Saturday, August 4, 2012

Twitchy Face, Clinched Fists, and Ready to Explode

Okay,  recently I came out to my family and friends as being bisexual. Soon everyone will see why I didn't tell anyone for 16 fucking years! Good thing I don''t give a fuck who I piss off now and if you're reading this and find out it's about you, GOOD!

Okay, I called The Oracle and Matrix and let them know that I was bi. After shock and awe wore off it came to the "Okay, you're still you" state and then it was like nothing changed. Good right? You would think so...

So I posted on Facebook because I don't care who knows now. If you love and respect me, you'll support me no matter what I say. How the fuck ever if you want to be a fucking twatwaffle bitch who loves drama and lives for it, you Skype me. And this is what happened so far.

We'll call this "family" member Sassy. Sassy calls and I answer. Sassy then asks what I posted on Facebook. Knowing that she can clearly read it, I go ahead and answer her with "What, that I'm bisexual?" I then get a somewhat toned down version of why the fuck would I post it on Facebook. Who the fuck cares, bitch? I'm not ashamed and not hiding it anymore. Obviously I don't care if people know. I then get a broken up lecture of sorts about how "My family doesn't care, you are who you are" and how I'm, guessing, a bad person for not coming out sooner to my family. Again, you care and matter because...

Well I'm guessing I pissed her off with my reason for not coming out sooner: Fear of being exiled from my family and made to feel like I'm a horrible person. Keep in mind here I was in junior high when I knew, and felt like if I came out I would get kicked out of my house with nowhere to go. What would you do? Stay in the fucking closet is what I chose. My choice here, sweet cheeks. Oh, and no, that wasn't a fucking come on. Sorry, but you don't do it for me. No hard feelings, right?

Okay, your family is understanding. Mine was not at the time. Get it? If I was in your family, I wouldn't have felt the need to hide it. In my family, I felt it was better to keep it secret. Oh, are you bisexual? Are you gay? No? Then how the fuck do you expect to relate to what I'm feeling at any given fucking moment here, twat? Yeah, shut the fuck up, sit down, and keep your damn mouth shut until I'm fucking done. Oh, and I do have the fucking balls to say all of this to your face. Not over Skype, not over the phone, not email, not just here, not Facebook... IN. PERSON. You already know I can get pissed. I believe I shut you up once or twice before when you though I was a pansy ass pushover. See, I let you see only what I wanted you to see. It's called a bluff. Your's sucks. Just sayin'.

Anyway, as I'm about to fucking explain to this mother fucking twit why I did what I did, the call breaks up and drops. Well, maybe. I she could have just played like it was breaking up and just hung up because she wants to play Billie Bad Ass to her "fiance'". Whatever, don't care. But let me say this: People like you are why I didn't say anything. Because even though Xic knows, my family knows now, and your family as well, you are the only one who seems to have a problem with it. So what if I waited 16, 17, or 30 fucking years? The only one giving me grief about it is YOU. Now, ask me how many fucks I give. Uh, none. You know why? Because YOU don't matter to ME. You are nothing. You bitch about how Xic doesn't call you... Could it be that he has no respect for you because you're a drop out, ex-stripper, pot head who seems to pick fights with his wife? No? Maybe it's because you're nothing but drama? No? Oh, I know! Because you're just a bitch that doesn't really matter to us! Again, no hard feelings, right?

Oh, just to be clear: I. DO. NOT. WANT. TO. LICK. YOUR. PANOOCH. Got it? Good. Now piss off, wanker!


Shut Up! You Suck!

The title is an ode to Nyx and Nox. They love to shout at each other, Xic, and me their favorite phases. They do it at the perfect time, though, and go back and forth for a while.

The first time they started a true back and forth fight we could understand was during a bath. Nox started whining for some reason or another. Nyx looks at her and says "Shut up!" Where did she pick this up from? Xic and me. No, we don't tell them to shut up, but Hell Hound (our dog) starts barking at cats or growls and whines when begging for food. So we tell him to "Shut up". The fact that Nyx said it in the perfect context was funny. What happened next was just fucking EPIC.

