begins to stack them, Nyx is not amused. So what does she do? What any Babyzilla would do: Act like it's Tokyo and smash it to the ground. This send Nox into a fit of fist clinching, scrawled up face, turning deep red rage. Wonder where she gets it from?

So a nap, lunch, snack, and few fits later Xic comes home. Nox is a true "daddy's girl" and has to have Xic pick her up the second he walks in the house. Problem? Xic needs to change out of his work cloths as use the bathroom. Nox proceeds to throw herself on the ground, wailing, and is completely and utterly inconsolable. Fuck my luck.

Oh, I forgot to mention that this entire day I was in pain and had a headache despite the fact of taking my Vicodin. Yep, awesome day it has been. I still think it's Friday, so I'm cool with it.

I make dinner for the Gothlings and we get them set in their highchairs. They decided they didn't like what mommy made, throw half of it on the floor and continue "Fit Fest 2012". At this point, my pain and headache are so horrid my blood pressure rises, I get over heated, and now I'm crying like a little bitch. Xic says "Go lay down in the bedroom, I got this." I pop a Vicodin, my Lamictal (seizure med), and head to the bedroom. (Thanks again, Xic. I love you.)

Two hours later, I'm okay enough to get up and kiss the Gothlings goodnight (I NEVER miss a night). Xic and I proceed to the living room to watch an episode of Level Up (fuck you, I love Cartoon Network and I am a gamer geek!) Paranormal Witness (Syfy Channel rocks too) that was on our DVR. It was then that Xic told me that it was Thursday, not Friday. My reaction? "You mean I may have to go through another day like this tomorrow? Just fucking shoot me!"

Pain is no joke, Minions. I hate when it makes you all nauseous. So, anyone know a remedy for migraines besides Imitrex (which I can't take), Aspirin (also can't take), or injections (been there, done that, and it didn't help)? If so, email me at GothMomRantings@rocketmail.com.