Tuesday, February 4, 2014

WOW! Where Have I Been?

Okay, so I've been out of the loop for a while. I suppose you all want an explanation, right? Well, Minions, you're in luck. That's what you're about to get.

Last year was Hell on Earth. So many things happened that seemed like one shit storm after another. We moved into what was suppose to be awesome apartments but turned into the most ghetto place every. How ghetto? They didn't clean the sinks and stove before we moved in... They PAINTED them! Yes, painted. Within a few days sinks started to chip. Sinks I don't care too much about, but the stove? Seriously? They must be out of their mother fucking minds! The damned thing burst into flames as I was fixing Xic's eggs one day. What did the complex say? "Perhaps you should clean your stove more often to stop the grease build up." The fuck did you just say, bitch? How about you replace this deathtrap stove that your guys painted. While you're at it, how about stocking the fire extinguishers too?

Xic was rejected for the police department, so he's still working for a company that hires people who cant spell their way out of a paper bag. Case in point, his supervisor sent an email about "Super Bowel" festivities. Xic said "Is it sponsored by Ex-Lax? Guess I'm going to have a shitty day at work. It's going to stink." Yeah, that's my husband.

We've have an offer in on a house we want to buy. It's a short-sale. Our offer was first put in late October. They replied mid December wanting $25k more than the listing price, we counted, they countered back with $235k, we agreed and signed on January 2. We haven't heard back from them since. Hey, NationStar! Get off you're fucking asses and sign off on the damned thing so we can move the fuck in and get out of this shit hole apartment complex already! I'd also like to get moved before March 11th! Fucktards.

March 11th, in case you're wondering, is when I have surgery to reattach muscles that are torn. In two places. I also have to have at least one hernia repaired. When I fuck up my body, I do it right.

I did find my dad last year, so that's a plus. 30 years of not knowing and him wondering put to rest with one test that proved 99.999% he is my dad. We met and found that even though we never knew each other we're alike in so many ways. We look alike, love the same foods, and our tastes in houses and kitchen designs are the same. Okay, enough sappy shit. I don't need you all crying like Manning after the Super Bowl.

I would like to congratulate the Seattle Seahawks and the 12th Man for the well deserved win. Way to play, Legion of Boom. Oh, and a special shout out to Marshawn Lynch. Thanks to you, Nyx and Nox now run around yelling "Beast MODE! Skittles!" and I have to say I love it. 


Saturday, July 20, 2013

Marvel War of Heroes Alliance

Minions, as you all know I'm a gamer. I play all types of games: PC, PS3, Xbox, and even Apps. What I am about to show you is a conversation string that left me laughing so hard I actually couldn't breathe! What follows is why I love the group of guys I play with. Oh, and I'm the one on the right. 

Yes, your favorite Goth Mom is a perv. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to catch my breathe once more. LMAO


Thursday, June 27, 2013

Family and Computer Twunt

It's been a Hell of a night already, Minions. Now that my fucking twunt ass computer has decided it wants to work with me and start up, I can now write that ever coveted blog post you've all been dying for. Ready for my twitchy face and clinched fist post? Good. Here we go...

So by now you know about my side of the family, but today I'm going to be writing about the other side. The in-law side.

I love most of my in-laws, but there's always one in every marriage that just gets on your last. Fucking. Nerve. Am I right? Of course I am. That one for me? Sassy.

Sassy was mentioned in a previous post I wrote. I don't talk to Sassy much. Why? She's drama. Not to say other members don't have their share of drama (like most of my side of the family), but Sassy has a knack for EPIC. BULLSHIT. DRAMA. 

She calls me when shes stressed or had a bad day. Seriously, this is the ONLY time she calls me. She even said so. Thanks, bitch. Nice to know I'm only good enough for you to complain to because no one else wants to listen about your shity ass day.

She calls bitching because Xic told her "No" about creating an Instagram account to share photos with her. She proceeds to order  me to make Xic create an account or create one anyway even though he said "No". Yeah, no. That doesn't fly in our house. Mommy and Daddy refuse to be played against one another. It doesn't work for our kids, it sure as Hell won't work for you. Nice try though.

She then bitches about he ex and how he said, she said, blah, blah, fucking blah. Honestly I tuned most of this shit out, but caught the majority of it. After trying to be rational with her about the problem for 45 minutes I realized it was a lost cause and changed the subject. Well, tried to anyway. She ended up going back to it a few minutes later until we hit the last subject of the night.

Here's where I get slightly pissed. Slightly. Had I gone full out pissed I wouldn't have bit my tongue.