As Nox whines, Nyx again says "Shut up!" Now Nox looks at her and says, "You suck!" The fuck did I just hear? Are you kidding me? When did she hear this? Oh yeah, Xic gaming... CoD (Call of Duty for those who don't know). Someone gets the drop on him, he yells "You suck!" as well as other choice words. I'm just glad Nox picked up "You suck" as opposed to "Mother fucking asshole!"

So here we go. Back and forth for a few minutes 

Nyx: Shut up!

Nox: You suck!

Nyx: Shut up!

Nox: You suck!

Yeah, the cute will wear off after a few hundred times but for now it's hilarious. 

So why am I dedicating this post to them? Because I turned on the T.V. and the weatherman was talking about the warmer weather we're expecting this weekend and through the week. As he goes on he says "There's no rain in sight for a while so enjoy the sunshine and warmer weather because we don't get it often." Nyx and Nox, in unison, yell out "SHUT UP! YOU SUCK!" I'm so proud of them, I think I'm going to go cry now. *wipes tear from her eye*


Friday, August 3, 2012

Halloween Family Fun, Hekate Style!

Verin's first teenage Halloween I am going to teach him the art of TPing someone's house. 

  1. Buy the cheapest 1 ply TP. Why? More sheets to the roll and when they do clean up it tears with every pull.
  2. Never work alone, but make sure you work with at least one slow running friend who won't rat you out. This is why running track in school is a good thing.
  3. Ninja costumes are best for this debauchery. It helps get you in the mind set, you can hide in the shadows, and ninjas are fucking bad ass!
  4. If you can, stick to allies and start in the back. Watch out for guard dogs and motion activated lights. This is where the slower, non-snitching friend comes in.
  5. Start with trees, bushes, and then the house. Stick to one stories unless you can get a good perch in a tree to hit the second floor and roof.
  6. Don't limit yourself by just going over the house. Go around if you have the opportunity and it's dark enough.
  7. Spray bottles with water help the paper stick to windows.
Nope, I've never done this before. I'm a good little goth!


Thursday, August 2, 2012

Love/Hate Relationships

Fair warning, this is going to be laced with insults, name calling, may be "immature" at times, and filled with harsh language. If you have a problem with any of this, turn back now. Otherwise, read on as my anger has reached it's fucking maximum point and to save some poor schmuck from getting his/her throat punched I'm using my blog to vent.

First off, our apartment complex sent us that lovely news letter last week stating they would also be repairing the the parking lot starting on the 6th of August. Fuckers showed up at 8:00 am today and start jack hammering outside our damned window. If you're going to change dates for shit like this, let us know asshole! We're not suppose to drive on these fucking patches for 24 mother fucking hours, so you did two fucking things here: 

  1. Trapped some of us in because we sort of fucking respect your wishes.
  2. Gave some of us permission to flip you the fuck off double time because work won't fucking wait for shit unless we want to get fired.
Next on my list, fuckheads who bitch and moan because you can't fucking visit them due to your work schedule and needing to pay fucking bills that are important but the mother fucking second they get vacation time they blow you the fuck off. Let me set the mood for why this pisses me off royally right now.

I have "family" that wants me to visit and I live semi close by. We have gone to visit a few times since moving close, but shit happens where money becomes short and you figure paying rent and buying food to feed your family is more important than driving for hours to visit for a day and drive back home. You try your damnedest to go visit and they know what your situation is and say it's "okay". But what happens when you call them? They start asking every fucking time when you're coming for a visit! And when you say you can't just yet, they get all exasperated and say all sarcastic "I understand." Bitch, I don't think you fucking do! And don't even start to try some bull shit fucking guilt trip on me and think I should say fuck you to bills and food for my family just to come sit in your fucking Batcave of a house to cater to your broken ass!

So you call, or they call, and you find out they're going on vacation. You express since you can't make it to see them, why don't they come visit you, even if it's just for a day to drive on through to their next stop or on their way home. Not too much to ask, right? You'd be fucking WRONG! They act like you just asked them to sacrifice their first born, a right fucking nut, and give you $10 million. Are you fucking serious!? You say you want to go to a fucking amusement park? Okay, There's one here near me that's 10 times better than the one you were going to. Trust me, I fucking looked up that joke of a fucking place you chose. Our park has a water park and regular midway fucking theme park in one. Your's? A joke of a fucking arcade and one fucking ride. Living large there, are you Sparky?

