There's Stereotypes, Then There's You

Yes, Annoying Neighbor Across the Lot, I am referring to you. You moved in a little over a month ago and I can't help but notice you play to EVERY FUCKING STEREOTYPE bestowed upon you and then some extra. How so? Where do I start?

First off, when you moved in you had "Ya boyz" (as you said) help unload everything at night so "The Spic Bitch across the way" wouldn't tell her million family members what you had. Nice to know you had me pegged from day one. And it's 2 million, asshole.

Second, during the day you walk around with your do rag on, pants hanging halfway off your ass, smoking a Black n Mild (I can smell it over here). If that wasn't enough into the stereotype, you then came home four days a week for three weeks with KFC. Someone's gonna have high cholesterol!

What came next was just too damn much. You drove home a few weeks ago driving a Cadillac Escalade with the bass so high our windows rattled and smoke rolling out of the windows. Really? The kicker, it smelled like burning trash. Hmm... Wonder what you were smoking?

The other night, you and "Ya Boyz" were hanging out in your garage drinking and conversing about any and every "Big booty bitch" who had the pleasure of riding your dick. Nice. And it lasted well past 1:00 am. We had to close our windows so Xic could sleep for work. 

Speaking of work. What the fuck do you do? You never leave for extended periods of time, but your wife, or girlfriend, or whatever she is does. So what is it that you do? Never mind. I don't know if I want to know.

Today was just too much that I couldn't help but laugh my ass off when drove up. You get out of your Escalade with yet another bucket of KFC (BTW I'm fucking jealous now cause I want some extra crispy), Black n Mild in your mouth, pants falling down, do rag in place. You go inside come back out and take a watermelon out of the back and a bag with three big things of Grape Kool-Aid mix (I know my Kool-Aid, don't ask).

How the fuck am I NOT suppose to think the stereotype bestowed upon you? I fucking HATE stereotypes with a passion! Everyone lumps me into several different ones: The "Spic Bitch with family out the Yin Yang and a shit ton of kids, The Drunken Indian who lives off casino money (I wish!), The Smelly Indian who eats a shit ton of curry (Uh, yuck!), The Goth Bitch who is pissed off at the world and lets everyone know it (Okay, half true), The Emo Chick who had a charmed life and cuts herself (Emo's make me sick and it's too close to Elmo), and last, but not least, The Wiccan Witch who will put a curse on you if you look at her wrong. I have too many to keep up with! 

Some I play with when I know it freaks people out, but I fucking hate being labeled. So why, Annoying Neighbor Across the Lot, why do you play into it yet get pissed off if someone brings it to your attention? Like your "Cuz" a few minutes ago? Jeez, he drives a Honda Accord and was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt that fit. So for now, while you still deny you're playing into the stereotype, I am going to keep facepalming when you do and laugh my ass off when you get carried away with it.

~Hekate

P.S. Take your cousin's advice and pull up your damned pants. You do, in fact, look like a fucking idiot.

Where I've Been...

Ever been in pain for more than two weeks and going on a month and it not be from an operation or recent injury? Yeah, that's been my life for the last few weeks. Remember the nerve test that was going to be done? Not any more. My insurance never cleared it so it's not happening. Thank you insurance! Seriously. I hate that fucking test.

Now on top of this pain that won't go the fuck away, I have a virus. Not sure if it's a 24 hour, 48 hour, or what right now. It just hit me this morning. Sure it did. It's only Xic's first day back at work. Why wouldn't it hit now?

The neighbors have been quiet since my last rant about them, so they're no fun to write about now. Damn them. I did find out that there is one neighbor who hasn't been scared off by me and doesn't think I'm too weird for playing "Zombie Apocalypse" with Nyx and Nox (I chase them around moaning "Braaaaaains" and proceed to chew on their heads when I catch them). How do I know she's not put off by us? Xic and I were taking the rails to the cribs down to the garage the other day and she almost cried thinking we were moving. When we explained what we were doing, she let out a sigh of relief. Guess the twins stole yet another heart.

Nyx and Nox have been obsessed with Alvin and the Chipmunks: The Squeakquel movie. Nox goes all fan girl on me. She'll be standing, waiting for the movie to start. The second she hears Alvin laugh and say "We're baack!" she pulls her hands to her mouth, eyes big, smiling and holding back a squeal. Every. Single. Time. At least it's Alvin and not *vomit* Justin Bieber.

So that's about it. Nothing exciting has happened. Maybe soon Hecate will post a blog. I know she's had some interesting, crazy, fucked up shit happen to her! Poor sis. But it should be entertaining as Hell! lol

~Hekate

Give Me a Fucking Break!