"Tell my brother to call and text me more. He never talks to me!" Excuse me? Are you really going to go there? Bitch, please! He texted you more in ONE. FUCKING. DAY. than he did me in a week! You want to know why he avoids your calls? The same reason I'm going to start sending your ass to voice mail and deleting it without listening: YOU'RE TOO MUCH FUCKING DRAMA! 

Oh, and you know how you complained about how your mom (may she rest in peace) rambled on and on and repeated herself 20 times in a call and wouldn't hang up after saying bye 30 minutes straight? Congratufuckinglations, sweet cheeks! You're just like her! I loved your mom. You, not so much. You were a bitch to me from day one and I'm only your favorite person to talk to when no one else wants to deal with your bitchy ass. Here's a tip: If people ignore your calls or keep saying "Hey, I have to go. I need to do (insert some really important, but not too important thing). I'll call you back" but they never do, it's not them. IT'S YOU. 

Oh yeah, thanks for stealing an hour of my life I will never get back. 

Now that my computer has been a fucking twunt for the last time tonight and I got my rant out, sort of, I'm going to go kick Xic's ass in Injustice.


Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Oi! I'm Still Here!

Yeah, so I've been MIA for a while. Stop bitching, I'm here now with a new post for you all, Minions. My twitching face and clinched fists have calmed down since this event happened, but I'm still writing about it because it happens all too often and it needs to stop.

My dad was in town this weekend... What? Shocked I have a dad? Get the fuck over it and let me get on with my EPIC story!... As I was saying, we all went to watch Verin's Karate tournament on Saturday. On our way home, I'm driving and encounter a Level 80 Fucktard and a Level 80 Douchwaffle at the same time.

You see, Minions, the city we live in has a highway that turns into a regular street. It ends in our city. So you go from a 60 MPH zone to 35 MPH zone in a matter of feet. Awesome, right? Yeah, it gets better. See, at the end of said highway is a light. I'm lucky enough to always catch it when it's green. This day was no different. After that light is another light. My lucky day, it's green too. Awesome! Because at this point, Nyx and Nox are in full on DEF-CON 4 EPIC MELTDOWN. So what happens next pissed me 50 shades the fuck off.

Fucktard is in one car (A Cadillac at that) and Douchwaffle is in another (yet another Cadillac). They roll their tinted (and I mean damn near illegal tinted) windows down, slow to a fucking crawl at 15-20 MPH, and start talking to each other. There's a line of cars at least 20 deep behind me and the guy next to me and we're all blaring our fucking horns at this point. After what seemed like 5 minutes Douchwaffle changes lanes and I speed up and pass him. He then proceeds to try to pull up beside me, and I can't help but think he may try to start some shit with my kids in the car. At this point I'm running every scenario in my head: He'll pull a gun and start shooting. He'll jump out with his boys and try to kick our asses (Good luck buddy. Xic and I would destroy you within seconds while Nyx and Nox devour your entrails). Anyway, he ends up not catching up and turns before we have to. Crisis averted. 

But my post doesn't end like this. That wouldn't be fun, now would it? Here comes the Hekate Rage Rant you all have been missing:

Hey asswipes! Yeah, all you wannabe "Gangsta" pussy asses out there. If you're going to try to score or sell drug, do like all the other "Gangsta's" do and buy 20 different fucking cell phones and STOP BLOCKING MY WAY HOME! I sweat to fucking all that is holy and unholy that the next time I see one of you douchewaffling, ass-munching  fucking asshole surfers slowing down and talking to another fucking car while I'm trying to get somewhere I will rear end you at full fucking force so long as my kids aren't with me. Just because you have to support you 20 different baby mama's and the 35 fucking kids you have doesn't give you the right to block the road, fucker. Oh, and pull up your damn pants, "playa". Maybe if you could run without having to grab your pants every two fucking steps or have them fall and you trip you wouldn't get busted by the cops as often. And the next time you try to pull up beside me while I'm driving, it better be to apologize. Otherwise I may run your ass of the fucking road or have to kick your ass. How sad would that be to have all your boys see you get a baseball bat shoved up your poop shoot by a 5'0" goth chick? Come to think of it... Go ahead and do it. Maybe I could get famous on YouTube and call the video "Now THAT'S Gangsta".


Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Stompy McStomperton from Stompsville

The goth family has officially moved, Minions. Now when I say "moved" that, in no way, means we are unpacked. Not completely, anyway.

Now, if you follow me on Facebook, you have seen me post about Stompy. Let me explain why i call him/her/it this.