This person gets another vacation a month later. Must be fucking nice. You tell them again that your plans of trying to visit before school starts are going to fall through due to job changes and pay cuts, and it would be nice if... You get cut the fuck off mid sentence to hear "We're going to Uber Awesome Theme Park again." The same fucking joke of a park you bitched about last month? Two fucking words for you: FUCK. OFF. Don't fucking ask me ever again to come visit you if you can't one mother fucking day out of your vacation to visit as you're passing right through my fucking city, douche bag! Keep to your fucking self you half hermit living mother fucker. Don't fucking call me bitching about haw your vacation went to fucking Hell in a hand basket so fucking quick it gave you whiplash! I hope you max out your fucking cards and end up filing bankruptcy again because your dumb ass wants to play like you own the fucking world and we all owe you our fucking gratitude for letting us inhabit your space and breathe the same fucking air as you. Guess what, sweet cheeks... Your shit stinks just like mine. Unless you're like my cousin who drank a bottle of expensive ass perfume your Grandma bought. Then it smells somewhat like roses.

Okay, I think I got it all out. I'm cool now. Time to whip up lunch for the Gothlings. All this talk of amusement parks got me wanting corn dogs. And cotton candy. Oh, in case you haven't figured out yet, I'm ADHD.


2:02 pm Someone just drove over the patch work on our lot. LMAO You had it coming, complex!

Wednesday, August 1, 2012

Texting with Xic

It never fails. My mind is always in the fucking gutter. LMAO


Hellooooo Nurse!

So yesterday, SIL and I went to get a massage. We went to this local shop that, from the outside, makes you think, "$5 me sucky sucky." Seriously, it's in a strip mall, on the side that you would really have to know about it to find it. Location, location, location. We walk in and, of course, a little Asian woman walks up and greats us. The decor is nice inside, but still gives you the vibe of bow chicka bow wow.

So Fook Mi shows us to our rooms. Very tranquil feeling for me, now. I'm a certified massage therapist, so I know what I want. Fook Mi takes on SIL and Fook Yu comes into my room. I can no longer vouch for what happens with SIL, but here's what happened with me. Shit gets interesting.

Fook Yu puts on some music that I can not understand, but the beat is nice. Holy fucking shit, here comes that voice in my head saying "You're about to get yours!" but it's in the run for your fucking life tone instead of the yeah, baby tone. At this point in time I'm just laying there under that sheet in all my goth glory hoping I don't have to go all Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon on miss thang. Then it starts...

Mama-san put me in drool inducing sleep in a heart beat. She stretched my back, kneaded my muscles, and did me right in the right way. I didn't realize how many knots I had in my back until she hopped up on the table with me, straddled me, and put an elbow right into my shoulder. Oh my fucking GAWD! I am fucking jello now. Then things get crazy.

Fook Yu Right starts working on my arse. Yep, she pulls that sheet down and digs in full force. Let me say that at first I was thinking 'It's fucking COLD!" then I was quickly taken to "Oh shit!" state. Now weather this was the plan or not, it fucking happened. She is kneading and rolling, massaging and stretching my lower back and arse so good my fucking toes curled, I saw in full HD technicolor, and... Soaked the fucking sheets. Not even fucking kidding here, Minions. It. Was. EPIC.

As I'm laying there thinking "This never fucking happened before" she keeps working on me, moves to my legs, and doesn't even seem to care. She gets warm towels and lays one on my back and starts to clean off the oil, then my legs. She has me roll over which, at this point, I'm thinking "Yes ma'am!" She massages my arms, hands, quads, and scalp. When she finishes she quietly says she's finished and walks out. I lay there for a minute not wanting to move but reluctantly get up ad get dressed. I look back and all I can think is Mama-san did me fucking right! All without the actual sucky sucky, licky licky part.

Bills gets paid and tips are giving and we head back to my house, but first, we need food. Hey, I get hungry after happy endings. Teriyaki, here we come!


Monday, July 30, 2012

Prison, Past Life, and Peeping Tom's

Today was another one of those days. Well, not so many of the WTF moments, but enough to make me say "Really?"

The morning started normal enough with us making plans to head to the local mall for CC, Nyx, and Nox to spend the day with SIL and BIL while Xic and I watched The Dark Knight Rises. Oh yeah!