11 fucking days. I've been in pain for 11 mother fucking days! Nonstop. Head, neck, back, legs and arms going numb. This is beyond fucking crazy and needs to stop. NOW! And to the fucking doctor who still thinks this is just my damned leg: Kiss my ass! If you think this is still just in my leg then you're a bigger douchewaffle then I thought.

In other news, Apple released their iOS 6 update. Good? Bad? I'm mixed but leaning to HORRIBLE! Why? Because it's fucking with me! First day and here's what went down:

YouTube app that came standard with iPhone/iPod/iPad: GONE. They dropped it! Now we have to download the app Google released if we want a YouTube app. I hope you all signed in and saved your favorites and history, otherwise it's gone.


"Where in the bloody Hell are my bookmarks?" Yep, every single bookmark and favorite I had was wiped out after the update. When I started to add my bookmarks back, IT WOULDN'T LET ME! It would not save a single one. I tried everything and nothing worked. I showed Xic, who checked his devices. His were fine. I went to show him mine wouldn't work and guess what? They were all back now. Are you fucking kidding me? Thanks for the raise in blood pressure, Apple.

Normally after an update, I don't have to re-authenticate all of my games or apps. This time I did. There are passwords that I had forgotten and I had to reset them all. This is good and bad. Good because now anyone who was close to hacking some of my accounts can't and bad because now I have to log 12 different passwords (Yeah, I'm one of the few who doesn't use the same password for everything). FML. 

So, now that the feeling of wanting to throw all of my Apple devices out the fucking window and smash them to bits has passed, I'll resume use of them. But mark my words, next time I may be switching to Android!

~Hekate

FFS!

In case you don't know, FFS is "For fuck sake!" So why, Minions, did I choose this as the title? Well, you're in luck. Things are about to get ranty up in here.

Five days. Five. Fucking. Days. I have been in the same damn pain since Thursday! Nothing is fucking helping. So what pain is this? Neck pain that shoots up to my head, mostly on the left side, and affects my arms. On top of that, yesterday it fucked my vision so bad that I relied on auto correct and keyboard memory. As if that wasn't enough, my lower back (Doc: read leg) has been feeling like I have a knife stuck in it. When I stand, my legs want to give out. When I lay down, automatic numbness and tingling from my waist down. When I walk, I'm borderline dragging my right leg. If I lay on my left side, my right side feels better, but my left side stings and feels like I have napalm running through me. If I lay on my right side, my left feels better, but now my right side screams "WTF are you doing?" If I lay on my stomach, I can't breath thanks to separated abdominal muscles that the docs refuse to fix and my back feels like it's going to break. An inversion table would be nice, but I'd probably get a nose bleed.

So, what does the doc say? Nothing, actually. He hasn't returned my calls. All I get from the nurse is do exactly what I've been doing and go to my EMG (nerve test) on the 3rd. So, in the words of Nyx and Nox, SHUT UP! YOU SUCK! And in my own words, FUCK YOU! How much Tylenol and Motrin can I possibly take before I start to sound like a pill bottle when I walk? How many fucking warm/hot showers and baths can I take before I boil myself? How many fucking ice/heat packs can I use before I get frost bite or burn myself? What other fucking options can you give me, Doc? That's what you get paid for! You get paid to fucking fix me, asshole! Instead you ignore my concerns and past medical history, order tests that have already been done and showed that my leg is not the fucking problem, and offer no suggestions on how to deal with this pain.

So it's my move. Ready for this? I will go to this fucking test, but I will no longer be seeing you. I will call when I need a refill on my seizure meds, but that's it. I will wait until we get settled in our final city before ever going back to a doctor. I will go for acupuncture and hypnotherapy to cope and find ways to live with the constant fucking pain that has made me cry like a little fucking bitch for five fucking days.

As for you, Doc: GO FUCK YOURSELF IN THE ASS WITH A RAZOR BLADED DILDO AND NO KY!

~Hekate

The Return of the Twitchy Face and Clinched Fists.

As if waking up before Xic's alarm went off this morning (about 5:40 am) wasn't bad enough, shortly after 6 our lovely neighbors decided it would be a great time to play musical fucking cars. This game is played by douchewaffles and twatwaffles. The rules are simple. 

1. Turn your craptacular music up so loud it rattles windows a mile away and makes your car vibrate harder and faster than your mom's Pocket Rocket. 
2. Make sure your friend does the same so it's in stereo. 
3. Go from car to car slamming the doors every five seconds making sure to wake everyone in your neighborhood up including babies and toddlers. Let's face it, parents don't need sleep, right?
4. Make sure you rev your engine and speed off just as the last baby/toddler screams out because they were woken up far before they were ready to be.