Every day without fail since we have moved in, our neighbor starts moving around at 4:30 am. EVERY. FUCKING. DAY. If we're lucky, real lucky, they hold off until 5:00 am. This isn't your normal "Oh, I'm getting ready for work" movement. Oh no. This is "I am Sumo!" stomping. Seriously, I think The Hulk walks more softly in his rage than this fucker on any given day.

This morning stomp continues until 7:30 am. It wakes Nyx and Nox up. They use to sleep until 8:30 or 9:00. Thanks, Stompy. After the twins are up, fucktard leaves for the day. Yeah, thanks asshole. My day now is shot all to Hell because Nyx and Nox are not, I repeat, NOT morning people. If they were older, I'd give them coffee. Massive amounts of coffee.

Guess who comes back at about 5:30 pm? STOMPY! Awesome, right? I get 10 whole hours of quiet. Yeah, you obviously don't know Nyx and Nox. So 5:30, after Xic leaves for work, Stompy comes home. Now I guess dumb ass missed the fucking memo that we have a fitness center on site, because they stomp from kitchen to living room, hall, bedroom, hall, living room, and back to kitchen. 15 MOTHER FUCKING TIMES IN A ROW. Back and forth. Back and forth. Sometimes I wonder how the ceiling hasn't collapsed. This shit continues until 11fucking30 pm. Keep in mind that quiet hours here are from 10 pm to 6 am. You can get called out if your TV is too loud.

Now, I'm not just going to call up the manager and bitch about them. Sure, I will if it comes to that. I'm going to give them today. Tomorrow I will say something if it happens again. And it will. Now I'll be as nice as I can. Once. If it happens on Friday it may go something like this:

HEY, FUCK ASS! Knock the stomping shit off, you elephant footed douchewaffle, or one of two things will happen. 1. I turn your ass in with the video evidence I have made for the past two fucking weeks and maybe get your ass evicted. Or 2. I break your fucking legs and let Nyx and Nox Zombie Apocalypse your worthless ass. Ever see the Walking Dead? They're worse than that. Your move, ass clown.

Fuck it. If they don't stop in the next 20 minutes I'm going up. Nice is for pussies.


Monday, March 18, 2013

Not My Most Eloquent Post

FUCKING HELL! I hate some of my fucking "family" members sometimes! Not going to mention who it is because I know someone close to them reads this, but FUCKING HELL!

Xic and I have traveled SEVERAL fucking times to visit certain people to show up and be all but ignored. One of these aforementioned persons had the AUDACITY to post on Facebook implying that I do not make an effort to visit all because someone else whom they haven't seen in NINE FUCKING YEARS moved in with them after THEY paid for them to fly there. REALLY?

MOTHER FUCKING, COCK SUCKING, TWATWAFFLE! Xic and I pay for every fucking visit we make! WE pay for OUR motel room! WE pay for OUR gas and travel expenses! YOU pay for NOTHING and don't even acknowledge our fucking existence when we're there! It took you 12 fucking hours to even say "Hi" to me one visit and you only said it because another family member who was visiting called you out on it! And you have the fucking NERVE to post shit on Facebook saying I should come visit YOU and the person whom you paid for to move there? FUCK YOU!

You even want some other twatwaffle to come visit whom you haven't seen in eight years and expect me to be nice to them after the shit they said about me on Facebook? FUCK THAT AND FUCK THAT GORILLA FACE WHORE TOO! I don't give a rat's ass if they are "family"!

You all can suck my metaphorical dick and choke on it, assholes! I'm fucking DONE. Oh I'll play nice for a while, but only for my children's sake and only for a few more years. Once time is out, you all can fuck off and stay the Hell out of our lives. I didn't need you for 30 fucking years and I won't need you for the next 30!



Minions, I've been called a few names in my life. Bitch. Whore. 'Spic bitch. Freak. You name it, I've probably been called it. But today... Today I was called a new name.

I was on my way to Walmart when I pulled up to a stop sign. I did my normal slow to a stop, like you're suppose to do, when this car comes speeding up behind me, slams on his breaks, screeches to a stop, and proceeds to follow me in a fast rage to Walmart.

When I parked, this Merle wannabe jumps out of his car and yells at me. Here is what was said:

Him: Learn to drive you Spasian bitch!

Me: The fuck is a Spasian?

Him: A 'Spic Asian!

Me: I can see where you might think I'm Asian, but I'm not. And perhaps you should learn to read you white trash asshole. Stop means STOP, not Skid Tires On Pavement. Fucking dick.

Him: ... (walks away)

I spent the rest of the time at Walmart wondering where he heard Spasian from. No way in Hell he was smart enough to come up with that on his own.

Anyway, back to the move. I'm hoping we're done on Thursday. Until then, I'll be MIA for a while. BTW, I hate moving...