When the movie was over we meet back up with everyone to find out that Nyx pissed all over her clothes and a bag while SIL was changing her. LMAO She hasn't done that since she was a month old! So SIL bought her a new outfit and all was well. They really like BIL since he's tall enough to put them on a slide. Yep, Nyx even said "Up" while reaching up to BIL. That's a first for her. Well played, Nyx. Well played.

Since they had been awake for almost 8 1/2 hours, we decided we'd let them take a nap before heading to dinner at Olive Garden. Guess who had to wake them up from their nap? Yep. This is where things go bad. Complete meltdowns begin. At least getting in the car was easy. They seemed to cheer up for a while.

For once, the GPS took us right to the spot we wanted to go. No problems at all. Even traffic was working in our favor. We get to OG, get seated pretty quick, and get our order in.  Awesome! Food gets to the table, Nyx and Nox both like calamari. Hell yeah, they do! Nox starts sneaking it off the plate thinking no one saw and stuffs three in her mouth at a time. They get a cheese pizza and Nyx stuffs 12 cut bites in her mouth and looks like a chipmunk. I say "Nyx, were you a prisoner in a past life?" to which BIL says "She's carbo loading!" LMAO Classic. Nyx then decides to spit some out and a piece falls on the floor. Xic picks it up and eats it. 5 second rule, right? SIL chimes in "Xic, why even wash your hands if you're just going to eat off the floor?" Score one for SIL.

Time to leave. Why is their so much traffic at 7:40 pm? Because there's a concert tonight and it's in our town. Xic is nice enough to let a semi merge in front of us and gets a wave. Aw, how sweet. Then came the "Are you fucking serious?" moment. Some twatwaffle wannabe gangster bitch decides she's going to speed up and try to cut in front of us! Fuck twitchy face and clinched fists, this bitch gets the full on "FUCK YOU! Yeah! You, fuck head! Walmart's open 24 fucking 7 bitch!" I hope you miss that all precious sale you wanted to make. Asshole.

Okay, on to Safeway to get food and stuff for tomorrow's BBQ. We get there and I need to hit the little Goth's room. I get in and start to do my business when Crackhead Christi walks in with her 6-7 year-old son. This kid starts looking in my stall at me. WTF! "I hope you're getting an eye full, kid!" Yeah, I said it. Crackhead pipes in "Don't look in there, you don't know where her nasty ass has been!" Bitch, are you for real? "That's rich coming for a crackhead." Like I said, no filter. "You don't know me, cunt!" Bitch, you're lucky I'm still pissing or I'd have beat your ass. "I can see enough of your scars, scabs, and sores to know all I need to know about you and call it like it is, bitch!" Here's a fucking thought, keep your kid close to you and stop letting him get away with playing Peeking Tom and you won't get called out on it. Again, lucky you that I'm still on the fucking pot or I'd be fucking your world up, kid or no kid.

Now the day's done and it's time to relax. I hope you're laughing. I wasn't at the time, but going back and reading this trying to find all my errors and spelling mistakes (thanks dyslexia) I'm laugh my fucking arse off.


The Sunday that Felt Like Monday.

Normally Mondays have it in for us all, but for some reason yesterday was a "You've got to be kidding me" day. Here's how it went down:

Nyx and Nox didn't wake up at their normal time of 7:30 am and we were meeting family for breakfast at 8:00 am, so Xic goes in and wakes them. As everyone knows, waking a toddler from their comatose state is like smacking a hibernating bear with a 2x4. You Just. Don't. Do. It. But since we had to be somewhere, it was an unavoidable hazard. Begin the suck.

Nox freaks out every time we get near the car. This is normal, though. I have no idea why she does, but it's usually fixed by a quick lift above our heads. Not this time. Now begins the "Fold the Baby in Half and Strap Them Down ASAP" games. For this, I deserve a gold medal. Next is the "Kick Daddy's Seat All the Way to the Restaurant" game. Nyx gets the platinum medal for the rest of her life for this event. What's that? They don't have a platinum medal? I'll make one, asshole! Her kicking is EPIC.

Thanks to a GPS leading our family halfway around the world before sending them our way, Nyx and Nox started "Whinefest 2012". This wasn't too bad, but still sucks when you're in a small car sitting in a parking lot. A short time later, they make it. Time to get our grub on.