The last part is important, because if you don't speed off, you're probably going to encounter a very pissed off mom or dad that may or may not slam your head into the window of your car, punch you in the fucking throat, slam your head in the door two or 20 times, and proceed to bitch slap you while the rest of your neighbors cheer them on.

So heed my warning douchers everywhere. Next time think about what your doing, because you never know when a parent of a pissed off kid might repel down the side of their house ninja style and beat the shit out of you and then vanish just as quick.

Now I have to deal with two very pissed off toddlers who could not go back to sleep and won't nap until around 11 (if I'm lucky). All vocalization of what they want has gone from short words and signs to screams, grunts, and whines. No amount of toys, music, or hugs make this any better, so I will follow suit and throw an all out hissy fucking fit with them until nap time.

Again, thank you neighbors. And remember, payback's a bitch. 

~Hekate

The Date is Set...

3 OCT 2012 at 3:00 pm I will undergo one of the most torturous tests in the medical world. An EMG (Electormyogram/ Nerve conduction study). They will be shoving a fucking needle into my muscles and near nerves and shocking them with electricity to check for any abnormalities. Sounds fun, right? Yeah, real fucking fun. I had one of these done back in 2007 and the damn thing made me twitch and have seizures for the rest of the fucking day. 

So why am I having another one done? Because Dr. Fucker decided to order one and if I don't get it done, he can (and probably would) drop me as a patient. Why do I care? Because I need my seizure meds and there are no other doctors in our area right now accepting new patients. Great. Fuck my luck.

"But Hekate, I thought you were a bad ass who didn't care?" I don't care about fucking idiots and what they think. However when it comes to shoving damned needles repeatedly into my leg and shocking the fuck out of the muscles and nerves I care. I have to take care of my Gothlings and I can't do that very fucking well when Xic is at work and I'm twitching like a motherfucking addict or seizing, now can I? But do these fucking doctors give two shits? No. "Why not schedule it for when Xic is off?" You fuckers think I didn't think of that? The problem is the first available appointment is on a day he works and the one I scheduled for is unknown because they haven't made it that far ahead yet. "Why not get help from family or friends?" Uh, maybe because most of my family lives 5 hours away and wouldn't even visit unless I paid them and I have no friends in the area and don't care for most of the people here anyway. On top of that, I don't think these so-called normal people here could handle Nyx and Nox in full on zombie mode.

So I'm fucking stuck with getting stabbed and shocked. Again. Fuck. My. Luck.

I need a new doctor and just start from scratch. If we get the town we're hoping for, I may just do that. 

~Hekate

Someone Needs a Punch in the Nuts...

Minions, if you follow sports (or read front page news on Yahoo!) you know about the guy who ganked the baseball from two kids. I'm a little late on writing about this, but here it goes:

To the dick who likes to steal from kids: GROW THE FUCK UP! This goes for any person over the age of 12 at a sports event who Cock Blocks kids. You all deserve a punch in the fucking nuts. I hope the next fucking kid you do this too is one of mine, because I will yell out for them to do exactly that. And I hope it's Nyx and Nox who do it. You all deserve a fucking double nut punch. Oh, and if it is one or more of my kids, believe me, after they punch you, I will too. All while simultaneously stomping your fucking head on the stairs. What the fuck are you "grown" ass people doing? Unless you're helping your kid(s), STEP THE FUCK BACK! If you are helping your kids that are too young to catch a ball on their own, your ass better be right behind them or holding them. Only a fucking douchewaffle, cock blocking, mother fucking, insecure little prick would steal from a kid. What's the matter? Didn't you get a ball when you were a kid? No? Daddy wouldn't take you to a game? TOO FUCKING BAD! Go buy a fucking ball and get the fuck over it. If I were the guy sitting behind you as you took that ball, I would have shoved your ass over the fucking wall! You, troll faced mother fucker, are a waste of fucking oxygen.

To the parents of kids: Seriously, teach them to nut punch a fucker who does this. Let them serve as a lesson, steal from kids, get punched in the sack. And hope it get's broadcast on T.V. so others can see it! If not, YouTube that shit! Just make sure you give me a shout out in the video.

Now I said 12 for age, but this is a give or take age. I say the absolute cut off is 13 for fighting for this shit unless there are no kids around. Then it's fair game for all. But at the first sight of a kids, your ass needs to back the fuck off and let a kid get a ball or get punched in yours.

Ah yes, Hekate is getting back to her usual self now.

~Hekate