Breakfast went great, the girls ate like we never feed them. Thanks, kids. Make me look like a douche now. Payback in your teen years will be a fucking bitch. The bad part of breakfast, I go to the little Goth's room and, thanks to a fucking herniated disc, my leg goes numb and I fall. Hard. At least no one was in there. Fuck. What else does this day have in store?

We go home, put the demons down for a nap. Two glorious hours of sleep! They wake on their own two minutes before we had said we would wake them to make it for lunch. Get them changed, pack up towels for swimming, the girls are set... Xic says to help him with his back. FUCK. THIS. DAY. Get him set, Nox freaks at the sight of the car, she kicks Xic's seat, GPS leads us to the city, he misses the fucking turn thanks to a well thought out system by the city (fucking dicks), we turn back to make a left turn into the parking lot. "No Left Turn Allowed". Begin the twitchy face and clinched fists.

Xic turns on the interstate to go down one exit to turn back after the longest damn light ever. Make it to the exit, turn. The next light has a blinking yellow arrow with a sign "Yield to Oncoming Traffic when Blinking". Fuckhead in front of us has the clear, and sits there. Yep. There's the tick. Fucking GO! He turns and the light turns red and we're stuck. Yeah, fuck you, dick! I hope the next person who sits behind you bumps your ass into the intersection and makes you go. Light turns green, we go. No access to the one we want and we end up going five fucking miles down to finally make it back on the right track. What happens next just doesn't help the twitches. Fucking douche bag pulls out in front of us while impatient bitch behind him doesn't want to stop at the fucking sign. That's right, keep rolling out in front of us princess. The semi behind us would be more than obliged to take the front end off the car daddy bought you.

Make it to the food joint. Fuck yeah! Go in, get the demons strapped in the highchairs, SIL and I order food and wait. Food's ready and the call us. Where are the other two fucking tacos that were ordered? Clean the cum out of your ears and listen, precious! Where the fuck are the two milkshakes you were going to make? Oh, and the fucking milk for Nyx and Nox? I should let them go all Zombie Fucking Apocalypse on your badly bleached hair ass! Get it all, finally. Back to the family's hotel to swim. Finally the day got better.

We swam, sat in the spa, had a blast, and the girls had their cousin spend the night at our place. Get the Gothlings fed dinner. Everyone is having fun. Xic and CC (niece) play Mortal Kombat. Xic beats her and then it's my turn. FIGHT! Nothing like beating up on a five-year-old in a game to make you feel awesome about yourself, right? OMFG... WTF just happened? I got pwned by a kid in a game I fucking rock at. Not just once or twice. Three fucking times. I bow to you, CC, Queen of MK.

Bedtime nears for Nyx and Nox, SIL and BIL bring CC a toy she has wanted for a while but couldn't be found in their city. Also brought Nyx and Nox a activity table that plays music and teaches ABC's and all that cool shit. The problem? It was just before bedtime. Give a toddler a new toy before bed, good fucking luck getting them to bed. This after only a one nap day and them being up for almost 8 hours now. Meltdown in 5...4...3...2...1... NOOOOOOO!!!!! WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!

After I stop throwing my fit, I get the girls calmed down too. Xic puts the table in a different room. I sing to them and they soon fall asleep. Time to play board games with CC. Xic wins in Sorry, I win Yatzee. Xic introduced CC to Pissed Off Pigeons, aka Angry Birds, on the PS3. Nothing like popping pigs to get a kid to settle down, right? STFU, it actually worked! She starts drifting in and out of consciousness. We pull out the bed, she climbs up in bed and is out before we know it.

Spend some time talking to my twin, Hecate, who is in Japan for a few more weeks on Skype. Had a good chat that, without fail, ends up with us talking about boobs. I swear! Never fucking fails! Shows where our twin minds end up. But a great way to end the day, right?

Now it's our bed time.
Ah, sleep. Perchance to dream... And PISS! (If you're a gamer, you know this game quote) Never fails, I get all warm and comfy in bed and I have to pee. Just my bladders nice little way to say Fuck you, Hekate! Now the day is done, time to sleep and prepare for the real Monday. Help me.


P.S. At some point during the day, someone sharted and to keep from toting shit soiled underwear they threw them away. Not gonna say who and let you all speculate. LMAO What a fucking day it was.